The day you have long dreaded is at hand, Earthling pop culture media consumers. We, Kang & Kodos, have returned from a relaxing trip to the Planet of the Dirty Tentacle Manipulators and are now ready to consume your life forces.
June 2011 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
June 2, 2011
We had been planning to do this for a while now, but the presence of an intergalactic police force has prevented us from doing so previously. The thieves stole some of our skin droppings and melded the oozing substance into rings that give them powers beyond your understanding. Fortunately, they are distracted by a movie that is about to bomb, so this is the perfect time for us to strike.
Before we devour your humanity, we will take this opportunity to discuss the popular Earth movies of your solar month, June. Consider this our consolation gift for the imminent destruction of your species.
1) Transformers: Dark of the Moon
This title reveals how little Earthlidiots understand their own universe. Your orbital planet-slave is not dark at all. You are simply pointing your sunbeams the wrong direction. This has allowed an intergalactic criminal to reside hidden in solitude. We blame those incompetent green-thieving cops for the felon’s ability to vacation right beside a well-traveled alien resort destination such as Earth. You have seen Men in Black. You know how many beings from other planets live among you. Why is this allowed? And do you know what would stop the moon from being dark? A giant green lantern pointed at it. Bunch of Oan idiots can’t do anything right. We need to absorb their life forces as well. It’s for the good of the galaxy.
As for the former residents of Cybertron, we can hardly blame them for escaping that planet. It was just a bunch of cubes and rectangles. Nobody wants their dwelling to involve so much geometry. We the people of Rigel VII choose to live a life without protractors.
As for the Autobots and Decepticons, those idiots have been fighting for Millennia yet nobody ever wins. It’s like watching Batman and The Joker have the same fight for 800,000 consecutive issues. There is a reason why Cybertron was scheduled for demolition by a Vogon Fleet. If the choice is Optimus Prime lecturing Megatron for the zillionth time or a hyperspace bypass, which would you choose?
Also, even our people 73 quadrillion light years away know that Michael Bay sucks. Why you Humanitards continue to frequent his films escapes even the dullest slugworms of Dumbtopia.
2) Cars 2
Humans use automobiles to navigate the distance between two points? Do you not realize how much more efficient it is to slap a bubble windshield over your non-tentacled areas and grav-lift yourself to the destination? What about spacecrafts? How have you not yet crafted one that will travel light years in the blink of an ocular gigantor? We, Kang & Kodos, are beginning to suspect that this Homer Simpson is in fact the smartest one of your species…and he is yellow and fictional.
Go see Cars 2, fools. Watch Mater tip over cow-like automotive devices in foreign countries. Waste your intellects while enabling Larry the Cable Guy to grow so rich that he may purchase Rigel VII HBO, the finest HBO in the known multiverse.
Our Real Sex episodes show the whole tentacle.
3) X-Men: First Class
These X-Men have been our unwitting allies on more occasions than we can count. Recently, the Skrulls had developed a technology that allowed them to duplicate our mighty retinas. With that ability, they could enter the most secure facilities in the entire Rigel solar system. The entirety of Orion was imperiled by this breach.
Unexpectedly, one of your adamantium-clawed, laser beam-faced, cat-shaped snikt-bamf-ing weather masters wiped out an entire generation of “He is love” shouting brain-dead religious zealots.
The next time some interplanetary Jehovah’s Witness knocks on our door, we’re sending them to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. You know the right way to deal with interlopers.
PS: Even we find Emma Frost hot. We need to get her on Rigel VII HBO Real Sex.
4) Green Lantern
Scourge of the universe, slaves of tiny dress-wearing sexually ambiguous floaty dudes, fear-ers of yellow. We hate these guys. We mean HATE them. We mean go visit the sun that swallowed Sodam Yat and toast marshmallows with his flaming corpse HATE them. These people stole our skin!
How would you feel if you ever got pulled over by a cop and you realized that his gun was made out of your penis and/or breasts? This is what we deal with all the time. And we don’t want to say they’re biased but let’s just say that one-eyed dual-tentacled green beings with giant teeth get pulled over 18 times as much as the average species. ‘Cism.
Why do we hate Green Lanterns? They’re idiots. These things never even wonder why they’re called Green Lanterns and they wear green rings powered by a giant green battery yet the dudes (?) giving them orders are FREAKIN' BLUE!!! Seriously, isn’t that a hint that they’re probably lying about a lot of things?
Do you know the best word to describe a system where blue creatures tell green creatures what to do all the time? Slavery. The Guardians of the Universe run an intergalactic slave ring *using* rings made from the flesh of persecuted Rigellians.
When you go see this movie, root for Sinestro.
5) Mr. Popper’s Penguins
Penguins dance too much. You should eat them. They are quite a delicacy. For that matter, you should eat Jim Carrey, too. He is not a delicacy, but at least this would shut him up.
6) Super 8
Do you know what is in that box in the trailer? Us. Open the box at your own peril, kiddies.
7) Bad Teacher
Do you know who is a bad teacher? That awful Green Lantern, Kilowog. What a poozer.
8) Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer
Do you know the biggest bummer of your summer, Judy Moody? The enslavement and devouring of your species. And that's not even the worst part. You will also see that dreadful Michael Bay movie.