Selling Out
By Tom Macy
November 19, 2009
BoxOfficeProphets.com
But all that is just the climate. Once you've decided where, when and how many people you want around, there's figuring out what to watch. And with Netflix offering pretty much every movie ever put on DVD it's quite a vast range of options. Romcoms? Art-house? Vin Diesel (he's gotta have some fans, right?)? The movie viewing world has become an endless decision process wherein, whatever your tastes, habits or sleeping patterns people are free to experience any film, in any manner, at any time. That is, with one exception. On an airplane.
True, you aren't there to watch a film, it's not a movie theater. And that's a good thing, because if it were there would be rioting. Imagine a movie theater that forces you to remove your shoes before you go in. A theater that doesn't tell you what's playing until you're in your seat that's as comfortable as To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar (I'm assuming everyone reading flies coach. If not, I'm sorry, but it's going to cost you $500 to continue reading this column). This theater has a screen that is 5x5 inches and never fully visible no matter how much brightness adjusting you do. You may be given a choice of what to watch, sometimes from dozens of options. But no matter how many are offered, it's always going to feel constrictive. I find the fewer the choices, the better. Things really start to get dicey when there are several tempting picks, but no obvious winners. Ace Ventura or Minority Report!? Ahhh! And once you've made your choice there will be likely be intermittent interruptions where the sound cuts out and a bland yet irritating voice comes on to recite something redundant (If the plane is going to crash I can't do anything about it. Leave me and my creamed chicken alone.).
But the worst part about this theater chain is that unlike those affixed to the earth, here people in the seats around you aren't watching the same movie, if they're watching one at all. They act like you aren't even in the same room, even though he distance between you is actually smaller that the screen you're watching. On the ground, when you go to a theater, people all paid money to see that movie like you did. They sit (reasonably) quietly. But up in the air it's the freaking Wild West. There's shifting of chairs making you constantly adjust your screen that you already can't see (I don't care how tall you are, that's freaking un-American), excessive hitting on/berating of stewardess by people so self-obsessed they start to asphyxiate when not getting attention, and, of course, there are the unidentifiable noises that, while subtle enough to ignore in everyday life, unrelenting exposure to over 10 straight hours is akin to Chinese water torture. On a personal note, the person sitting in front of me on my 14 hour flight from NYC to Johannesburg did all three of these. Jim Caviezel, let the smiting begin.
Still, no matter how undesirable the conditions and options of this flying movie theater are, we paid an exorbitant amount of money to be there. And as bad being forced to watch Swing Vote is (it happened to me) it beats the alternative - ten hours of flight tracker. So we all suck it up and put on our plastic wrapped headphones. If flying on a US carrier, we take out our credit cards (blasphemy), crack open a five dollar 50 ml bottle of Woodford Reserve (thank you, Delta) and get it over with.
I find that airplane viewing experiences fall into five distinct categories that I've indentified below, along with some examples. I've also included some quips for good measure. List + Quips = Selling Out Column (whoa, that was an searing unintentional pun, I feel so dirty now). On with the list!
1. The movie you were never intending to see but know will be a serviceable way to murder hours:
Ice Age 2 - Couldn't tell you a damn thing that happened.
Baby Mama - Steve Martin had long hair. Laughter.
The Kingdom - As much as I like to rag on movies imitating the Bourne films, I sure do enjoy watching them. Kinda like watching Days of Thunder. It's no Top Gun but it's close enough.
2. The movie you kinda wanted to see but didn't because you were too embarrassed to face the stub tearing guy.
TMNT - No Beebop. No Rocksteady. No thank you.
Bravado - Starring Harrision Ford. Oh, wait. They changed that title to Firewall.
Glory Road - They won! I knew they could do it!!!!
3. A film you've been badmouthing for years even though you've never seen it.
I Am Sam - Okay, this is my only example and I'm really only including it to say that my instincts were right. Sean Penn's performance is nothing more than a shabby impression of Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
4. The blockbuster you'd rather watch again than I Am Sam.
King Kong - Japan Airlines cut it down to two hours. Quite an improvement, actually.
Up - Stewardess: "What's wrong with the guy sobbing in the corner?"
Star Trek - J.J. Abrams, gotta hand it to him. I should have watched it a third time instead of watching Sean Penn attempt to manipulate the Academy. Not that he needed to. He was practically nominated before the thing was freaking greenlit.
5. The rare movie that is actually enhanced by the airplane experience.
Paris, je t'aime - Never would have seen this otherwise. Alexander Payne's last segment - muah!
Synecdoche, New York - Saw it when it came out. Claimed to love it even though I didn't understand a word. This time, it was life altering. Although everyone else was asleep, so maybe I was too and just dreamed I knew what Charlie Kaufman was talking about. Actually, that's totally what happened.
In attempt to end on a positive note, here's a glass half full way to look at it. While the experience is unique to the individual, there is something oddly communal about watching a movie on an airplane. Even people who don't go the movies watch movies on airplanes, so in a way, it's more universal than going to a theater. And in today's age of Blu-ray, flatscreen TV, and reclining La-Z-Boys (at first I wrote reclining easysboys and was like, wait, that doesn't sound right), it doesn't hurt to have some strife in your movie watching. Sometimes a little struggle is good. I might even go as far as to say that Inflight Entertainment may just be the last adventure in watching movies.
Actually, no. It totally sucks.