Monday Morning Quarterback Part Two

By BOP Staff

March 22, 2006

Take that, Billy Packer!

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People love puppies

Kim Hollis: The Shaggy Dog opened to $16.3 million last week and had an amazing drop of only 14% this weekend. Its running total is $35.9 million. Did people just forget to go to the Tim Allen movie last weekend?

Reagen Sulewski: Disney movies are tougher to kill than vampires these days. But even in this case, I don't know what people are thinking. There has to be some significant number of adults in that figure, and how could they possibly think they were going to enjoy that?

David Mumpower: See, it's Tim Allen...and he's acting like a dog!

Joel Corcoran: I think Tim Allen has the same deal with the devil as Sarah Jessica Parker. The fact that his movies do well just boggles me.


Kim Hollis: I think movies that appear to be safe family fare are the safe bet this year. Pink Panther is the biggest movie of the year so far, after all. The Shaggy Dog is just another in a similar line of mediocre but agreeable stuff. People still love Tim the Tool Man Taylor.

Joel Corcoran: Oh, I like him, too, but the movies he's in just don't appeal to me at all. "Hackneyed" is the first word that comes to mind. Except for Galaxy Quest, of course.

David Mumpower: I'm still not over the horror of that botox joke from Christmas with the Kranks.

Kim Hollis: As long as you're not including Galaxy Quest and Big Trouble in that description, I'm onboard.

Joel Corcoran: Oh right, Big Trouble was pretty good, too.

David Mumpower: Hmm, now that you guys mention it, the success of Tim Allen's movies does appear to be inversely proportional to their quality.

Movie viewers prove themselves to be giant cowards

Kim Hollis: The Hills Have Eyes debuted last weekend with $15.7 million and has a running total of $28.8 million. Why was it the horror film that had the least success of all the offerings so far this year (especially considering it was the best-reviewed)?

David Mumpower: Tim Allen's Law?

Kim Hollis: I guess it must have been the shocking lack of WB stars.

Reagen Sulewski: No one recognizable from the WB or UPN in the cast is a good explanation.

David Mumpower: Apparently, hills with eyesight are no scarier than dark water.

Reagen Sulewski: Kathleen Quinlan *should* be big with the teen set, but I digress...

Kim Hollis: Mutants have become less scary since X-Men made them lovable and heroic.

Reagen Sulewski: The only thing I'd really point out here is that this is still a decent result for a film that reportedly cost only $15 million, just disapointing and puzzling next to things like Final Destination 3.

Kim Hollis: And especially When a Stranger Calls. It's an okay number, I was just expecting more from it.

Joel Corcoran: I think part of it is that nuclear testing - and the threat of nuclear warfare - is just too far removed from the minds of kids in the Gen Y and younger demographics.

David Mumpower: We are all being quippy here, but I do find its performance shocking. This is a remake of one of the best horror films of all time and it's both well-reviewed and by all accounts memorably harrowing. Any flotsam and jetsam thrown into theaters with a horror tag does well but this. I consider it the greatest mystery since the Pyramids.

Joel Corcoran: The Hills Have Eyes is probably the scariest movie I've seen in years. Like Kim, I was expecting more from it.

David Mumpower: So, I guess what we are saying is that the explanation is that movie-going audiences are frauds. They pretend to like horror, but not if it's really scary.

Paul Walker and Tyler Perry signal the coming Apocalypse

Kim Hollis: A lot of other movies have opened during our sabbatical, but the only ones that made a huge splash were Eight Below ($25 million opening, $73.1 million running total) and Madea's Family Reunion (which held the #1 spot for two weekends, has the biggest opening weekend of 2006 with $30 million, and a running total of $60.1 million). Aren't you glad we didn't have to spend more time discussing them?

Joel Corcoran: Good God, yes.

Reagen Sulewski: I think we have found the way to make a Paul Walker movie look good - have him be outacted by animals.

David Mumpower: I had the flu, and that really sucked (biggest vomit-fest since Cabin Fever). But missing out on two straight weeks of Madea discussions makes it almost worthwhile. My message to American movie-going audiences: what in the blue hell is wrong with you? Madea, Sarah Jessica Parker and Paul Walker are your stars of the past month? And you have the right to vote in the political process???

