5 Ways to Recap the Oscars

By George Rose

March 6, 2018

House bringer downer.

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It has never been more important to Hollywood culture to digest as many different viewpoints as possible. Here are my 5 Ways to Recap the greatest night of the year, THE OSCARS!!!

NUMBER ONE - BEST MOMENTS

#5) TONYA’S REVENGE: Jodie Foster hobbled onto the stage on crutches to announced Best Actress with Jennifer Lawrence. Foster blamed Meryl Streep for I, Tonya-ing her before the show, giving viewers great reactions from both Streep and Margot Robbie.

#4) TONYA’S MOM’S REVENGE: Allison Janney, who starred in I, Tonya alongside Robbie as Tonya’s vicious mom, received the Best Supporting Actress award. This was to be expected but nobody predicted the humble Janney would start her speech with, “I did it all by myself.” The crowd loved it and she then reminded everybody this changes nothing as she has to be at work the next day to film her TV show, Mom. I would take either version of Janney as my mother!

#3) THAT DARN HADDISH: Tiffany Haddish made the most of her three minutes as presenter by delivering three of the funniest jokes of the night. She told Meryl Streep she wants to be her daughter, played it cool by taking her shoes off on stage, and joked with Maya Rudolph about #OscarsSoWhite. For those that worried if now #OscarsTooBlack, they confirmed there are plenty of white people to come and many more working backstage.

#2) THOSE DARN STONERS: After Ellen broke the internet a few years ago with her celebrity filled Oscar selfie, the world has waited to see how the show can top itself in the years to come. 2018’s attempt included host Jimmy Kimmel gathering the celebrity troops to go across the street to a secret screening of A Wrinkle in Time so they can thank moviegoers for supporting cinema. Just as Kimmel entered the theater, he commented on how strong the aroma of marijuana was. Leave it to stoners to ruin ABC’s ploy to advertise Disney’s family film.

#1) THE GREATEST PART OF THE SHOW, MAN: It brought me great pleasure to see a song from the year’s best musical - The Greatest Showman - be performed live. We don’t get them every year so this really was special. However, just when you expect the performance to relish in theatrical circus flair, the audience is treated to a much more important display of unity. Rather than set the stage on fire, the chorus all wore the same colored outfit so as to let their multi-colored faces light up the auditorium. It was beautiful and moving, which makes it all the more infuriating that this would be the only great Showman highlight of the night.

NUMBER TWO - WORST MOMENTS

#5) CAT LADY’S FINAL MELTDOWN: I imagine it’s difficult being the Best Actress frontrunner during an award season dominated by a #TimesUp movement. Major props go to Frances McDormand for continuing to demand that Hollywood heavyweights finance stories made by women. However, I’m pretty sure we just saw her having a mental breakdown during her acceptance speech. She deserves a vacation after this madness and, frankly, so do we.

#4) OSCARS SO SEXIST: There were plenty of jokes about white men, many worthy mentions of historic black achievements, and memorable moments of female empowerment. On a few occasions the audience was notified that a category had a 4-to-1 ratio of men to women. I understand the importance of this information and how it will help effect change moving forward. For all the jabs that were thrown, nobody said a word when the five white nominees were named during Best Actress. Women should be equal enough by now to call out their inequality.

#3) OSCARS SO HOMOPHOBIC: Every subgroup of culture got a voice at the Oscars. Well, almost every group. Why is nobody talking about the gay community? The world knows blackface is a bad thing but nobody has taken away the Oscar statues from straight men that won awards for playing gay men. If that’s going to stay allowed, why is nobody talking about the injustice or lack of gay actors playing straight characters? Now that Wonder Woman and Black Panther have proven successful, where’s the gay superhero? And where is the gay actor/actress who MUST play him/her?! Move aside, McDormand, gays need financing too.

