5 Ways to Prep: War for the Planet of the Apes
By George Rose
July 16, 2017
Rodman secretly protects the chemically enhanced ape baby Caesar, that baby grows up to realize what everyone already knows (humans are awful), adult Caesar feels betrayed by Will, turns out the chemical that makes apes smart also kills humans (because, you know, karma), Caesar creates other smart monkeys, and the world falls apart. It’s the story you always assumed was the origin of the franchise you always thought you knew. In reality, it’s one of the few franchise reboot/remake/prequels that has the chance to complete the hat trick and provide a complete package of three critically acclaimed stories. The second explores what happens after the humans start dying off from the virus but it’s this first film where you’ll learn the most.
3) Congo (1995)
Maybe the reason I resisted the Apes franchise for so long was because my loving father made the dumb ass decision of taking his ten-year-old child to see Congo in 1995. It’s a low-grade action/monster movie about a bunch of greedy, animal-abusing, diamond stealing, culture destroying humans trying to go where they don’t belong in the jungle so they can score the ultimate treasure. The jewels they are after are protected by a bunch of crazed, vicious apes and they are the scariest things in the world to a child. To an adult, it’s a decent way to spend two hours if you’re enjoying the Week of the Planet of the Apes prior to the new films release. It’s a moderately enjoyable way to remind you, the horrible humans that currently own the world, why apes should be stopped at all costs from evolving. Wait, apes have already evolved? HUMANS WERE APES ONCE?! Oh God, no wonder we hate each other.
4) Dunston Checks In (1996)
Just like humans are not all the same, not all apes are the same. There are amazing people, like me, and there are the garbage people of the world that make you fall in love with them and then take steamy wet dumps all over your heart (most of my ex-boyfriends and Tim Burton). There are the nasty apes of the world (Congo), the not-so-bad apes that are only mean because humans were mean first but deep down Caesar is a pretty cool dude (Rise/Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) and then there’s sweet orangutans that mean no harm but make for hilarious sidekicks. Just one year after my dad ruined my childhood, Hollywood would reclaim its grip on my life by making me fall in love with Dunston, the hairy little rascal that found his way into a luxury hotel and becomes friends with the manager’s son. Together, Dunston and the young boy (destined to become a horrible adult human, I imagine) have hilarious hotel adventures and stop a jewel thief in the process. It’s a great way to remind yourself that not all apes are bad and maybe we shouldn’t be so mad when they slaughter mankind. After all, it’s man’s greed and pharmaceutical corporations that created them in the first place.
5) Outbreak (1995)
Speaking of corrupt pharmaceutical companies, here is yet ANOTHER world where zombie movies don’t exist because nobody seems to understand how viruses are made, spread, contained and/or cured. Maybe you should find yourself a God and start praying because it’s not smart monkeys you need to worry about; it’s sick primates. The same monkeys we abuse in circuses and zoos and rich kid animal petting birthday parties have the ability to carry deadly viruses that we can catch with each kissy-faced selfie we take with them. Ever wonder what would happen if a monkey virus took us out instead of Caesar and his army? If you guessed “pharmaceutical companies would try to cover it up so they could hide the cure and make money off the victims” then you and Outbreak would be right! After five movie recommendations, you’re starting to understand. Humans are awful and monkeys are adorable. Maybe we should start being nicer and support more movies with monkeys. This is a good week for that as War for the Planet of the Apes is prepared to take over the box office world.