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Previously on Survivor, the best player in the game was eliminated, which we suppose begs the question as to whether he’s really the best. We do perceive Christian as the best player in several seasons, which indicates that the other players aren’t just smart enough to recognize the threat, but also willing to band together to topple the king.

So, now that we’re down to the final couple of hours, the best players remaining are Davie, Mike White, and Nick. If the three of them meet in the final, we’ll see three worthy candidates who also have the ability to argue their cases. Of course, Angelina will probably get dragged along instead, which means we’ll get to hear her talk about her huge sacrifice with the rice again. Sigh.

Also, Alison and Kara are there.

Probst pompously announces the beginning of the finale, thanking parents for letting their kids stay up late to watch the show. Aren’t most of them out of school? Or are we getting ahead of things?

We waste a big bunch of time with a recap of what has happened so far. BUT it’s show we don’t have to recap, so that works out just fine.

The episode begins by showing us a bunch of panicked players looking for idols. Every single one of them is searching. If I’m Survivor, I don’t even put one out there…

Especially since Angelina is the one to find the clue. She has to act fast – there’s a rock and a ladder. The ladder is bigger than she expects, and she sets it aside. While she’s in her crazy walkaround mode, she drops her clue somewhere. This means she MUST find it before someone else finds the clue.

Honestly, we figure the producers will just drop the idol in front of her, but they don’t. She climbs on top of a huge rock, but there’s no idol there. She goes back to camp and cries, telling everyone that she fell off of a tree. She hopes they bought her story.

We doubt they did.

Thankfully, we leave Angelina and bring on… Probst. Great. It’s Immunity Challenge time, so we’re that much closer to a finish! Also, there’s a reward along with this immunity – spaghetti! Messy and likely to make them sick! Woo!

The challenge begins with obstacles to hurdle. Then, contestants have to toss a ball at a target to release puzzle pieces. Kara and Davie are first to start working on their puzzle staircase, followed pretty quickly by everyone else except Alison, who hates throwing things. Why does everyone think she’s such a threat, again?

With the staircase portion of the puzzle, everyone bunches for the most part. Kara gets it completed first, and now has to solve a final 60-something piece puzzle. Soon, Mike, Davie, and Angelina join her. Alison and Nick are playing from behind.

You know what’s stupid to recap? Puzzle solving. Basically, Nick pulls it off despite a huge disadvantage. Obviously, he gets to choose someone to join him in reward. He picks Angelina, since she likes vegetables or something. Then, his second pick is Mike.

Probst taunts Alison about the fact that no one picks her for anything. C’mon, man. She’s still in the game. BUT…

Angelina’s clue is sitting on the ground somewhere. Maybe she’ll find it?

While Nick, Angelina, and Mike eat their spaghetti, Angelina frets about the idol. They’re sitting by the water well, which is theoretically where the idol is. While they discuss voting out Alison, Nick and Mike idly (ha ha) wonder whether Alison has the idol. Angelina tells them about the clue and enlists their help.

Side note: Mike suggests voting out Davie (he’s right – Davie should be the target). Nick shoots it down, because he can’t have the only other David voted out.

Anyway, Mike finds the clue and immediately (after muttering under his breath how stupid Angelina is) points her to the proper location. She brags about how women rarely find idols. She is the best ever! No, really! Suffice to say that Angelina’s perception of her abilities doesn’t match up with our perception of her abilities.

She’ll totally misplay this stupid idol. Just you watch.

Next, she goes to Alison and tells her that she has “driven” the last three votes. Was she wearing a Mike White skin suit? Angelina suggests that maybe they should vote for Davie. Meanwhile, Mike White suggests to Kara that they should vote out Davie. Kara (correctly) notes that Mike White has been “driving” the last several votes.

Now, Mike realizes that they have to get Angelina on board. He summarizes her with the best assessment we’ve heard or imagined:

“Angelina has a big ego. She’s a Goliath. The more I make it feel like this is her decision, the more likely I’m gonna get her to do what I need her to do.” He’s not wrong. Clearly, he’s made her feel like she’s been driving the decision for a few Tribal Councils now.

Anyway, Mike gave his word that he’d vote for Alison, so it really just comes to whether he has convinced Angelina that she has had the brilliant idea to eliminate Davie.

