5 Ways to Recap the Golden Globes
By George Rose
January 9, 2018
Awards season is finally here! The Golden Globes is the most fun show to watch, bringing TV and movies together for one night of epic entertainment. 2018 started the year by turning down the party and turning up the funeral. Dead and gone are the days of white men groping their way through Hollywood. Equal rights are on the rise and all the celebrities in Tinseltown decided to wear black to show their support of ending the scandalous times we live in. For those that missed this incredible display of unity, here are 5 Ways to Recap the Golden Globes.
NUMBER ONE - BEST MOMENTS
#1) DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN IN A BLACK DRESS: Reese Witherspoon kicks off the red carpet to introduce the #TimesUp movement and makes viewers at home aware that celebrities in attendance will come together “in solidarity” by wearing black to support the current inequality troubles in Hollywood. Seriously, it’s a Black Sea of dresses and tuxedos, and it’s beautiful.
#2) DATES WITH A PURPOSE: Rather than bring family or friends, some stars brought dates with relevance; Michelle Williams brought the creator of the 10-year-old #MeToo campaign as her plus-one to help spread awareness of the cause the ceremony is celebrating this year.
#3) HOST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: At one point during his introduction Seth Meyers jokes 2018 is, “The year marijuana is legal and sexual harassment isn’t.” If only this was true everywhere.
#4) DON’T MESS WITH MCDORMAND: Frances motioned away a camera that tried to film her reaction during Sam Rockwell’s acceptance speech because it was blocking view of her costar.
#5) ISN’T BABS IRONIC: After Natalie Portman vocalized displeasure with the male-dominated Best Director category, Barbra Streisand (the only female director ever to win a Golden Globe) appears to hand out the biggest award of the night, Best Picture Drama.
NUMBER TWO - WORST MOMENTS
#1) ONCE YOU GO BLACK: Everyone wearing all-black might have been better suited for the Oscars, which is a more upscale and formal event. It’s unfortunate the most fun awards show is also the first of the season; the Golden Globes had the responsibility of being the first to make a statement about the crisis in Hollywood. Though they started the season with grace, the “solidarity” can’t be done again. Once you go black, you go right back to the regular red carpet.
#2) BLACK DOES CRACK: I said to my fiancé, “That was nice of Denzel Washington to bring his mom,” just moments before learning the elderly guest was his wife. Oops, sorry!
#3) EVERLASTING ACCEPTANCE: Nicole Kidman wins the first award of the night and hogs up several minutes for her speech. The Big Little Lies star made it seem as if she was the Best Woman of the night, not just one of many Best Actresses. The race for Biggest Queen begins.
#4) EVERY WINNER HAS A WITHER-LOSER: Most of the Big Little Lies cast wins awards except for Reese Witherspoon. This doesn’t stop her from vying for attention. She overacts her way through every costars speech and takes the mic when the show wins Best TV Miniseries.
#5) OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE BOOB: Kirk Douglas wheelchaired his way on stage at 101 years old to remind men their bodies will shrivel away over time at a rate equal to the growth of their earlobes. Maybe I’m a horrible person for saying the legend looks like a mumbling raisin or maybe the Globes producers shouldn’t have sat him on stage next to the stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones. It’s a reminder that old men of Hollywood are being replaced by beautiful women and there’s nothing they can do but enjoy the robust view from below.
NUMBER THREE - MOST SHOCKING MOMENTS
#1) GOLDEN GLOBES PULLS A TRUMP: Mimicking USA itself, the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association proves to be the most disrespectful of the night. Though she claimed to support women in Hollywood, she was the ONLY person wearing a bright color at the show.
#2) SO MANY WOMEN, SO LITTLE TIME: Alexander Skarsgard primarily applauds costar Nicole Kidman during his speech, then scrambles to equally include other Big Little Lies women.
#3) THE WINNING ARTIST: James Franco wins Best Comedy/Musical Actor for The Disaster Artist and brings the man behind his character on stage. Tommy Wiesel hilariously attempts to take the microphone but Franco chose to go more serious and avoided a comedic mishap.
