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Still, no matter how undesirable the conditions and options of this flying movie theater are, we paid an exorbitant amount of money to be there. And as bad being forced to watch Swing Vote is (it happened to me) it beats the alternative - ten hours of flight tracker. So we all suck it up and put on our plastic wrapped headphones. If flying on a US carrier, we take out our credit cards (blasphemy), crack open a five dollar 50 ml bottle of Woodford Reserve (thank you, Delta) and get it over with.

I find that airplane viewing experiences fall into five distinct categories that I've indentified below, along with some examples. I've also included some quips for good measure. List + Quips = Selling Out Column (whoa, that was an searing unintentional pun, I feel so dirty now). On with the list!

1. The movie you were never intending to see but know will be a serviceable way to murder hours:

• Ice Age 2 - Couldn't tell you a damn thing that happened.
  
• Baby Mama - Steve Martin had long hair. Laughter.
  
• The Kingdom - As much as I like to rag on movies imitating the Bourne films, I sure do enjoy watching them. Kinda like watching Days of Thunder. It's no Top Gun but it's close enough.

2. The movie you kinda wanted to see but didn't because you were too embarrassed to face the stub tearing guy.

• TMNT - No Beebop. No Rocksteady. No thank you.
  
• Bravado - Starring Harrision Ford. Oh, wait. They changed that title to Firewall.
  
• Glory Road - They won! I knew they could do it!!!!

3. A film you've been badmouthing for years even though you've never seen it.

• I Am Sam - Okay, this is my only example and I'm really only including it to say that my instincts were right. Sean Penn's performance is nothing more than a shabby impression of Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

4. The blockbuster you'd rather watch again than I Am Sam.

• King Kong - Japan Airlines cut it down to two hours. Quite an improvement, actually.
  
• Up - Stewardess: "What's wrong with the guy sobbing in the corner?"
  
• Star Trek - J.J. Abrams, gotta hand it to him. I should have watched it a third time instead of watching Sean Penn attempt to manipulate the Academy. Not that he needed to. He was practically nominated before the thing was freaking greenlit.

5. The rare movie that is actually enhanced by the airplane experience.

• Paris, je t'aime - Never would have seen this otherwise. Alexander Payne's last segment - muah!
  
• Synecdoche, New York - Saw it when it came out. Claimed to love it even though I didn't understand a word. This time, it was life altering. Although everyone else was asleep, so maybe I was too and just dreamed I knew what Charlie Kaufman was talking about. Actually, that's totally what happened.

In attempt to end on a positive note, here's a glass half full way to look at it. While the experience is unique to the individual, there is something oddly communal about watching a movie on an airplane. Even people who don't go the movies watch movies on airplanes, so in a way, it's more universal than going to a theater. And in today's age of Blu-ray, flatscreen TV, and reclining La-Z-Boys (at first I wrote reclining easysboys and was like, wait, that doesn't sound right), it doesn't hurt to have some strife in your movie watching. Sometimes a little struggle is good. I might even go as far as to say that Inflight Entertainment may just be the last adventure in watching movies.

Actually, no. It totally sucks.

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