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The Big Board
for David Mumpower


Big Board Year:
2004
2013
2012
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005

Choose the size of the Big Board:
Small (just the list)
Medium (quick bullet points)

Happiness is...
1. The Incredibles
    Quite possibly the best animated film of all time.
2. Before Sunset
    An intellectual orgasm.
3. The Bourne Supremacy
    Were I making a sequel, the plot outline would look something like this.
4. Garden State
    A perfect blend of caustic and mystic.
5. Collateral
    The best original screenplay of 2004 thus far.
6. I, Robot
    The script is even crisper than the breathtaking CGI animation, which is in and of itself the best of 2004 to date.
7. Dawn of the Dead
    This movie is so hot it makes me want to grab a shotgun and head down to the cemetery.
8. Hero
    This is the Rena Sofer of cinema: it has looks and personality plus.
9. The Village
    A shocking yet subtle attack on a currently trendy political philosophy.
10. The Manchurian Candidate
    Darker than an eclipse...and I like it that way.
11. Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
    A historically unprecedented exercise in cathartic venting creates a singularly unique voyeuristic experience.
12. 50 First Dates
    If we've learned nothing else from this film and Lilo & Stitch, we now know that all comedies should be set in Hawaii.
13. Chasing Liberty
    If it helps any, I'm just as surprised by this as you are.
14. The Terminal
    Probably too genteel for most, I found the timeless nature of it indicative of a movie that will stand the test of time.
15. Spider-Man 2
    The choice of Doc Octopus as lead villain sounded crazy at first, but he proves to be the best comic book heel since The Joker.
16. Fahrenheit 9/11
    How many letters do you think Moore gets a day that are marked "Not Anthrax, I Swear"?
17. Kill Bill Vol. 2
    Quentin Tarantino might be the only person in the world who can out-talk me.
18. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
    When we look back in 20 years, I would not be surprised to discover this is hailed as the best of the Potter films.
19. Hellboy
    I like my heroes orange, my villains historic, and my Selma Blair imperiled.
20. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
    After watching this movie, I called my cable service and complained about not having The Ocho.

Even a diamond has flaws
21. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
    I admire this movie more than I enjoy it.
22. 13 Going on 30
    Jennifer Garner is going to be a star in this industry. I mean a Sandra Bullock-level star.
23. The Girl Next Door
    If I ever run for Congress, my platform will be that every girl next door is required to be a retired porn star with a heart of gold and a soul-stealing smile.
24. Starsky and Hutch
    I'm told there are some homoerotics undertones to this film. They are just too subtle for me to notice, though. Now back to the scene where Stiller is slowly rubbing Wilson's shoulders.
25. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!
    Topher Grace is even better here than in his scene-stealing cameo in Ocean's 11.
26. The Day After Tomorrow
    B-movie paradise.
27. Thunderbirds
    I admit it. I laughed. I laughed regularly and uproariously. I want to see it again so that I might laugh more.
28. Anchorman
    Will Ferrell’s charm continues to elude me. I must not be drinking the same Kool-Aid as the rest of you.
29. Secret Window
    I see waaaaay too much of myself in this Johnny Depp character.
30. Miracle
    Makes winning a hockey game seem somehow more important than winning the Cold War.
31. The United States of Leland
    I pledge allegiance to a film most would find off-putting.
32. Spartan
    The Simpsons quote that applies here is, "We don't understand it, so it must be very good."

It's an unusually good year for teen comedies
33. The Perfect Score
    Harmless, well-intentioned fluff.
34. Eurotrip
    An inconsistent comedy that has easily the best scene of 2004.
35. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
    Neil Patrick Harris makes this movie.
36. Broken Lizard's Club Dread
    A movie built with parrotheads in mind...and I am a parrothead.

Welcome to the land of Mediocrity.
37. Walking Tall
    The Rock takes a significant step back after The Rundown.
38. Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism
    An interesting but unsurprising insight into the Propaganda Channel's procedures.
39. Connie and Carla
    Pseudo-Tranny: The Musical!
40. The Notebook
    James Garner and Rachel McAdams make a mediocre film tolerable.
41. King Arthur
    A two and a half hour film advertised as a Keira Knightley movie yet she doesn't arrive until the movie is halfway over. I'm suing for false advertising.
42. The Butterfly Effect
    Child pornography, child molestation and child abuse. No, it's not the Michael Jackson trial.
43. Code 46
    I have watched this twice now, and I still don't have a clue what it's about.
44. The Door in the Floor
    The Jeff Bridges nude scene is like a special form of punishment on top of everything else.
45. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
    I will buy the soundtrack. I will never watch the movie again.
46. Shaolin Soccer
    This film is weirder than Andy Dick.
47. The Prince and Me
    Julia Stiles continues to show regrettable role selection.

