2005 Calvins: Worst Picture
By Reagen Sulewski
February 15, 2005
With as many movies as the folks around here see in a year, there's bound to be a few that don't live up to our expectations. But this category isn't about them. There's also bound to be a few that we'd rather not have seen. This isn't about them, either. This category is for the films that put that dirty feeling in the pit of our stomach, like our minds have been violated in some way. These films were the worst of the worst for 2005.
This year's biggest offender: Catwoman. This was a race that probably over at the first reveal of the costume, an S&M nightmare that told us all we needed to know about how intelligently they were going to treat the movie. OK, it may be a comic book movie, but there's still no reason to treat the audience like idiots. Add the pandering to a nonsensical plot that seemed to borrow from an old MST3K film, and you've got a disaster of epic proportions.
Although it might have seemed like it, Ben Stiller wasn't in every movie last year. Perhaps it was just how bad all of them were that made it seem that way. His worst effort this year according to us was Starsky and Hutch, which somehow managed to sully the name of '70s cop shows. Taking its one joke, "Boy, the '70s sure were weird, huh?" and beating it within an inch of its life, this movie made us regret the invention of television, which set events in motion to bring us this movie.
Speaking of epic disasters, our third place finisher was The Day After Tomorrow, which reaffirmed Roland Emmerich's hatred for humanity. This time he destroyed most of the northern hemisphere with a planet-sized snow storm - but of course the real disaster was that Dennis Quaid's son was trapped in a library in New York! Oh, and there's some wolves, too. All in all, it was the silliest movie of the year and like last year's The Core, it made anyone who knew anything about science weep. One redeeming quality: it's a big hoot to watch when you're drunk.
Coming in just behind that was another big summer blockbuster, Van Helsing. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm getting a bit bored with seeing computer graphics duel it out on screen (Pixar films being a notable exception). A lot of Van Helsing ended up devoted to watching one not-particularly-convincing animation fight another not-particularly-convincing animation while Kate Beckinsale prattled on in a terrible "Eastern-European" accent. Just because you own the rights to all the classic Universal monsters doesn't give you the right to crap all over them.
Fifth worst of the year belongs to The Punisher, whose title seems to be aimed at the audience as opposed to anyone onscreen. With a sleepwalking Thomas Jane and an overcompensating John Travolta anchoring the movie, you wonder how anyone thought this could succeed. No one thought they'd throw under the Dolph Lundgren version, and maybe they didn't, but they certainly didn't justify this remake with quality. When they remake I Come In Peace, just say no.
In sixth place is The Chronicles of Riddick. David Twohy and Vin Diesel, I'm afraid I have to tell you it might be over between us. I didn't like Dune the first time, OK?
We're not just film snobs here and we can hate the occasional pretentious French art film too, as our seventh place finish for Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers shows. Maybe it was the incest, maybe it was the pointless ennui, whatever it was, it annoyed the hell out of us.
In eighth place is Troy, which probably should have spent more time on the script instead of the costumes. Though you've got to like the moment when Brad Pitt's cousin gets hurt and they stop an entire battle. See, we were just having fun up until you had to go to far, you jerk...
Ninth place goes to Alien vs. Predator, a film that had a ten-year development period and still came out half-baked. "Whoever wins, we lose" indeed, but we didn't think they'd be talking about the movie-goers.
Another of Ben Stiller's crimes against humanity round out the top ten, with the early 2004 entry Along Came Polly. Combining bathroom humour, animal abuse and a humiliating use of Hank Azaria, it's one of those films that makes you think that There's Something About Mary wasn't worth it if it was going to lead to this.
Just outside the top ten, several kiddie films received our ire. Just because you're aiming at a young audience doesn't mean your movie has to be purposefully stupid. Catch That Kid and Agent Cody Banks 2 get prizes for pandering (not that kind of pandering, you creep) while Two Brothers gets the Bambi award for traumatization, pitting those cute little kitties against each other. King Arthur was also just outside the list, after offering the worst. Camelot. ever. Taking Lives also took a hit, which really goes to show that Angelina Jolie should stay away from serial killer movies.
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Top 10
|
| Position |
Film |
Total Points |
| 1 |
Catwoman |
59 |
| 2 |
Starsky and Hutch |
41 |
| 3 |
The Day After Tomorrow |
36 |
| 4 |
Van Helsing |
30 |
| 5 |
The Punisher |
29 |
| 6 |
The Chronicles of Riddick |
28 |
| 7 |
The Dreamers |
25 |
| 8 |
Troy |
22 |
| 9 (tie) |
Alien vs. Predator |
21 |
| 9 (tie) |
Along Came Polly |
21 |
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