Probst asks about the potential bootees this evening, and Angelina hems and haws about a bunch of names being discussed. Alison calls her out on that and says that it comes down to her and Davie. They were the only two to have received votes in the previous Tribal.

Alison clearly has no patience for Angelina. Davie actually has a great comment where he notes that as the numbers get smaller, people get closer. Thus, a blindside stings that much more when it happens. That’s smart and intuitive.

Mike is keeping a close eye on Angelina. He really doesn’t want a tie here, so he’ll need to tread carefully.

And he’s controlled it perfectly. Davie is eliminated, leaving Nick as the primary challenger for Mike’s million dollars.

As he leaves, Davie says that he’s giving his vote to the person who orchestrated this vote. Mike says, “I orchestrated it!” (Davie knows.) Angelina frowns. Be careful, Mike.

Back at camp, Nick is really upset. He whines at Angelina that he thought they had a deal, but he blames Mike, not her. Alison and Kara say Nick is “like a child.” Since Mike fears Nick might blow things up, he admits that Nick probably does have to be the next target.

Side note: Nick and Angelina talk about how Alison is totally going to win if she makes the final. What game have they been playing? Seriously.

Hey, hey, it’s Immunity Challenge time. Survivors stand on top of a perch on a platform. They have to reel in a holey bucket full of water to pour into a tube. A key will rise as they get water in the tube. After they get the key, they have to dive into the water and go to shore, where they’ll unlock puzzle pieces that will come together for a block puzzle.

Alison is done first, followed by Nick and Kara. Mike isn’t too far behind despite being way behind. Angelina is struggling. Surprise.

Nick is methodically working his way through the puzzle. It’s like no puzzle at all. He wins easily.

Is it finally Alison’s night? Or will Nick/Angelina wise up and get rid of Mike? If they do, we’ll have actually seen a situation where the best players (Davie, Mike, Christian) were in fact eliminated so that crappy ones can play in the final.

Good lord. What if it really is Alison versus Angelina versus Kara. Ugh!

Angelina’s big plan is to “create an epic Tribal Council!” She plans to have the girls vote for her so that she can play her idol for herself correctly! She tells Mike and Nick about it, and they’re utterly perplexed.

But no! That’s not enough! She wants to “fake idol” Angelina. Mike tells Kara about Angelina’s idol and fake idol plan. He calls her a psychopath. “Diary of a mad freaking castaway.”

Kara sees this as an opportunity to vote for Mike. She goes to Alison and tells her EVERYTHING Mike just told her. They figure they can vote for Mike if they can get Nick to join them.

Basically, Nick and Kara decide tonight’s bootee. Mike might have overplayed his hand.

Alison “finds” the Angelina fake idol. Angelina all but tents her fingers Montgomery Burns style. Also, did you know she totally sacrificed her chance at immunity so the tribe could have rice?

Oh, well. At least she’s about to look super dumb. The finale hasn’t been edited in her favor.

At Tribal Council, Nick admits that he whined like a baby after the previous Tribal Council. Angelina patronizingly says that she explained her position to him, and they made it up to him. Alison boringly blah blahs something.

Angelina talks about her feud with Alison, which I’m not sure Alison was aware of until this moment. Kara rolls her eyes. Mike shakes his head.

When Alison notes that Mike is a threat, he doesn’t respond well. He’s petulant and talks about how Alison is not “leaving with a shred of dignity.” All of a sudden, he’s thrown away weeks of great gameplay. It doesn’t play well with the jury or his fellow remaining Survivors.

When he talks through his vote, Mike talks about how Alison may have gotten straight As, but she only gets a B+ in Survivor.

Alison plays her fake idol, noting that she is pretty damned sure it’s fake. Jeff confirms that. Angelina plays hers as well (it’s real, of course).

The votes go to Alison, but Mike has really damaged his status here. And Angelina didn’t have her fireworks. So… Nick or Kara for the win?

We’re saying it right here and right now. If Angelina wins this game, we are never watching this show again.

Day 38, and it’s straight to the final Immunity Challenge. Thank goodness. Just 37 minutes to go!

The challenge is a classic one. With one hand tied behind their back, the Survivors drop a ball down a metal chute. It spirals around and around and then they have to catch it at the bottom. More and more balls will be added, until only one Survivor remains.

Angelina seems to think she’s got this thing in the bag. It feels like another Nick challenge, though.

