Viking Night: Bad Boys

By Bruce Hall

May 4, 2017

Bad guys went and shot all the buttons off his shirt

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Like Nickelback, everyone hates Michael Bay. And, like Nickelback, Michael Bay is a gazillionaire anyway. How did this happen, and most importantly, WHY? I personally gave up on the Transformers series after the second one, because both films are incoherent shitstorms of madness and stupidity. I hate Armageddon with the blazing anger of a thousand Hiroshimas. Pearl Harbor is such an unwatchable travesty that I believe someone may owe the US Navy an apology.

Most of Bay’s work is an incomprehensible mashup of meaningless dialogue, massive explosions, spontaneous car chases and spastic music video pacing. Even the people who enjoy his movies can rarely tell me what they were about, and often sound puzzled when trying to recall what they liked. So why in the blue hell do people keep handing over their money? Are we stupid? Have we gone collectively insane?

Put your hand down, Hillary.

We all hate these films. We all agree they have no artistic value (trust me, we do). But we keep coming back for the same we keep going back to McDonald's. It’s a revolting experience, chemically formulated to make you want more. They fill a need. They scratch an itch.

In short, they give us what we want. Every time I hit McDonald’s, I quietly mutter “never again” as I pull away from the drive-thru, and I do it with all the somber earnestness of a camera savvy politician touring the field at Gettysburg. But I know I’ll be back, because someday, I’ll be hungry again. Once again, I’ll only have five bucks. And as always, McDonald’s will be there, with their dry, salty meat and weird, spongy bread that does not behave like normal bread over time.


Give them what they want. It applies to movies, as well. I constantly hear people complaining about how sequels are always so bad, because they tend to rehash the original material. That’s weird, because you know which sequels tend to make the most money? The ones that rehash the original material. Snobs like me want diversity in their moviegoing experience. Most everyone else just wants the security of knowing that at the very least, Transformers 12 won’t be any dumber than Transformers 11. At the very least they know it’ll have bigger explosions, and more robots that are shaped like things robots do not need to be shaped like.

It’s what most people want, and nobody understands just how little most people require out of their entertainment than Michael Bay. And...maybe Nickelback.

So welcome, my friends, to Michael Bay May - a celebration of Hollywood’s Crown Prince of Mediocrity.

Have you seen a picture of the guy? Google him. Look at that vile perma-smirk and that defiantly luxurious mane of blonde hair (that conspicuously refuses to gray as he ages). I want to hate him, but it’s not because he’s a bad director. It’s because he’s actually a decent director who is content with his lowest common denominator status simply because it makes money. At the end of the day movies are a business, which means if most of the people involved could choose between making a masterpiece and making a ton of money, the Benjamins always win. Also, according to a lot of people I know, movies are “just entertainment”, which apparently means that they don’t need to “make sense” or “be about anything”. That’s interesting, because I’ve never heard anyone say:

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