How can something animated be so lifeless?
48. Shrek 2
    Either I'm sane and everyone else is crazy or vice-versa.
49. Home on the Range
    This is the way Disney Animation goes out: not with a bang but a whimper.

We've crossed over to the land of Grim.
50. Stepford Wives
    After Bowfinger and The Score, Frank Oz was overdue for a bad movie.
51. Kaena: The Prophecy
    As glittering and shiny but wholly useless as an uncut gem.
52. The Laws of Attraction
    Pierce Brosnan is charming, Julianne Moore much less so.
53. The Story of the Weeping Camel
    This is what it looks like when camels cry.
54. The Alamo
    Remember The Alamo is now a Disney stockholder quote as well as a Texas sovereignty issue.
55. Taking Lives
    I actually love Angelina Jolie a little bit less after this movie. I didn't know a movie could make that happen...and I have seen Original Sin.
56. Welcome to Mooseport
    Welcome to Mooseport is to The American President as the XFL is to the NFL.
57. De-Lovely
    De-deadly de-dull.
58. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
    More overblown than Lindsay Lohan after her recent *ahem* surgical enhancements.
59. Garfield: The Movie
    The glass is half-full argument: it beats Scooby-Doo. The glass is half-empty argument: what doesn't?
60. Open Water
    I have seen political speeches that were more exciting.
61. The Chronicles of Riddick
    The highlights of this movie all involved the casting announcements. It's been totally downhill since then.
62. Hidalgo
    The horse is more charismatic than Viggo Mortensen.
63. Against the Ropes
    This one starts off strong but quickly punches itself out.
64. Control Room
    "Democratize or I will shoot you." A fantastic quote from an underwhelming film.
65. Teacher's Pet: The Movie
    I'm a cat person. 'Nuff said.

Abandon hope all ye who enter here
66. The Motorcycle Diaries
    Planes, Trains and Automobiles for South American commies.
67. Torque
    You probably thought it couldn't get any worse than 2 Fast 2 Furious. You were wrong.
68. Twisted
    The Keith Sweat song affords more entertainment in 5 minutes than the movie does in 97.
69. Van Helsing
    Van Helsing goes to show that even the best concept can be turned into one of the worst movies of all time.
70. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed
    If your child is 18 months or older, they have outgrown this.
71. Johnson Family Vacation
    This is the sound of one man not laughing.
72. Alien vs. Predator
    "Whoever wins, we lose." Well, I can't say I wasn't warned.
73. Godsend
    Gee, God, I appreciate the thought but...
74. Mean Girls
    My estrogen level isn't high enough to appreciate this concept.
75. Raising Helen
    Kate Hudson's post-Almost Famous choices make my heart sad.
76. My Baby's Daddy
    The court should show mercy on all these kids and put them in a foster care program.

Why travel all the way to Las Vegas when you can have fear and self-loathing in the comfort of your own living room?
77. The Big Bounce
    Why, Owen, why?
78. Around the World in 80 Days
    This has the most forced cameos since Circus of the Stars.
79. Never Die Alone
    Cheesier and more melodramatic than a videogame cut scene.
80. New York Minute
    I'll take a Doublemint commercial over an Olsen Twins movie any day of the week.
81. Little Black Book
    As a rule, I am against book burnings, but I am willing to make an exception here.
82. Yu-Gi-Oh!
    I don't know what an Egyptian God card is, but I feel an undeniable compulsion to buy one.
83. A Cinderella Story
    As bad an idea as Hilary Duff's singing career.
84. The Dreamers
    Obnoxiously elitist...even to me.
85. Two Brothers
    Little more than a kitty snuff film.
86. The Whole Ten Yards
    A movie so bad that by word association, it makes me hate football a little bit.
87. Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London
    I think it's safe to say that the Bond franchise for teens has been brutally slain.
88. You Got Served
    This boogaloo is not the least bit electric.
89. Sleepover
    A movie with a message for the kids: fat people should only date other fat people.
90. Catch that Kid
    Kids, it's okay to commit grand larceny as long as your parents don't find out.
91. Along Came Polly
    The book of Revelations tried to warn me that abominations like this one were coming. I should have listened more carefully during Bible class.
92. Catwoman
    Halle Berry wants to make a sequel. If this doesn't place her at the top of the FBI Most Wanted list, I don't know what will.



     


 
 

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Thursday, December 14, 2017
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