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For people looking for an LA fight that doesn’t involve an acrimonious Dodgers divorce: Battle: Los Angeles

Let’s be honest about the fact that Battle: Los Angeles is not well loved by critics. Or anyone else. Roughly four out of every five top critics at Rotten Tomatoes give this project thumbs down and the numbers among my friends and peers aren’t any better. Still, this is exactly the type of cheesy movie that all of us love to hate. It’s a shoot ‘em up where aliens invade and good ol’ boys defend their soul against would be anal probers. The fact that it’s awful means that you won’t love it the way that you (probably) loved District 9. But Battle: Los Angeles has earned $200 million worldwide for a reason. It’s exactly the sort of movie that we want to watch every bit as much as we want to mock it. It’ll be one of the most popular DVD/Blu-Ray releases of the month and at the end of the year, it will make a lot of people’s bottom ten lists for a straightforward reason. Most of us will have watched it. Titles such as this one have an irresistible lure. Their siren song promises hot garbage as the story but with solid special effects and a lot of extreme violence. How can we resist?

For people lacking any pride or self-esteem: Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

There is no lower form of cinema than the fat suit comedy. Even gorno has a more easily understood appeal than this nonsense. Putting a thin person into a costume and then repeatedly making fun of their weight is pathetic. This urge is something we should have outgrown by the time we hit puberty. For some reason, the premise continues to be explored frequently at the movies and the “some reason” is that the insulting outings usually sell tickets. In the case of Big Momma in particular, the first two movies combined for almost $200 million worth of domestic revenue. There are signs of progress with our society in that the loathsome third film managed only $37.9 million, barely half of its predecessor.

Then again, quality may have something to do with the diminishing box office return. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son is quite simply horrific. Only 5% of critics enjoy the movie enough to describe it as passable. Think about that for a moment. Had this movie been comprised of 90 minutes of Piano Cat playing Martin Lawrence’s favorite show tunes, it would have been better received. That’s not even a hyperbolic statement. In fact, my un-researched opinion is that the 5% of critics who do like the movie all have the last name of Lawrence or work for Big Momma, Inc. This movie is god-awful trash and if you do want to rent it, know that Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia and I are quietly judging you.

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