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Taking a look ahead at the week's DVD releases is always dicey for your wallet. Nearly every week, there's a disc that would fit nicely into any size collection. When it comes time to decide what to buy, there are really two determining factors: how much you love the content and the quality of the extra features on the disc. The unreleased studio (film and television) back-catalogue means that every week there's likely something for you. So before you think to yourself, "I hate pretentious television, I have never been a fan of closure, and that hunky young Peter Krause should have never worked again after Sports Night since he could never match such perfection again yet I will gladly spend a boatload of money on a morbid, humdrum series," stop; ask yourself, "Why!?" and then check to see if Six Feet Under: The Complete Fifth Season (or your disc of choice) is one of the weekly BOP DVD recommendations.

After a dozen weeks of mediocre DVD releases, 2006 finally gets serious with a killer lineup this week. There are several must-own titles up for discussion.

For people who like their movies gorgeous and their stars even more attractive than that: Memoirs of a Geisha (Full Frame) (2005), Memoirs of a Geisha (Widescreen) (2005), Memoirs of a Geisha (Special Edition) (2005)

Memoirs of a Geisha won three Academy Awards. The categories it claimed were Cinematography, Art Direction and Costume Design. The latter two of these are considered minor technical awards, but all three speak strongly to the selling point of the movie. Memoirs of a Geisha is impossibly pretty. I'm not someone who gives in to lavish set designs and the clever implementations of primary colors as a rule. But even I am forced to admit that this is one of the most sumptuous movies I have ever watched. It's ridiculously shiny and easily the best-looking film of 2005. The story drags at times, but I highly recommend it.

For Gangstalicious: Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Full Frame) (2005), Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Widescreen) (2005)

50 Cent is a slightly better actor than Vanilla Ice (remember Cool As Ice co-starring the dad from Family Ties? No?) and about the same level rapper. The main difference between the two is that one has been inundated with gunfire while the other one would have been in a perfectly just world. Get Rich Or Die Tryin' is the biopic story of the ascension of 50 Cent from street hood to multi-platinum recording artist. While I am not joking about how woeful his acting turn is, I still recommend the film because the story is just that amazing. This guy should have been dead several times over, but he made something of himself through force of will and mastery of the creative process.



For Tim Burton: Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970), Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971), Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), and Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

Hey Tim, watch these garbage sequels, then hang your head with shame as you realize that your remake was inferior to even this dreck. All four of them. What I am saying here is that your movie sucked. Am I being too subtle about that? That ending? Bad. Your girlfriend's acting? Bad. Casting Mark Wahlberg? Bad. It's been almost five years yet I still haven't forgotten the loathing I had for you as I exited the theater that day. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was great, but you're still on my watchlist for the way you ruined my childhood enjoyment of a planet full of apes.



For our lousy local meteorologist here who hasn't been right in two months: A Sound of Thunder (2005)

I missed the critics screening when this movie was released, so I knew it had horrific reviews. When I finally got around to watching it, I found myself thinking, "Hey, this is pretty good." For 20 minutes. Then, the wheels came off. A Sound of Thunder is one of the seminal science fiction stories of our time, but its theatrical representation takes far too many liberties, stumbling repeatedly along the way. The start of the film's reveal of the time machine and its implementation is sleek and shiny. After they start to go off on their own, though, it all falls apart. A Sound of Thunder was one of the worst box office performers of all time, failing to recoup even 5% of its production budget. The real mystery here is why a film which earned less than $2 million in domestic receipts waited a full six months for DVD release.



For people who smile wistfully whenever they hear the words "toe pick": The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold (2006)

I caught this on Fox Family Channel last weekend while we were watching the NCAA Basketball Tournament on the other television. I have a huge soft spot for the original film, so I was already inclined to like it. When I found out that the sequel starred Kim Possible herself, Christy Carlson Romano, I was that much more encouraged. Then, I watched the movie. Consider my heart officially broken. Even allowing for the fact that this is one of those low budget sequel knockoffs like American Pie: Band Camp, this was disappointing. The characters played by Moira Kelly and D.B. Sweeney return as the parents of Romano's character, but different actors are used in the roles. Even worse, the bitchy Moira Kelly character (now aged a dozen years with the inexplicable casting of Stefanie Kramer) has inexplicably turned warm and fuzzy. Now, it's the daughter who is impossibly bratty but maybe that hunky skater boy can teach her a thing or two about life and love. Of course, there is that one horrible moment early on when she realizes he's not the man she thought he was because...wait for it...he has a job! Yup, that's what passes for conflict in The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold. If you don't mind having a movie from your childhood ruined, feel free to check out the sequel. If you're protective of your memories, this is a pass.



For the 40 Year-Old-Virgin: Sex is Zero (2002)

I have no idea what this is. I just love the title. Since it's the all-time biggest film in Korea and I'm a huge fan of their previously most famous production, My Sassy Girl, I'll be checking it out at some point. Until then, I'll just continue getting a Beavis-level pleasure from the title.



