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Previously on The Amazing Race, three-time heart attack survivor Cedric Ceballos dealt with the scorching heat of Tangier, Morocco, about as well as you’d expect. And yes, his team finished last in the challenge. Fortunately for Ceballos and his former NBA teammate, Shawn Marion, it was a non-elimination leg. This week, they get to spend another week trying not to die! This seems like the perfect time to mention that the winner of The Amazing Race earns $1 million. During their playing careers, Ceballos and Marion earned $20 million and $135 million, respectively. Just throwing that out there.

We’ll start this episode as we did the last one: with airport bunching. Still, let’s remind you of the current status of each duo. Team Yale (Henry & Evan) finished in first place and will depart for the airport at 11:34 a.m. Their destination is Saint-Tropez, France. First, they will fly into Nice, France, and then drive the rest of the way.
The teams that will follow them are Team IndyCar (Alex & Conor), Team Extreme (Kristi & Jen), Team Well Strung (who have finished in fourth place every leg so far), Team Big Brother (Jessica & Cody), Team Chomp (Joey & Tim), The Firefighters (Eric & Daniel), and Team Ocean Rescue (Brittany & Lucas).

The last duo is Team Slam Dunk, of course. They’re only 70 minutes behind Team Yale, though. The race was that close during the most recent leg. In fact, Jessica’s act of duplicity against Brittany, the hiding of her gnome, only led to a 32-minute advantage. So, she really shouldn’t have bothered.

Getting from the airport in Nice, France, to Saint-Tropez isn’t easy. Traffic on the coastline of the French Riviera is bad enough to make Los Angeles residents wince. The delay also provides Brittany & Lucas with a wonderful opportunity to debate behavior. She’s stressed and wants to vent. He’s zen and doesn’t want her to vent. This leads to a prolonged evaluation of why they’re not married after nine years, with both of them explaining their goals for The Amazing Race during cruelly edited monologues. Suffice to say that he wants to impress her parents on the show, and she wants him to stop being a jackass and propose. It’s not exactly a Hallmark movie.

Also, the Firefighters have a crazy reveal. THE DAY BEFORE THEY LEFT, one of them became a new father. We won’t pretend like we can tell which is which, but a Google search indicates that it’s Daniel. Eric was already the parent of two girls. Anyway, the newfound father is understandably ambivalent about missing the early days of fatherhood. Then again, half a million dollars will almost pay for his child’s college education!

Oh, who are we kidding? The Firefighters aren’t going to win. Even as they show the baby, the editing shows the men driving their vehicle toward a street barrier. They have to get out and push in the middle of traffic before making a U-Turn. That’s supposed to be an Amazing Race challenge, not something you have to do while driving, guys.

The Roadblock today is sailing-based. Regattas are beloved activities on the Mediterranean. Before a person can get out on the waters, however, they have to prove that they’re worthy of captainship. Contestants must sail a dinghy across a small lake. They have to acquire two clues on buoys across the water.

Let’s be honest. Some of the players should never sail a boat again. Kristi of Team Extreme acts like she’s a yachtsman in The America’s Cup. Virtually everyone else seems like they’ve never even seen The Hunt for Red October. Seriously, it’s like The Three Stooges Spend a Day at the Lake. Evan almost capsizes in a boat that’s no bigger than she is. The former Marine almost gets pushed back to shore.

Half of the Detour is baguette-based, which seems kind of stereotypical. The Bread challenge requires competitors to make 50 baguettes that a master chef deems satisfactory. The other half of the Detour is Tread, which demands that people craft sandals that meet the standards of a master shoemaker.

As the women debate the Detour, let’s head back to sea! The worst mistake by far belongs to Team IndyCar. After Alex brags that he used to live and drive in this area for six years, he promptly misreads his clue. It’s either that or he gets frustrated and quits halfway through. Whatever the explanation, Alex returns from the sea with only one of the two buoy clues. Conor proceeds to bust his chops over and over again for the mistake, which is a ballsy for a dude living on Alex’s couch.

Speaking of siblings fighting (and yes, Team IndyCar definitely interact like brothers), the Firefighters are still stuck by a road barrier. We actually think that this is a different one, but it’s hard to say with them. Actually, after revealing the footage, it’s definitely a different one. They’ve managed to get their car stuck and in need of pushing to safety twice in the first fifteen minutes of the episode. They’re really, really bad at The Amazing Race. For them, you should say Amazing in a sarcastic voice.

Cedric and Shawn finally arrive at the challenge. They’re currently in seventh place, ahead of only the Firefighters. Team Slam Dunk has to do a Speed Bump, which involves stacking speed boats. Cedric describes it as, “pure, hard manual labor” and adds that it’s the perfect challenge for them, given their size and strength. They absolutely shred it.

