September 2009 Forecast

By Shane Jenkins

September 4, 2009

Life's a little more fun with a monkey on your back.

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Something weird happened the other night. I'm not really a man of faith, so I was quite taken aback to find an angel and devil camped out in my living room, drinking my Black and Tans, and arguing up a storm about Barry Levinson's 1992 movie Toys.

Angel: I don't think you can even dispute the fact that Toys has some of the best set design ever seen on film.

Me: Um, can I help you guys with something?

Devil: But it's Robin Williams on "twee" mode with blond hair and a robot sister! With a dead dad so he can get all misty-eyed every two minutes!

Angel: But what about Joan Cusack? Everybody loves Joan Cu...

Me: *yawn* Boy, I'm bushed. What a day. Maybe you guys can continue this out on the porch, and I'll just...

Devil: LL Cool J cancels her out! If you add in a miscast Robin Wright Penn, clearly things are tipped in my favor.

Angel: You're conveniently forgetting about pre-Dumbledore Michael Gambon. And it's got such great music. Tori Amos. Thomas Dolby.

Devil: Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

Angel: Well...

Me: That's it! I can't stand anymore Toys talk! Clearly, it's both awesome and terrible! Jeez! Why does everything have to be so black and white with you?

*awkward silence*

Angel: You're messing with our whole worldview.

Devil: Yeah you are. Plus, we gotta talk about something aside from the fallibility of man.

Angel: And we still got 15 minutes left on our break. I'm not punching back in early. Did you smell Seraphiel's breath today?

Devil: Yeah, that guy's got a problem. You should say something to him about it.


Angel: I should say something about it?

Me: Aaaahh! Just stop! I need to do a Box Office Forecast for September and I haven't even started thinking about it. Maybe you guys can help.

Devil: Yeah, I guess we could do that.

Angel: There's no James Cromwell, is there?

Devil: He's scared to death of James Cromwell. It's weird.

Me: Let's just get started.

1) Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Me: This is the latest from money-minter Tyler Perry. It's got Taraji P. Henson and Mary J. Blige, and Perry trots out his Madea character, which is usually enough to goose the opening weekend take by $10 million or so.

Angel: Never bet against Tyler Perry.

Devil: Seriously. Every time one of these movies opens huge, everyone always seems to be surprised it did so well. At this point, it's like being surprised that summer is hot. That's a bad trailer though, even by Tyler's standards.

Angel: I'm going to have to agree with that. And even I find his mix of religion and bodily humor a little uncomfortable. Crosses and farting are odd bedfellows.

Devil: Maybe Mary J. acts better than she sings.

Angel: That's not nice, Devil.

Devil: Look who you're talking to.

Continued:       1       2       3



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