Survivor: All-Stars

Episode Seven: Sorry...I Blew It

By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis

This would have been a much better picture if he had removed his shirt.

We are skeptical coming into this week’s episode as our TiVo seemed to feel it would be in our best interest to not watch. Instead, it felt that the 1985 Jackie Chan classic, Police Story, would be a better viewing selection. A week later, we have finally run down a copy of the episode, so we apologize for being so late on the update. We can’t help but wonder how bad the episode is going to be if even our TiVo doesn’t think we should be watching it.

The show starts out by showing Shii Ann and Kathy as they admire a gorgeous sunrise. Their reverie doesn’t last long, however, as Jerri soon wakes up and starts her daily round of bitching. It seems that Jerri’s inadequate sleeping conditions have led to an excruciating back ache and she doesn’t hesitate to let her cohabitants know it.

Shii Ann, people person that she is, winces in aggravation. She had clearly called it to be her day on the Bitch Calendar and now Jerri is muscling in on her turf. Freddy and Jason get along better than these two do.

Power-mad Kathy spends a couple of moments staring directly into the sun, and mumbles something about smiting her enemies, unleashing a torrent of blood on the unbelievers and begetting the mother of all battles. Basically, Kathy sorely needs an afternoon in a day spa. She is waaaaaaaay too dialed-up about camp politics. We, on the other hand, are just bored.

Right about here, we start to wonder whether Police Story would have been a better choice. Let’s see. According to IMDb, the movie tells the story of Kevin Chan (played by Jackie Chan, so that must have been a confusing set to work on), a Hong Kong cop. Apparently, through an array of precision kung fu attacks, Kevin is able to single-handedly capture a criminal drug-lord who has evaded for the government for years now. The user comment even says that Jackie Chan is the greatest actor of all time. Hmm, would we prefer hyperbolic kung fu theater action or whiny Jerri and Shii Ann backbiting each other? Decisions, decisions.

For reasons passing understanding, we go back to watching the show just in time to see Kathy doing her best Scarlett O’Hara. We’ve seen better quality affected accents in Kevin Costner films. And that even includes Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. We don’t remember Kathy being this despicable in her prior season. Hell, we don’t remember Kathy at all.

Random quote from the episode: “[I’m right] where I wanted to be – the non-threatening, zen-like, easy-going Jerri who’s here to have fun.” Frankly, that’s funnier than anything else that’s going to happen during the rest of the show. And to think, we could be watching the Brad Pitt episode of Friends right now.

As if sensing our ennui, Team Burnett immediately goes to a reward challenge – no, wait! That’s too dull! Let’s make it a reward-slash-immunity challenge! The episode has been so lousy thus far that he has to up the ante this much. The winning tribe gets a barbecue feast on a yacht and their choice of any one member of the opposing group to protect from Tribal Council.

The event itself is a combination relay race/puzzle. The pieces must be collected during a swimming/diving leg, then the tribes must assemble them into a seaworthy raft. The teams must then paddle their rafts to land, where one member must play capture the flag and untie some oars from a giant palm tree. Once that leg is finished, they must back paddle back out to sea. Mogo Mogo breaks out into a pretty substantial lead, but Ethan simply blows it when it comes time for him to capture the flag for his team. He is unable to untie the knots that release two oars, and Boston Rob breaks out ahead of him. From there, Chapera paddles their way to emphatic victory. The score is now 2-0 in the Rob/Ethan feud.

The loss reduces Kathy to tears for all of ten seconds until Chapera makes her their selection to play Benedict Arnold for the day. Not only is she safe from elimination, but she also gets to join them in their feast. We really get the feeling that Kathy can’t wait to betray as many people as possible. We just hope she doesn’t do it with a Southern accent.

It’s time to play Thurston Howell the Third as the Chapera tribe boards the luxury ship and proceeds to celebrate their favorite of the seven deadly sins – gluttony. From the way the tribe parties, you’d think they’d never successfully completed a puzzle. Our favorite moment is when Jenna, fresh from eating an ear of corn, asks people to examine her teeth. We’re not expecting her to get the gig as replacement for Miss Manners anytime soon. Jenna would actually make a fine 2003 Cincinnati Bengals fan – she’s just happy to be on the winning team for once.

Over at Tribe We Got Our Ass Kicked, Ethan is receiving the type of baleful stares generally reserved for people wearing fur. Sensing his popularity rating has thrown under even George W. Bush’s, the soccer star offers “A Formal Apology.” While we admire his honesty, it’s never a good idea to baste yourself, stick an apple in your mouth and jump on the spit.

The second half of the episode is so excruciatingly dull that at this point we would even settle for The Medallion, not just some run-of-the-mill bad Jackie Chan movie. Hell, after watching Shii Ann and Jerri quibble for another few minutes, we wouldn’t be unhappy if Johnny Fairplay suddenly made an appearance to shill himself for awhile.

Again, preternaturally sensing our boredom, Burnett feeds us some entertainment in the form of Boston Rob. Boldly proclaiming his “skill” as a “State Champion Golfer,” Massachusetts’ answer to Tiger Woods heads to the bow of the boat. He places a golf ball on the tee and proceeds to try to John Daly the ball several hundred yards into the sea, thereby winning the heart and sexual favors of Amber. How well does it work out? Well, our main experience with golf comes from Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack, but to the best of our knowledge, even Adam Sandler was able to remain standing during his follow through. Rob, on the other hand, falls flat on his ass, which we’re hoping is a metaphor for the game from here on out. All of his teammates are drunk, though, so no one notices. We wish we were, too.

Back on land, Lex makes his move. He goes to Shii Ann and Jerri with a proposition to eliminate Colby as punishment for how pretty he is. The body of the episode involves the two women debating whether they want to advance in the game or get the hell away from each other. For his part, the beautiful Colby remains completely clueless about how Survivor works. During Tribal Council, he is stunned to discover that people might view him as a threat. FYI, Colby, Survivor airs regularly on Thursdays at 7 p.m. in Texas. We’d advise you to watch it at some point. You have nothing else to do what with your being eliminated 3-2 tonight and all. You sure are pretty, though.



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Wednesday, October 17, 2018
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