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Survivor: Kaoh Rong - Power Rankings

Week 1

By Ben Willoughby

February 24, 2016

I figure women love Nicholas Sparks, so why not?

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4. Nick

Nick is a personal trainer/life coach who claims that his life is easier because he’s better looking than most people, and I don’t know whether it’s funnier that he’s a personal trainer/life coach and he thinks life could be a lot harder, or that he looks like a less attractive version of Rupert Everett, and would probably still be a personal trainer/life coach if he were average-looking rather than slightly-better-than-average.

5. Julia

Julia says that we shouldn’t pre-judge her just because she’s in a sorority, but that’s all we really know about her so far, so I’m judging.

6. Tai

Tai is the “Mr. Inner Beauty” of his tribe. He loves all life, whether it is chickens that he ties together so they can be happier until their eventual death, or trees that he is uprooting while rummaging around for a hidden immunity idol. Unfortunately for Tai, he got totally busted looking for an idol before there was even a challenge, and everyone on his tribe thinks that his inner beauty is all garbage.




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Brawn

1. Scot

Scot is a former NBA player, and has already taken on the job of tribe leader. His leadership style is telling people who are freaking out not to freak out, which always works well on Survivor when people are freaking out.

2. Kyle

Kyle is like a collection of everything terrible wrapped up into a big sack of meat. Ear gauges, dumb and loud about it, a man bun, a knuckle-cracking habit. He has so many awful tattoos that I’m going to point one out each week and see who lasts longer - Kyle or this list. He claims that “Blondie” (Alecia) and Darnell don’t measure up to his standards, but Scot is a former NBA player, Cydney is a world-class bodybuilder, and I’m not yet clear on why a guy who has “Blue Label” tattooed in cursive script under his collar believes he is at their level.

3. Jennifer

Jennifer is a construction worker who is tough enough to live through a night listening to a bug lay eggs in her head. I’m glad it’s out of her ear, but I think she should have been given the chance to do the bug-squishing.

4. Cydney

Cydney is a professional body-builder who has already lost her first alliance in the game. I wonder if the real reason Darnell is gone is because the others on her tribe didn’t want a pair.

5. Alecia

Alecia’s claim to be on the Brawn tribe is that she has been bungee jumping and diving with sharks, so she has clearly been cast as a clear joke by the producers. Maybe someone in casting has been reading too many pick-up artist guides and is trying to neg her. “You’re not pretty enough to be on the Beauty tribe. But tell you what, I’ll cast you on Brawn. You’ll still get to be on TV.”

There are the power rankings for the week. Next time on Survivor, Tai totally leans in for a kiss with Caleb.


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