June 2011 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
June 2, 2011
3) X-Men: First Class
These X-Men have been our unwitting allies on more occasions than we can count. Recently, the Skrulls had developed a technology that allowed them to duplicate our mighty retinas. With that ability, they could enter the most secure facilities in the entire Rigel solar system. The entirety of Orion was imperiled by this breach.
Unexpectedly, one of your adamantium-clawed, laser beam-faced, cat-shaped snikt-bamf-ing weather masters wiped out an entire generation of “He is love” shouting brain-dead religious zealots.
The next time some interplanetary Jehovah’s Witness knocks on our door, we’re sending them to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. You know the right way to deal with interlopers.
PS: Even we find Emma Frost hot. We need to get her on Rigel VII HBO Real Sex.
4) Green Lantern
Scourge of the universe, slaves of tiny dress-wearing sexually ambiguous floaty dudes, fear-ers of yellow. We hate these guys. We mean HATE them. We mean go visit the sun that swallowed Sodam Yat and toast marshmallows with his flaming corpse HATE them. These people stole our skin!
How would you feel if you ever got pulled over by a cop and you realized that his gun was made out of your penis and/or breasts? This is what we deal with all the time. And we don’t want to say they’re biased but let’s just say that one-eyed dual-tentacled green beings with giant teeth get pulled over 18 times as much as the average species. ‘Cism.
Why do we hate Green Lanterns? They’re idiots. These things never even wonder why they’re called Green Lanterns and they wear green rings powered by a giant green battery yet the dudes (?) giving them orders are FREAKIN' BLUE!!! Seriously, isn’t that a hint that they’re probably lying about a lot of things?
Do you know the best word to describe a system where blue creatures tell green creatures what to do all the time? Slavery. The Guardians of the Universe run an intergalactic slave ring *using* rings made from the flesh of persecuted Rigellians.
When you go see this movie, root for Sinestro.
5) Mr. Popper’s Penguins
Penguins dance too much. You should eat them. They are quite a delicacy. For that matter, you should eat Jim Carrey, too. He is not a delicacy, but at least this would shut him up.
6) Super 8
Do you know what is in that box in the trailer? Us. Open the box at your own peril, kiddies.
7) Bad Teacher
Do you know who is a bad teacher? That awful Green Lantern, Kilowog. What a poozer.
8) Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
Do you know the biggest bummer of your summer, Judy Moody? The enslavement and devouring of your species. And that's not even the worst part. You will also see that dreadful Michael Bay movie.