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Monday Morning Quarterback Part Two

By BOP Staff

January 10, 2006

Like Uwe Boll, Carson Palmer never saw it coming.

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Note: there are drawbacks to putting 'Cheaper' in the title.

Kim Hollis: Cheaper By the Dozen 2 tallied $8.3 million and has a domestic total of $66.4 million. Should Fox be pleased with this result?

Tim Briody: The original was already over $100 million by this point. So, no.

Kim Hollis: I still shake my head over the fact that the first one was able to merit a sequel, so I think they should be thrilled.

Reagen Sulewski: I would hope that this is a siren signal to Steve-o.

Tim Briody: Though, sadly, it was probably profitable.

Kim Hollis: No, I'm sure Jackass 2 will do fine, Reagen.

David Mumpower: It's surpassed Yours, Mine and Ours. I think that was the first line of demarcation. You don't want the copycat outplaying the true sequel. An $85 million return on a $45 million investment should be more than satisfactory to Fox.

Reagen Sulewski: I think a lot of people just had trouble with the alternate reality where Eugene Levy is the suave one.

Audiences ignore film critics. As with the box office slump, Ebert swears this behavior is not happening.

Kim Hollis: Munich increased 57% to $7.5 million due to its platforming. It has a total of $25.2 million. Is it just getting started, or is this performance about the best we can expect?

Tim Briody: It's got a little life left, but it needs Golden Globes wins and Oscar nominations to keep the momentum going.

David Mumpower: I seem to be a bit more optimistic about its prospects. The early word-of-mouth on it had me concerned that mainstream audiences were going to soundly reject it. To my surprise, they are ignoring the film's critics and giving Spielberg the benefit of the doubt. It could still bump up further from here if its primary awards hot streak continues.

Reagen Sulewski: People seem rather cool to this film. Guilt trips rarely play well on screen.

Kim Hollis: I haven't seen it yet and kind of don't want to. It's dreary and downbeat, which is a super hard sell.

Tim Briody: Though without Spielberg's name, it doesn't even approach $25 million.

Reagen Sulewski: That, or it would have a bigger name in the lead. Spielberg's "message" movies often get treated poorly, like Amistad.

Zhang Ziyi fanclub members are even more loyal than Serenity fans.

Kim Hollis: Memoirs of a Geisha fell only 23% this week, the smallest decline of any of the platformers. The additional $6 million total brings it to almost $40 million at the domestic box office. How will this film be remembered?

Reagen Sulewski: Count me as shocked that it's still doing this well after the initial reviews. I thought it might end up below $30 million total.

Kim Hollis: I think it's primarily going to be thought of as disappointing. It was expected to be a huge awards contender and as a result, to rack up big box office numbers as well. The movie is not even close to being as bad as critics make it out to be, but there is something a little...off about it.

David Mumpower: The tiny depreciation this week shows that there are still a lot of people out there who are intrigued by the concept and are not deterred by the awful reviews. The question becomes how many of them are left and is it enough to overcome the tremendous gap still remaining. I say not by a long shot. As such, it's a disappointment...just not as much as seemed likely two weeks ago.

Reagen Sulewski: Never underestimate the hottness of Zhang Ziyi.

BOP officially declares victory in our war with Uwe Boll.

Kim Hollis: And now for the topic you've all been waiting for... Bloodrayne's distributor, Romar Entertainment, did not report box office and the film is rumored to have made $1.2 million. How's that $60 million you spent for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale looking now, Uwe?

David Mumpower: Bloodrayne is the anti-Titanic.

Reagen Sulewski: I almost feel sorry for the guy. He really seems to believe in what he's doing.

Tim Briody: I wish I could fail at my job that much and still find work.

BOP apologizes to Billy Zane for the collateral damage.

Kim Hollis: You know who has to be even sicker about this than Dr. Boll, is Billy Zane. If you didn't know, he owns Romar Entertainment in addition to starring so it's his company that is taking the huge hit here. It's a good thing he has all that Titanic money.

Reagen Sulewski: Hey, investing in the worst movies ever seemed like a good idea at the time.

Kim Hollis: "You know, I've been in the biggest-grossing movie of all-time. Where else can I go, really?"