#4) THE DISASTER ACTRESS: Because starring in and producing a show that wins all your coworkers awards isn’t enough, Reese Witherspoon gets the honor of introducing Oprah as the Lifetime Achievement recipient. Reese then basically outs the icon as a lesbian when she declares Oprah’s female friend Gayle as the source of confirmation that Oprah gives the best hugs. Oprah quietly dodges the claim by thanking Gayle as a “true definition of friend.”
#5) THREE LOSERS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI: After winning four awards (Best Supporting Actor, Screenplay, Actress Drama and Movie Drama), Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri becomes the front runner of the upcoming awards season. Just behind and also winning large with two big awards are Lady Bird (Best Comedy/Musical Actress and Movie) and The Shape of Water (Best Score and Director). The third loser to keep an eye on is Darkest Hour as Gary Oldman beats out THREE different two-time Oscar winners (Denzel Washington, Tom Hanks and Daniel Day-Lewis) to take home the Best Actor Drama award.
NUMBER FOUR - BEST DRESSED WOMAN (with a Best Male bonus)
#1) MARY J. BLIGE: She rocked a single silver sleeve with matching neckline trim on her strapless black dress. On a night celebrating movies and television, it’s a surprise one of the best dressed of the night was a musician.
#2) JESSICA CHASTAIN: The scene-chewing Oscar hopeful’s black dress featured a silver back that spilled to the front around the waistline. This slendering-style halter dress is not just an A-list look but is also a feasible fashion achievement for the everyday woman.
#3) JESSICA BIEL: Her dress got the upgrade with sheer black fabric and a solid quarter-moon across the front. It turned a simple, strapless dress into a sexy and sweeping scene-stealer.
#4) ALLISON JANNEY: The winner of the Best Supporting Actress award wore a long black skirt that led up to the most “colorful” black/white top of the evening; strips of each were splatter printed across her torso and down her arms with minor cut-outs showing skin. It would have been too busy on a less-acclaimed actress, but Allison took a fun chance and stole the show.
#5) HALLE BERRY: Her lace babydoll dress with plunging neckline and recently-shagged hair made this flawless beauty look more like a youthful model of couture lingerie than an Oscar-winning woman in her 50’s.
BEST DRESSED MALE - DAVE FRANCO: The Disaster Artist supporting actor upgraded the generic tuxedo concept with sparkling lapels that made him look like a handsome leading man.
NUMBER FIVE - WORST DRESSED WOMAN (with a Worst Male bonus)
#1) KELLY CLARKSON: My favorite American Idol winner showed up to the red carpet in a frumpy, gold-trim knock-off of Mary J. Blige’s dress. A moment like this… should be avoided.
#2) ELIZABETH MOSS: Despite winning big as Best Actress in a TV Drama, Moss lost on the red carpet by trying to stand out in a boring black dress with a glittery buttoned-up collar. A star at the height of her career shouldn’t be so reserved with her fashion choices.
#3) VIOLA DAVIS: The award-winning actress took the year off as a nominee and went wild with her look. Unfortunately, blending Foxy Cleopatra’s afro with Madonna’s draped “Like a Virgin” necklaces and a baggy black dress makes us question how we could get away with her murder.
#4) EMMA WATSON: This beauty’s dress was a shaggy beast with neck ruffles stacked up on shoulder ruffles stacked up on a (somehow) covered-up neck plunge. I think her style is cursed.
#5) DAKOTA JOHNSON: At first her dress looked lovely with a small silver buckle on the front that stood out as her minor difference to the all-black theme. Then the camera showed her backside and revealed a silver splatter that looked like the bullseye at a Tin Man bukkake.
WORST DRESSED MALE - DARREN CRISS: The blurry details of the fabric pattern made his tuxedo look dirty from a distance and the lapel/collar seemed too tiny, turning this adorable straight icon of gay culture (Glee, Versace) into just another sloppy wannabe-metrosexual.