Survivor: One World Recap
By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis
February 23, 2012
Both tribes discover giant trunks that alert them of an impending reward challenge. They meet at a clearing in a neutral location and embark upon an attempt to win a tarp. Apparently, rain season is in the offing and the losing tribe will be miserable without a tarp. We believe this is a devious way for the producers of Survivor to have a wet t-shirt competition among the women. The odds of them winning a challenge are roughly the same as the odds of a meteor striking your winning lottery ticket.
The goal is to untie a series of ropes and thereby liberate a ring. Michael sits out this challenge while Colton – oh God, we’d forgotten how much we dislike Colton – does his best Natalie Wood in Rebel without a Cause to signify the start of the competition. We all know that the men are going to win and the men do in fact win. The women believe that they were seconds away from victory but that seems like a flowery description of their situation.
*We interrupt this recap to make a horrifying announcement***
Greg “Tarzan” Smith is wearing a banana hammock. Repeat: Tarzan is wearing underwear that makes the world his prostate physician. This atrocity will not go unnoticed, Probst. As an aside, Probst never makes an appearance at this challenge. We cannot prove that the banana hammock has anything to do with his absence but we strongly suspect it.
The next segment is even worse than the Tarzan Junktrocity. The men are hard at work to create a wonderful camp environment. Meanwhile, Colton has discovered a swing at camp. After using it for a time and querying others about who made it, he fails to receive the requisite amount of attention. What does he do? You guessed it. He heads over to the women’s portion of camp.
The Salani players are having a team meeting at the time as they desperately attempt to do whatever is necessary to turn the tide of battle. Colton’s presence is unwelcome and they let him know it. Sabrina strongly encourages him to bond with the guys. As he continues to distract the women from the work they need to do, Sabrina enforces her leadership role by sending him away. Colton melts down. He starts tearing up and claims that he needs to start The Colton Tribe. If such a tribe exists, we are all for the local cannibals overrunning this territory.
Desperate for attention, Colton returns to the women’s camp. He now claims that he has something important to say that he cannot say unless all of the women are listening. If we were not doing a recap, we would be fast forwarding through this segment, because his desperate need for attention is disturbing to watch. The “big announcement” is that he needs to be allowed to stay with them. He says this through tears. A woman named Kim concisely states, “It’s not an option for us to have you over here all the time.” Unwelcome in his own tribe, Colton has been banished from the women’s tribe as well.