September 2007 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
September 7, 2007
Resident Evil: Extinction
Now, here is a title approved by Kang and Kodos! The idea of your race growing extinct is how we pleasure ourselves at night, stroking the ooze out of our eyes and going, "Oh, yeah, exterminate another nation of people! Kang-y likey!" A title with evil and and extinction in it gives us but one area of remorse. We do not have interstellar HBO on our spaceship, meaning we cannot enjoy the fictional annihilation of your species. Fortunately, we are do-it-yourselfers. The real thing will happen sooner than you think!
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
We are all for assassination, but what is a Jesse James and what is a Coward Robert Ford? For that matter, what's a Brangelina? You earthlings confuse us.
Good Luck Chuck
Out of all of the humans of your species, none disgusts Kang and Kodos more than Dane Cook. Remember a few years ago when your species was briefly obsessed with Jimmy Fallon? We had just gotten his career destroyed and now this new untalented hack is getting all of the Fallon-esque roles. Dane "How to" Cook "Forty Humans" will be the first human up against the wall when we conquer your world. As for the one you call Dark Angel, she will be given the supreme joy of stroking out our eye ooze for the next few millennia. Don't forget to lick the pupils, babe.
3:10 to Yuma
Humans travel by train. Trains wreck. Humans build cars and planes so that they never have to ride trains again.
Russell Crowe is a git. People hate Russell Crowe. Someone gets Russell Crowe to ride a train. It wrecks. Your species is better for a time.
Kang and Kodos fully support 3:10 to Yuma...and people who call Russell Crowe a git.
The Brave One
We onced tried to shoot the residing President of the United States. When that failed, we blamed it on Jodie Foster. So, we owe her, but we don't owe her enough to sit through this movie. Anyone who managed to do that would be The Brave One.
Such a phallus would get splinters in the most awkward of places. The less we discuss this title, the better.
The Darjeeling Limited
The one you humans call Wes Anderson pleases us, what with his lush cinematography and savvy storytelling. Despite this, we must kill him for reminding Kodos of the name of her first true, Darjeeling Dezrov the Disruptor. He stole her heart, her virtue, and the Three Royal Artifacts of Zebulon Prime. Only one of these was technically a treasonous offce, but just try telling my sister that.
Earth female Amanda Bynes is all doe-y eyed and cherub-cheeked. What a bitch. The real stars of this movie are the seven nerds who gain revenge on the evil members of that fraternity, Alpha Beta. Thanks to the wisdom of Booger, whose teachings are still followed by the Arachnoid People of Omicron VII, they join together and overcome that mean ol' Ogre and his even more villainous ally, Ted McGinley. Or that may be some other movie this one is ripping off. If that is the case, we'll be having Bynes-flavored shish kabobs on the barby tonight.