2005 Calvins: Worst Performance
By Kim Hollis
February 15, 2005
Every year, we find ourselves sitting through performances so incredibly bad, we wonder how these people ever broke into the business in the first place (hello, casting couch!). It's even worse when said performances come from people who were lauded in the past, as is the case with a number of the actors and actresses on our list. Among them, we have three former Academy Award winners and two past nominees.
Winning the category by a mere two points is Halle Berry, who made us sad as we watched her slither and slink her way through Catwoman. Her delivery of lines was cringe-worthy, and all we could come away with was a memory that every other Catwoman who preceded her was far, far superior. Halle, we beg you to stop destroying comic book characters with your lackluster efforts.
Finishing in a very close second was the other "femme fatale" from Catwoman - Sharon Stone. In her role as villainess Laurel Hedare, she reminded us why very few studios were enthusiastic about signing her for an extended period of time. She was nothing more than a caricature of herself, and not in a good, clever way. This movie was a joke and its two major stars were a big reason for its utter failure (though the script and direction sure didn't help matters any).
It may be that we didn't have enough voters who actually chose to see Blade: Trinity, because I'm certain that if they had, they would have all put Parker Posey at the very top of their lists in this category. Normally, Posey is a critical darling and an indie tour de force, but in the unnecessary Blade sequel, she was ludicrous. Sporting one of the worst hairdos ever seen on the big screen, she was totally unable to deliver her ridiculous lines. The fact that she was in a movie with WWE wrestler Triple H and came off as the most memorably bad performer speaks volumes.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's appearance in Around the World in 80 Days might have been brief, but we still hated him as a womanizing Middle Eastern prince who was parodying his own reported dalliances on the campaign trail. Not only did he look ridiculous, with an over-done tan and an afro, but he basically phoned in this cameo role.
Continuing the trend of horrible female leads is Kate Beckinsale, whose heavily-accented Anna Valerious in Van Helsing was the worst element of a very bad film. We were somehow supposed to buy her as a badass Transylvanian counterpart to Hugh Jackman's dark hero, but she simply made us laugh instead.
Speaking of laughing, does John Travolta portray villains any other way than by breaking out into over-enthusiastic, phony mirth? He basically took the Battlefield Earth approach to portraying iniquity with his role as the evil Howard Saint in The Punisher.
Another femme fatale with a bad accent was Alexander's Angelina Jolie. This awful film was only made worse by its overwrought, unbelievable performances, and Jolie was certainly among the worst of them. Brad Pitt might have liked her in 2004, but we're definitely siding with Ms. Aniston.
As if the bad science in The Day After Tomorrow wasn't enough to make the movie terrible, we also had the entire cast sleepwalking through their roles. Considering that the bulk of the performers are people whom we really like, the fact that they were so easily able to turn us against them shows the fickle nature of Hollywood. One minute, Jake Gyllenhaal is an indie darling, but put him in a big blockbuster and we hate his guts. The same goes for every other human actor in the cast (the CGI wolves, on the other hand, were just fine).
In Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Gwyneth Paltrow proved to be a distraction from the amazing images on the screen. Her character was simply annoying, and a lot of that did seem to be due to her sarcastic and embittered delivery of her lines.
And then there was Will Ferrell in Anchorman, who subscribes to the "if I shout all my lines, it will be funny" school of performance art. We can't wait to see him take the same approach in Woody Allen's next flick.
Just barely missing the cut were Colin Farrell of Alexander (who is truly dreadful in the film) and Glenn Close in The Stepford Wives
|
Top 10
|
| Position |
Unfotunate Individual(s) |
Film |
Total Points |
| 1 |
Halle Berry |
Catwoman |
47 |
| 2 |
Sharon Stone |
Catwoman |
45 |
| 3 |
Parker Posey |
Blade: Trinity |
35 |
| 4 |
Arnold Schwarzenegger |
Around the World in 80 Days |
27 |
| 5 |
Kate Beckinsale |
Van Helsing |
26 |
| 6 |
John Travolta |
The Punisher |
23 |
| 7 |
Angelina Jolie |
Alexander |
22 |
| 8 |
All human actors |
The Day After Tomorrow |
19 |
| 9 (tie) |
Gwyneth Paltrow |
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow |
19 |
| 9 (tie) |
Will Farrell |
Anchorman |
19 |
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