For Bloodrayne fans who can't wait to watch spunky heroine Kristanna Loken in other quality performances: Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King (2004)

If you watch any shows on Sci-Fi Channel, you have been inundated with commercials advertising this two part mini-series. Part one aired yesterday with the finale being shown tonight. Right smack in the middle of these exhibitions, the DVD is being released. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you here. It doesn't make any sense to me either. If you've got a digital video recorder, just set it to run from 6:57 PM until 11:00 PM EST tonight, and you will get both episodes. It'll save you 20 bucks. If, however, you found yourself watching the episode last night thinking, "Oh my heavenly stars, I cannot wait another moment to own this cinematic masterpiece on DVD", I have good news for you. Some men are coming to your home. They will deliver you to clinical therapists who can give you the help you so sorely need. Also, you can buy this DVD now, though I doubt they will have DVD players where you will be vacationing for the next few months. Sidenote: even though it's a cable screening, Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King almost certainly had more viewers in its first day than Bloodrayne had in its theatrical release.







For the dirty-minded: The Triangle (2005)

Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King is not the only Sci-Fi Network miniseries to make its debut on DVD this week. This three-part arc aired in December and has sat on my TiVo ever since. I'll get to it one day, I promise. Until then, all I can tell you is that it features a solid cast. Eric Stoltz, Lou Diamond Phillips, Catherine Bell, Bruce Davison, and Sam Neill are central players. Also, while I cannot speak to its quality, I should point out that the series got stellar ratings when it originally aired. Over 4.3 million viewers watched each of the three episodes, a sensational performance for a cable miniseries. Only Taken has done better for the network.



For women who like teenaged boys with rat whiskers: Naruto: Enter Naruto (Vol. 1) (2004)

Anime fans have made this impossibly verbose Japanese production an international sensation. Now airing episodes on the Cartoon Network, the show has finally made its way to North American DVD release. If you have never watched Naruto, I don't quite know how to describe it other than to say it's an...acquired taste. Episodes frequently stop in the middle of action sequences with sweeping story arcs aimlessly meandering toward conclusion over five or six shows. The only law of a Naruto episode is that no character may have an unspoken thought. I'm not joking about this. A would-be ninja does not just strike out at an opponent. First, he spends several moments describing in detail exactly why (s)he is about to attack, what strategy will be implemented and how effective the assault will be. Oftentimes, this is punctuated by the hero's cry of "Believe it", which demonstrates that the show's producers have significant trust issues. I don't get the hype, but my wife loves the show (a little too much) to the point that we have the new GameCube videogame sitting on my coffee table right now. Maybe you'll like it the way she does.



For Peter Jackson's Swiss bank account: King Kong (2-Disc Special Edition) (2005), King Kong (Full Frame) (2005), King Kong (Widescreen) (2005)

Seriously, dude, how much money is enough? You could play No Limit Hold'em with Doyle Brunson for the next six months and still not go broke. I realize I'm tilting at windmills here, but do you really need the 10 million King Kong DVDs sold that you are going to get in the next six months? Save some for the next guy.

Stating the obvious, King Kong is BOP's DVD selection of the week. For those of you who have been in a coma for the last two years, it's a re-make of the 1933 Fay Wray classic. Plus, Peter Jackson added in two more hours of new stuff, because that's what he does. The movie would have been a fine two hour production, but it's instead drawn out for a period of what feels like three days. Even the Energizer Bunny doesn't keep going this long. None of this matters, though, because Peter Jackson is as close to untouchable right now as a director ever gets. King Kong is what passes as a disappointment for him since it made "only" $217 million domestically and won "only" three Academy Awards. Jackson's disappointments are what would be considered career hallmarks for 99.9% of the people in the industry. Face it, you are going to buy this and there is nothing I can do to stop you. Honestly, I'll probably even pick it up for myself at some point. There seems to be some sort of international compulsion about owning all of the works of Jackson on DVD. Maybe he's a master hypnotist.



DVD releases for the week of March 28, 2006:

Alchemy (2005)
Another Public Enemy (2005)
Au Revoir Les Enfants (Criterion Collection) (1987)
Ball & Chain (2004)
Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)
Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)
C.S. Lewis: Beyond Narnia (2005)
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)
The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold (2006)
Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King (2004)
Echoes of Innocence (2005)
Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971)
Female Prisoner #701 Scorpion: Grudge Song (1973)
G (2002)
Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Full Frame) (2005)
Get Rich or Die Tryin' (Widescreen) (2005)
Hillside Cannibals (2006)
I Love Your Work (2005)
Intoxicating (2003)
King Kong (2-Disc Special Edition) (2005)
King Kong (Full Frame) (2005)
King Kong (Widescreen) (2005)
Lacombe Lucien (Criterion Collection) (1974)
Love on the Side (2004)
Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns (2006)
Masters of Horror: Dreams in the Witch House (2006)
Memoirs of a Geisha (Full Frame) (2005)
Memoirs of a Geisha (Widescreen) (2005)
Memoirs of a Geisha (Special Edition) (2005)
Murmur of the Heart (Criterion Collection) (1971)
Naruto: Enter Naruto (Vol. 1) (2004)
Northern Exposure: The Complete Fourth Season (3-DVD Set) (1992)
Osaka Tough Guys (1995)
Returning Mickey Stern (2002)
Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid (2005)
Samurai 7: Volume 5 (2004)
Sex is Zero (2002)
Six Feet Under: The Complete Fifth Season (5-DVD Set) (2005)
A Sound of Thunder (2005)
Stay (2005)
The Story of Qiu Ju (1993)
TransGeneration (2005)
The Triangle (2005)
Vampiros (2004)