Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
February 11, 2011
So we’ve come to this. A Justin Bieber movie. Do you remember when you used to beat this kid up in school, then take his lunch money? He is having the last laugh.
I can’t even act surprised by his doing a concert movie, either. Yes, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience was a disaster at the box office, earning a paltry $19.2 million, but most observers realized that movie was released too late in their celebrity popularity cycle. They had lost most of their heat by then as the pre-teen girls who loved them suddenly realized there were boys just as cute sitting in Home Room. Frankly, the bar isn’t set high if you have to look at least as good as a Jonas Brother. In fact, every 13-year-old female in the world appeared to recognize this at the same moment. This is why the Jonas Brothers movie opened to $12.5 million, yet wound up with only $19.2 million in domestic revenue. Such a flameout represents the rarest of rare sub-2.0 final box office multiplier. It also indicates a box office bomb.
The true expectation for a Justin Bieber movie would be a similar performance to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour, which opened to a staggering $31.1 million on the way to $65.3 million in final domestic revenue. The Miley Cyrus concert film was billed as a one week only event before later adding extra weeks of theatrical release. Bieber’s producers are being more honest about the fact that this is not a limited engagement. I should also point out that Cyrus makes an appearance in Bieber's movie. Also featured are Jaden Smith, Ludacris, Sean Kingston, Usher and Boyz II Men. The only explanation I have for this is that Justin Bieber’s father is a supervillain who is forcing all of the talented people in the world of R&B to perform onstage with his son.
If you have read all of this and you still don’t know who Justin Bieber is, I would A) congratulate you on your good fortune and B) direct you to Google wherein you can do a search for him and discover innumerable fan sites that sing his praises. 13-year-old girls love him more than Jesus and cute boots combined. If you are not a 13-year-old girl, Justin Bieber doesn’t have a lot to offer you, as a Canadian who can’t play hockey has absolutely no utilitarian value. (David Mumpower/BOP)