#2) ONE SNUB OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI: In what world does a movie about banging a fish beat timely tales like Three Billboards or Get Out? I’m always happy to see the Academy accept a fantasy film and thought Lord of the Rings helped usher that change over a decade ago. Shape of Water was a great movie and deserved it’s Best Director win, but am I the only one who thought Water’s gay subplot was a disturbing use of the sexuality to help justify the inclusion of beastiality? It angers me when straight people try to connect those two dots.

#1) THE GREATEST SHOW SNUB: Rather than award the equality anthem “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman, the Academy gave the Best Song statue to “Remember Me” from Coco. Coco deserved its win for Best Animated Film and that’s about it. It WAS NOT the best song of the year. We all know ABC is owned by Disney and they just wanted to promote Frozen on Broadway by awarding the songwriters of the movie another Oscar. #OscarsSoRigged!




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NUMBER THREE - MOST SHOCKING MOMENTS

#5) SANDRA BULLS#!T: Although I love a bit of self deprecation, I do not approve of the gorgeous Sandra Bullock joking about having the lights turned down while presenting to help her appear younger. She deserves to demand they be turned up in her flawless honor.

#4) PRESENTER SHAKEUP: Case Affleck, who won for Best Actor last year, was intended to show up this year to hand out the next Best Actress award. The tradition was broken in light of the #TimesUp movement and Affleck’s own abuse accusations. The question we were left with was what to do with last year’s Best Actress. Instead of Best Actor, Emma Stone ended up giving out the Best Director award while others dealt with acting.

#3) PRESENTER REPEAT: After Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty created Oscar history last year by naming the wrong Best Picture winner, the Academy gave them a second chance.

#2) THE GREATEST SPORTS MAN: Kobe Bryant wins an Oscar for Best Animated Short. He has five NBA championships and two Olympic gold medals but, sure, Kobe can have an Oscar and the $170 million surprise sensation that is The Greatest Showman can go home empty.

#1) THE SHAPE OF GROUPTHINK: The world waited and expected Jimmy Kimmel to try his hand at matching Ellen’s selfie moment. How he rallied celebrities to his side to help surprise adoring fans across the street was wonderful. It was also, however, an embarrassing display of celebrity follow-the-leader. The stars didn’t volunteer willingly. Kimmel had to recruit Ansel Elgort, Mark Hamill, and Guillermo del Toro to get things going. Only then was Emily Blunt convinced to join. Seconds later Gal Gadot and Lupita Nyong'o arrive holding hands. Oh, now Armie Hammer wants to join. The gang starts to leave just before Margot Robbie comes sprinting to tag along. Just when you think the embarrassment is over, you get to watch the celebs fight over the attention of the camera and audience. It equally fun and sad.

NUMBER FOUR - WORST DRESSED

#5) VIOLA DAVIS: The neck up was beautiful but the Barbie-pink dress was a bit childish.

#4) MAYA RUDOLPH: She was swamped from head to toe in boring fire engine red sheets.

#3) HALEY BENNETT: All those feathers made her look dramatically heavier than she is.

#2) WHOOPI GOLDBERG: I love to see her attempt a ball gown but florals? For spring?

#1) TIFFANY HADDISH: Her red carpet look reminded me of my Greek Orthodox priest.

#WorstMale - ADAM RIPPON: This leather bondage was not the gay inclusion I hoped for.

NUMBER FIVE - BEST DRESSED

#5) ALLISON JANNEY: If you’re going simple, these sleeves and silhouette are how to do it.

#4) SANDRA BULLOCK: Her silver halter dripped down to a flawless, form-fitting black dress.

#3) TARAJI P. HENSON: She slays as usual in sheer black that barely covered her cookie.

#2) BETTY GABRIEL: She doesn’t need to ever Get Out of that breathtaking teal gown.

#1) LUPITA NYONG’O: This Best Dressed regular looked royal in her gold and black dress.

#BestMale - CHADWICK BOSEMAN: Black Panther completed the Best Dressed duo as the co-stars proved a touch of tribal flair can enhance any red carpet look. #WakandaForever!


     


 
 

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