David Mumpower: Boll strikes me as one of those insane guys who spends years upon end practicing alchemy, convinced that he will be the guy who finally turns mud into gold. Face it, Uwe. It's just mud. Odiferous, crusty mud.

Kim Hollis: And at least the Roger Cormans of the world accept that they're making some real tripe and spend absolutely no money doing it as they market it on the sci-fi channel. You would think at some point that Dr. Boll would exhibit some self-awareness.

David Mumpower: The more films Boll makes, the more the guys at MST3K consider a comeback.

Reagen Sulewski: I'm just stunned at the not-exactly-A-List, but recognizable names he gets to be in his films. Ben Kingsley, you should have just said you needed money.

David Mumpower: He has an unusual trick for trapping...err, securing talent for his projects. He waits until they have other projects fall through then pounces since they have holes on their schedule. There is a certain mad genius in that.

Reagen Sulewski: Any agents of the actors in this film should be fired for gross negligence. If I'd been in their place, I'd have gang tackled my clients before they got to page two.

Karma's Army has sprung into action!

Kim Hollis: Variety reports that the distributor was so desperate that they sent hundreds of prints to theaters not scheduled to show the film in hopes that they might. Should Uwe Boll be making his Karma list right about now?

David Mumpower: "I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name Is Uwe."

Reagen Sulewski: "1. Sullied the good name of video-game movies"

Kim Hollis: 2. New-Found-Land

Dan Krovich: I think that it's literally quite possible that more money was spent on making and shipping prints that will never be run through a projector than the film will make at the box office during its entire domestic run.

Tim Briody: While it's widely reported that Utah theater decided not to show Brokeback Mountain, largely unnoticed were the thousands of theaters that wanted nothing to do with Bloodrayne.

Kim Hollis: Hell, Michelle Rodriguez probably just asked for a couple of dollars for booze.

Tim Briody: And to pay her speeding tickets.

Reagen Sulewski: I live in a city of a million people. I couldn't see Bloodrayne this weekend even if I had been suicidal enough to consider it.

Psst, hey buddy, wanna exhibit a movie? Maybe? It's Bloodrayne! Oh, okay. Maybe next time.

David Mumpower: Can you imagine the desperation that had to sink in for them to just randomly ship prints to places. "Hey, we know you've got programming already scheduled, but we thought that maybe you would want the glory of exhibiting a Uwe Boll film instead."

Kim Hollis: Please, please, please, please please. Love, Billy Zane.

David Mumpower: Can't you just picture some panhandler at the local cineplex wearing a cardboard sign saying "Will Exhibit Bloodrayne for Food."

Reagen Sulewski: Spamming movies could revolutionize movie distribution!

David Mumpower: Uwe Boll probably funds his films through the Nigerian Scam. Well, he did before he lost all his money on Bloodrayne.

Reagen Sulewski: When your film is in the bottom 50 all time at the IMdb before it even opens, it might just be time to change your career.

David Mumpower: I smell an entire new career for Jeff Foxworthy. "If your films are considered the scourge of the film industry, you just might be Uwe Boll."

Everybody Hates Uwe.

Kim Hollis: Here's Dr. Boll's quote from the premiere: "I want to make a long speech now because I assume that 80 percent of you will leave during the screening. Everybody hates me because I base my movies on video games. And I hate Hollywood, especially distribution companies."

David Mumpower: So, did he think everyone was just there for the complimentary buffet and open bar?

Kim Hollis: Well, Michelle Rodriguez... Though if he can get her on the commentary for the DVD, gold baby!

Reagen Sulewski: Here lies a broken, bitter man.

Tim Briody: The Unintentional Comedy Meter just exploded.

Kim Hollis: He puts doctors of literature everywhere to shame.

David Mumpower: I would hope they didn't serve tomatoes, by the way. Otherwise, the whole affair would have turned ugly.

BOP's invitation was lost in the mail. There's still time to RSVP for Dungeon Siege, though!

Reagen Sulewski: Who actually went to this premiere? It's like the bad gift you give to your secretary or something. "Don't say I never do anything nice for you."

Kim Hollis: Oh, I would have totally gone to the premiere. Totally.

David Mumpower: You would have needed a good defense attorney afterward, though.

