People of Earth, kneel before us, your box office conquerers. When last we deigned to impart our wisdom upon you, we, Kang and Kodos, stated that we would rule your movie theaters with our production, The Simpsons Movie. Hundreds of millions of dollars later, you now know our wisdom to be as vast as our puddles of drool.
September 2007 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
September 7, 2007
Of course, there a couple of issues. We do not have need of your Earth money. On Rigel 4, our people's economic system is based upon the number of tentacles and eyes we possess. More is better on the first part while less is more on the second part. Kang and Kodos will be intergalactic rulers because we are the only siblings with this many tentacles but only one eye. As the supreme multi-armed cyclops...well, whatever is the plural of cyclops of our race, we are the supreme financial...banker type things of our world.
We didn't do this for the money nor did we do this for the fame. In fact, the one you call Groening offered us a much bigger part in the movie, but our Hollywood agent told us that all the glory would be in the sequel. We listened to his sage advice, then we had Serak the Preparer make shish kabobs out of him. He tasted of sunglasses and cow pies, but we ate him anyway. Now, we see that being the stars of The Simpsons Movie would have helped us be recognizable enough to win the next election on our own rather than masquerade as Dark Lords Clin-ton and Thompson. We do not relish the idea of those skin costumes, let me tell you. Politics makes strange anal probers of us all...with apologies to the Senator from Idaho.
Now then, let us discuss the films that will attempt to replace Kang and Kodos on your movie charts.
We thought this was an S&M flavored biopic about one of your kings, either Stephen or Martin Luther....or maybe one where a guy changed his name from Larry to Lana. Instead, we discovered it is a case study on non-intergalactic terrorism on your world. Your need to build a board with a nail in it so large that it will destroy you all has finally undone you. Now, the one you call Foxx will try to reduce the number of nail-boards in the Middle East. The fool does not realize that the best he may hope for is nail-board detente, meaning we expect him to join our recently deceased agent in the land of human shish kabobs. Neither one will be missed.
Enjoy your kingdom, humans. One day, your throne will be full of eyes and tentacles.
The Game Plan
There is no mortal we respect more than the earthling known as The Rock. At least, that was the case until he went all The Pacifier on Hollywood. Now, he seems like a mimic of the one you call Vin Diesel. This is sad, because none of the great spaceships of our age runs on Diesel. They are, however, susceptible to rocks. Asteroid belts have slain more than four million of our brethren, and we mean brethren in a literal sense. Our father is the Wilt Chamberlain of Rigel 4. His eye is the source of constant fertility. His travails as a father are vastly more engaging than those of your football star, Duane Johnson, but since Daddy died inside the asteroid belt of Mumbaya XIV, you will have to settle for this tale instead. We miss you, Evil Papa dearest!
Resident Evil: Extinction
Now, here is a title approved by Kang and Kodos! The idea of your race growing extinct is how we pleasure ourselves at night, stroking the ooze out of our eyes and going, "Oh, yeah, exterminate another nation of people! Kang-y likey!" A title with evil and and extinction in it gives us but one area of remorse. We do not have interstellar HBO on our spaceship, meaning we cannot enjoy the fictional annihilation of your species. Fortunately, we are do-it-yourselfers. The real thing will happen sooner than you think!
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
We are all for assassination, but what is a Jesse James and what is a Coward Robert Ford? For that matter, what's a Brangelina? You earthlings confuse us.
Good Luck Chuck
Out of all of the humans of your species, none disgusts Kang and Kodos more than Dane Cook. Remember a few years ago when your species was briefly obsessed with Jimmy Fallon? We had just gotten his career destroyed and now this new untalented hack is getting all of the Fallon-esque roles. Dane "How to" Cook "Forty Humans" will be the first human up against the wall when we conquer your world. As for the one you call Dark Angel, she will be given the supreme joy of stroking out our eye ooze for the next few millennia. Don't forget to lick the pupils, babe.
3:10 to Yuma
Humans travel by train. Trains wreck. Humans build cars and planes so that they never have to ride trains again.
Russell Crowe is a git. People hate Russell Crowe. Someone gets Russell Crowe to ride a train. It wrecks. Your species is better for a time.
Kang and Kodos fully support 3:10 to Yuma...and people who call Russell Crowe a git.
The Brave One
We onced tried to shoot the residing President of the United States. When that failed, we blamed it on Jodie Foster. So, we owe her, but we don't owe her enough to sit through this movie. Anyone who managed to do that would be The Brave One.
Such a phallus would get splinters in the most awkward of places. The less we discuss this title, the better.
The Darjeeling Limited
The one you humans call Wes Anderson pleases us, what with his lush cinematography and savvy storytelling. Despite this, we must kill him for reminding Kodos of the name of her first true, Darjeeling Dezrov the Disruptor. He stole her heart, her virtue, and the Three Royal Artifacts of Zebulon Prime. Only one of these was technically a treasonous offce, but just try telling my sister that.
Earth female Amanda Bynes is all doe-y eyed and cherub-cheeked. What a bitch. The real stars of this movie are the seven nerds who gain revenge on the evil members of that fraternity, Alpha Beta. Thanks to the wisdom of Booger, whose teachings are still followed by the Arachnoid People of Omicron VII, they join together and overcome that mean ol' Ogre and his even more villainous ally, Ted McGinley. Or that may be some other movie this one is ripping off. If that is the case, we'll be having Bynes-flavored shish kabobs on the barby tonight.