Out on the water, something unfortunate happens. Evan has struggled repeatedly with the challenge, generally in a humorous way. She’s frustrated but a good sport. Then, her mood changes abruptly. During an attempt to turn the sail, the metal undercarriage whips toward her and smashes her in the mouth. It makes a terrible sound, and our first thought is that she might have lost a tooth. Well, it was close, because the sail chipped her tooth. Evan earns badass points by staying in the water and attempting to finish the challenge. Evan’s tough.

Meanwhile, Team Extreme is making sandals. Their lead feels ginormous. It’s a while before we see another team. Still, we think they picked the slower challenge, which should eat up some of the lead. Back in the water, Cedric’s arrived to do the challenge. His run of misfortune continues as he’s comically large for the dinghy. He immediately takes on water and capsizes.

Brittany the lifeguard feels frustrated that she can’t follow her instincts and rush out to the water to help Cedric, which is sweet. To a larger point, this is the second straight challenge where the deck is stacked against the gigantic former NBA forwards. They’re not going to win unless the various competitions continue this trend.
Shawn Marion describes the horror of this Roadblock as like watching a murder. We can’t say that we disagree. We are 38 minutes into the episode, and multiple teams are still on the first challenge. That may be a first in the history of The Amazing Race.

Speaking of show firsts, this leg will also end with a head-to-head competition, something that they’d never done before prior to this season. So, arriving at the finish line won’t be a snap for Team Extreme. They’ll have to wait for another team and then beat them heads up, which frankly sucks. Their lead is massive.

Eventually, Team IndyCar arrives, and the two duos play a game of Pétanque, which is kind of like Bocce with some Horseshoes thrown in. Here’s all we know: “The object of Pétanque is to get your boules closer to the jack than your opponent’s.” So, yeah. We’re not going to give you a lot of Pétanque play by play.

The interesting part of the first matchup is that it’s a world-class IndyCar driver, someone who has won the most famous race in the world, and his similarly talented partner against two world champion skiers. That’s some serious competitors. The women have an advantage in that they got to practice, but the dudes eventually pull out the victory, thereby winning this leg and earning $5,000 in prize money. Conor is one step closer to getting off of Alex’s couch!

Team Big Brother arrives next, and beginner’s luck is in play. Jessica’s first throw is absolutely perfect and proves unstoppable. Team Extreme has three throws to knock it out but is unable to do so. So, they lose again. Their third opponent is then Team Well Strung, whom the ladies crush. They finish in third place despite absolutely dominating this leg.

Team Well Strung is not good at Pétanque. Team Chomp shows up and crushes the violinists, too. The musicians get lucky in the next round, though. A fortuitous bounce gives them a victory over the lifeguards, earning them 5th place. Then, Team Yale shows up and wins by far the closest game. A measurement is required, but Team Ocean Rescue loses again. They’re now 0-2, although they seem more competent than Team Well Strung was…and we say that despite the fact that the violinists defeated them heads up.

The twins are next to arrive. Nobody is having a problem with the Detour, which was much easier than the Roadblock. Before the Firefighters leave the sandal area, Cedric even quips that Team Slam Dunk is right on their heels. Still, the order here is important. The twins have two chances to advance, while the retired NBA veterans will have only one.

As fate would have it, the Firefighters are finally good at something. They have a great throw right out of the gate and even remark that they love these kinds of tossing games. Meanwhile, the not-at-all engaged lovers are fighting and stressed out. They’ve now lost three straight times and only have one more chance to survive. And they’re going up against professional basketball players, people who have made a career out of accurate tossing.

That’s why we’re so surprised to describe what happens next. After Brittany has a good cry, they see Team Slam Dunk coming. Shawn Marion notices that she’s getting emotional and encourages her. It kinds of sucks that two teams who have been so nice to one another today have to match up in a sudden elimination battle.

During the competition, the lifeguards get in a good early throw. The basketball players then struggle to find the right balance with their throws. First, they’re too soft and then too strong. Finally, Cedric masterfully deduces a perfect arc for a throw and makes what seems like a winning shot. Alas, they fall victim to a buzzer beater when Lucas makes an even better throw. Cinderella is going to the dance, and the heavily favored team sees their tournament run end.

Horrible sports metaphors aside, Team Ocean Rescue wins their fourth head to head challenge and survives this episode of The Amazing Race. Team Slam Dunk is less fortunate. For the second straight leg, they finish in last place. This time, they’re eliminated from the competition. Both men admit that it was harder than they expected and are too polite to point out how skewed several challenges were to smaller players. We’ll miss you, Shawn and Cedric…but we’re also relieved that Cedric is out of harm’s way.