Kim Hollis: And I am really compelled each time we discuss Dr. Boll to point our readers to the following... and this.

David Mumpower: By the way, Uwe Boll has acknowledged in interviews that he has BOP bookmarked. Before you send us an angry letter, bub, we want to remind you that we can produce multiple ticket stubs to Alone in the Dark. Anything we said here is a drop in the bucket compared to the way you have already violated us. I understand Lionsgate is considering making a movie about it.

Tim Briody: Which, ironically, will open to more than the last three Uwe Boll films combined.

The last thing she said to him was "Wokka, Wokka".

David Mumpower: Do you think Uwe Boll has ever played a videogame in his life? I think we've finally figured out who Ms. Pacman dumped for Mr. Pacman.

Kim Hollis: Given the fact that his films have thus far had all of the excitement of a Pong game, I'd venture that he's played, well, Pong.

What a jackass.

Kim Hollis: During our holiday hiatus, we missed detailed conversations for several titles released during this time frame. Let's do a quick hit and run discussion about some of them. The Ringer earned $4.4 million this weekend and has totaled $27.9 million so far. Are Johnny Knoxville fans too loyal?

Reagen Sulewski: He does have a face that you just enjoy seeing hit.

David Mumpower: Not too loyal, just too often concussed. You duplicate enough jackass stunts and The Ringer starts to look appealing.

Kim Hollis: Much as I really like him, I have no desire to see The Ringer. Ever.

David Mumpower: Like Shallow Hal, it's surprisingly sweet but it was an unmarketable concept which never should have gotten off the ground.

Reagen Sulewski: Maybe it is the concussions talking, but I tend to get a few chuckles out of films like this, Stuck on You and the like. It's probably expecting too much to have people get over the intrinsic offensiveness of the plot idea.

She'll be co-starring on Joey by the middle of next season.

Kim Hollis: Rumor Has It earned $5.9 million this weekend and has totaled $35.4 million so far. Are Jennifer Aniston fans too loyal?

Tim Briody: If anybody got the short end of the publicity stick in the whole Brad/Jennifer/Angelina thing, it was her. And that Christmas Day opening paid off in spades, too.

Kim Hollis: I think it was the Shirley MacLaine fans who really pushed it over the top.

David Mumpower: Jennifer Aniston's recent movie decisions are such that she might have to sleep her way onto a Uwe Boll production.

Reagen Sulewski: I keep expecting her to end with a sympathy blockbuster a la Nicole Kidman, which The Break Up might be. Co-starring with Costner was likely not the savviest move ever.

David Mumpower: Sadly, Rumor Has It is far and away her best film of the year.

Tim Briody: Yeah, wake me when her movie with Vince Vaughn opens.

Kim Hollis: Oh, no. She's going to ruin Vaughn, isn't she?

David Mumpower: I'm amused by how obsessed Parade Magazine is with their relationship. FYI: no one cares.

The kung-fu monkey is a playable character in X-Box's greatest game, Kung-Fu Chaos.

Kim Hollis: Grandma's Boy earned $2.9 million this weekend with a scintillating per-venue average of $1,427. Why aren't...wait, who stars in this film?

Reagen Sulewski: I'm surprised and pleased by this figure, which I suppose makes me a pessimist. Consider all of Adam Sandler's debts to his buddies paid in full.

David Mumpower: I mainly know these guys as guest stars on an episode of Undeclared. And even then, they were playing hangers on for Adam Sandler.

Tim Briody: I didn't think it would fail that badly, even with the virtually unknown cast.

Kim Hollis: I'm sorry for Linda Cardellini, but otherwise content with the result.

David Mumpower: Can it really be considered a failure? The kung-fu monkey is the only member of the cast with real aspirations of success as an actor.

Reagen Sulewski: All the stoners were totally gonna go see this one, but they forgot.

Tim Briody: Though I expect massive DVD sales...which should happen some time next month.

David Mumpower: Massive?

Kim Hollis: At least all the theaters that were scheduled to show their film actually did.

Reagen Sulewski: I think that vault with all the E.T. video game cartridges still has some room.

David Mumpower: They're saving that for extra Bloodrayne prints.


     


 
 

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