This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison of the new releases for May 20, 2011
By Curt David
May 20, 2011
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (Surprisingly, Shutter Island, Nim's Island, and The Island all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My crush Hermione Granger returns to the screen in eight weeks!!).
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of May 20th, the only wide release is Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Unfortunately, this movie is lacking the spectacular Keira Knightley. Since I don't have anything else to do with this column, I'll compare watching the new Pirates movie with watching any Keira Knightley movie.
| Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides | Any Keira Knightly film | WINNER
(1 point per category)
|
| Clearest Title | This is going to be a very big film, as everyone is eager to watch another Pirates movie after the first three spectacular movies. | However, can a Pirates movie really compare with the visuals of Keira Knightley, the sounds of her British accent, and the breathtaking experience of watching her on screen? | While I may disagree, the phrase "Pirates of the Caribbean" is more well-known than her name. Point for the new film. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Action/Adventure
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action/adventure violence, some frightening images, sensuality, and innuendo.
| Action or Drama
Rated PG-13 or R for varying degrees of plucky sassiness, action, and Elizabethan English drama.
| There's nothing I like more than when Keira Knightley plays a tough-girl role. That'll split the point with the fun that goes with a Pirate movie. |
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | "N/A"
This movie is too awesome that it doesn't even need a tagline. Usually I'd be ticked off, but really, you don't need to sell this movie with a tagline.
| "You like pain? Try wearing a corset!"
My goodness, Keira has a ton of amazing lines in the three Pirates films, especially bantering with Jack Sparrow. I hope the new Pirates doesn't disappoint.
| Miss Swann scores her first point! (insert joke about scoring with Miss Swann). |
| Best Part of Trailer | Jack's walk. Penelope Cruz. Suspenseful music. Blackbeard. One-liners. Fountain of Youth! Swordfights!! And mermaids!!! | Her pouty lips. | Keira easily wins this round - no competition whatsoever. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Johnny Depp from the Pirate movies, Alice in Wonderland, and Edward Scissorhands. | Keira Knightley from the Pirates movies, Bend it like Beckham, King Arthur, and Pride and Prejudice. | See, both actors are the epitome of a movie star. And they were together in the first three films! They'll split the point for nostalgia's sake. |
| Best Cast | Penelope Cruz (Volver), Geoffrey Rush (Pirates trilogy), Ian McShane (Deadwood), and Keith Richards. | She doesn't need a cast. | Cruz + Rush + McShane + Keith = Keira Knightley. (Don't analyze this math). Everyone will split the point. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director Rob Marshall also directed Chicago (starring Catherine Zeta-Jones. No one compares to Catherine Zeta-Jones). | Now I'm just thinking about Catherine Zeta-Jones. | Catherine Zeta-Jones will take the point for this round. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides scores 3 and 1/2 points and Keira Knightley scores 3 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you don't like movies, don't watch Pirates this weekend. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Pirates of the Caribbean is the best movie to watch this weekend. BUT, everyone remember how awesome Keira was in the first three movies and demand that she comes back for Pirates 5 and 6!
Conclusion 2: I said I wasn't going to go to the theaters until X-Men First Class comes out in two weeks, but the Pirates trailer has me thinking I should check out the movies tonight.
Conclusion 3: Or maybe I'll just rent Bend it like Beckham.
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