Survivor Power Rankings
By Ben Willoughby
March 2, 2016
Previously on Survivor, I decided I disliked almost all of the castaways this season and we saw one of the most committed acts of self-sabotage ever at Tribal Council. Jennifer was voted out and Brawn was left hoping for a tribe switch, or at the very least a loved ones visit. It was an episode so boring that Jim only wrote three pages about it.
Here are the power rankings - well, not really power rankings, because 10 of these castaways haven’t done anything yet - for this week:
Beauty won the immunity/reward challenge this week, but other than that I can barely remember a thing about them.
Caleb is one half of the show’s least likely bromance ever. He’s even sucking fish eyeballs just because Tai dared him to. I think this is part of Tai’s plan. “If I can get him to suck fish eyeballs, I can dare him to do anything.” Caleb is the unanimously-acclaimed tribe alpha and pretty much won the immunity challenge on his own, so he’s not going anywhere.
2-4. Michele / Julia / Anna
Even though they are all different people, I can’t really name them, let alone tell you anything they did - not even the poker player with the big boobs. That’s how little time the show has spent with them.
Nick is easy to remember. He’s the only guy on the tribe without a personality.
Tai is still hanging out alone, but it at least earned him the opportunity to find a hidden immunity idol. He knows exactly where it is but he needs a key to access it, and that key is near the top of a very tall palm tree. Last week’s sketchiness appears to have been forgotten by the rest of his tribe, but that’s only because they haven’t come last in a challenge yet.
Peter’s only moment last week was saying that he wants Debbie on his team, because she has no gameplay. His way of dealing with Debbie seems to be “agree with whatever she says.”
Liz seems to have done a bunch of Survivor-geek book-learning on subjects such as how to filter water with charcoal but not using a Brita filter, and how to get coconuts down from a tree with a big stick. She also had a minor freak-out of her own about water, so maybe she’s a little more sympathetic to Aubry now.
3-4. Aubry / Neal
Except for some complaints about Joe and mild singing, they were not appearing last episode.
Joe claims that he and Debbie are the most practical people on the tribe because while his fellow castaways have book knowledge, he’s the guy who lights a fire with a cup of kerosene and however many of Neal’s eyebrows are within range of the flames. “Us old people are the most practical” is just another way of saying “I don’t want to listen to people younger than me.”
Debbie has 20 years’ experience of analyzing water and fabricating the results, so no one can tell her what she shouldn’t drink. After asking whether Debbie has 30 cats or 40, Peter settles on 40 - but he's completely wrong. Cats are far too normal for Debbie, who raises turtles.
Brawn haven’t won anything except dates with Probst. That’s about reason #3 why it sucks to be on the Brawn tribe.
In the immunity challenge, Scot wore his basketball socks pulled all the way up his shins. That’s about the nicest thing I can say about Scot.
I’m confused over whether to call him Kyle or Jason, because both the chryon and Probst say Jason (which is his surname) but he hasn’t done anything to warrant last-name status on Survivor, even when stacked against last season’s last-namers like Varner, Wentworth and even Kappenberg. I don’t care if he has two first names - having “Just me” and a smiley face emoji tattooed on your fingers shouldn’t get you last name status.
Cydney’s not Alecia, but that probably means she’ll be the next to shoot herself in the foot.
I’ll give Alecia credit for the three days she spent scraping a flint to get a glimmer of fire while everyone laughed about it, but I don’t think anyone has been closer to the bottom rung of any tribe.
Those are the power rankings, such as they are for this week. Next Time On Survivor, Debbie wears her hair like Gollum would if he had hair. If that's the highlight reel, I can't wait for the episode!