Everyone can control a single ball. How about two balls? (And isn’t Probst going to make any jokes this week?)

Three balls! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Angelina is out. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Next, we lose Mike. And then, while adding ball number four, Kara loses concentration and hers falls to the ground. Nick wins immunity again. Now, he gets to choose one person to go to the last Tribal Council with him. The other two build fire for the final spot.

But not yet. We suppose we’ll waste a little time at camp first. Everyone campaigns for their possible spot. He’s taking Angelina. She thinks it’s because she’s convinced him. The reality is that he KNOWS he can beat Angelina. Kara and Mike are a lot more threatening.

Kara practices making fire, and she does pretty well. As for Mike, he has total anxiety over this prospect, especially having to do it in front of other people. He practices, too. Initially, he’s not super great, but he gets a groove and might have figured it out.

For some reason, Probst feels it necessary to talk a bunch during this next Tribal Council. Let’s get to fire building!

Mike is super nervous and says he hopes if he does lose, he loses quickly.

Kara makes first flame, but it goes out quickly. Then, Mike gets one that he starts to nurture. He starts building it, growing the slowest building fire ever. Kara gets another spark, but it dies. Probst talks about how Mike’s flame isn’t good enough, but he’s a damn dirty liar. Mike wins.

So, we’ve got dragged-to-the-end Angelina, smart-but-childlike Nick, and Mike, who was absolutely fantastic right up until his comments during the Alison elimination.

Day 39 and we’re apparently going to hang out at camp again for some reason. It’s 9:50 and it’s time for Final Tribal! C’mon, man!

But no. We spend three minutes listening to each of the three finalists talk about the strengths of their game. It’s as annoying as you would imagine, but at least they get Angelica out of the way first.

Finally, we get to it. Probst talks about the whole David versus Goliath thing. Please. The two Goliaths in the final should have been Davids.

IT’S ALMOST 10 P.M., PROBST! THAT’S KIM’S BEDTIME!

Elizabeth tells the final three that most of the jury members are undecided, and that they should explain what they did well WITHOUT being political. Christian asks each of them to name a big move they made…

Nick starts by being political, talking about how he made friends with lots of people, and mentioned that John was his big move. John takes this opportunity to say that he thinks Nick tapered off at that point. He kind of goes back to whiny Nick at this point.

John asks for Mike to go through his big move, and Angelina asks if she can answer instead. The entire jury collectively rolls their eyes. She brings up the rice, of course. Davie points out that it’s not a selfless act if you keep bragging about it.

Mike talks about how he had final two deals with many people, and he intuitively got rid of the people who didn’t trust him enough to go there with him. Alison asks him if he has regrets, and he says yes – he wished he hadn’t said what he did to her at her elimination tribal. He says that he was actually playing a role – the person they saw wasn’t always him. Nick interrupts and says, “Wait, I did the same thing!”

Gabby says something to the effect of yay Angelina last woman! Ugh. Look, (and this is Kim writing), I can understand how women might be treated differently, but Angelina is such a complete fraud (and yes, Gabby cries ALL the time), so this whole conversation is annoying.

Angelina talks about the awesomeness of her Idol. She was so cool when she found it! Alison takes this opportunity to ask about the fake idol, and whether the intent was to embarrass. Angelica says no (lying), but Nick and Mike both reveal through their facial expressions that she’s full of it.

Nick talks about his awesome puzzle-solving abilities and skill in connecting with people.

Mike White isn’t getting to talk. Nick is going to win.

Eventually, he does give an emotional speech about how much he love to play and that it was about the rainbow more than the pot at the end of the rainbow for him. He cries, and a few of the jury members do as well.

We predict Gabby votes for Angelina. The rest split between Mike and Nick.

But first, Ray Liotta! He quit smoking! Unbelievable!

During the vote, we see Morrison’s for Nick and Christian’s for Mike. Gabby cries.

In the end, yes, Mike and Nick do in fact split the votes. From Mike’s perspective, though, he got the thumbs up from Christian, which might matter even more than the win. There’s a lot more money in this for Mike White than a million dollars. People will see him and look to him for more projects. And he will very likely appear on Survivor again.

Nick needs the money more. He’s a public defender, which is SO admirable, especially given his motivation. But this will go a long way for him in life.