Kim Hollis: People do love puppies. And apparently fat suits. Women in fat suits are apparently less desirable, though. Date Movie only opened to $21.8 million, losing to Madea by several million.

Reagen Sulewski: I'll say it again with regards to Date Movie - how do you parody a comedy?

Joel Corcoran: I'm waiting for the parody of the Scary Movie franchise to get green-lighted.

David Mumpower: As I say in my Big Board write-up, Date Movie isn't a parody. It's a series of scene recreations of movies people enjoy.

Reagen Sulewski: Then Hollywood would be sucked into its own self-referential black hole. Good thinking, Joel.

Kim Hollis: I think one thing we can agree on is that for 2006 we can really agree that the lack of quality is truly contributing to the downfall of box office. There have been, what, four positively reviewed movies in 2006? That's pathetic right there.

Reagen Sulewski: Or a movie for those people that didn't quite get the jokes in Meet the Fockers and had to have it dumbed down even more for them. That right there should give you nightmares.

David Mumpower: One of the best three movies I've seen so far in 2006, Through the Fire, aired on ESPN. It's like Hollywood is daring consumers not to leave their houses.

Joel Corcoran: And given that Crash won the Oscar for best picture, I have little hope for the future.

David Mumpower: Good Night, And Good Luck was the only genuinely good film out of the five nominees anyway. So, there was only a 20% chance of them getting it right.

Joel Corcoran: I would've been happy with Brokeback Mountain, Capote, or Good Night, and Good Luck. But I think the award to Crash demonstrates the current thinking in Hollywood - quality films aren't recognized, good marketing campaigns are. And until that attitude changes, the box office will continue to suffer. I think people are finally beginning to recognize the schlock that's being released. Well .. the people who didn't don't fall into David's Media/Parker/Walker category of viewers, anyway.

Reagen Sulewski: It's almost the end of March and I've only been tempted to see two 2006 releases so far, V for Vendetta, and The Pink Panther (DER BURGER!). The early part of the year sucks, yeah, but this is nuts.

David Mumpower: I think that really drills it, Reagen. When true movie lovers aren't inclined to see anything, there should be bells and sirens going off.

While we were away, we missed...nothing

Kim Hollis: Okay, quick hits time. We missed the following movies during our time off: 16 Blocks ($11.8 opening, $30.2 total), Ultraviolet ($9 million opening, $17.2 total), Aquamarine ($7.5 million opening, $15.7 million total), Dave Chappelle's Block Party ($6.2 million opening, $11 million total), Running Scared ($3.3 million opening and $6.7 million total), Doogal ($3.6 million opening, $7 million total), Freedomland ($6.7 million opening and $12.5 million total. and the aforementioned Date Movie ($21.8 million opening, and $46 million total). Do you have anything you'd like to say about this group of films?

Reagen Sulewski: Shame. Shaaaaame.

David Mumpower: 16 Blocks: didn't travel as far as I had expected. Ultraviolet: didn't get the red out. Aquamarine: lousy total seems fishy to me. Dave Chappelle's Block Party: doesn't feel the least bit celebratory. Running Scared: kept running straight out of theaters. Doogal: Didbadal. Feedomland: Gone but no Forgotten. Date Movie: Closer to a decent first date than a good third date.

Kim Hollis: For what it's worth, at least Chappelle's Block Party made a sudden move from nowhere. I was expecting it to make maybe a million total after hearing about its popularity at Toronto last year. Other than that, what a pathetic crop of offerings. I actually resent the suits at the studios for believing that I might want to spend hard-earned money on the bulk of this garbage.

Reagen Sulewski: I think every one of his fans were hurting for new material from him.

Kim Hollis: Hell, most of it shouldn't have even been direct-to-DVD.

Joel Corcoran: I totally agree, Kim. Aaaaannnnnddddd ... there goes any hope I have of ever being an entertainment lawyer.

Reagen Sulewski: 16 Blocks is the most notable out of that group in that it nearly signals the death knell for Bruce Willis. He should have been smart enough to try for a cameo of his old role in Miami Vice this summer.

Kim Hollis: Ah, well. Miami Vice is already ruined thanks to Colin Farrell. Maybe Bruce was wise to stay away.



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