This Month, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for February 2016

By Curt David

February 15, 2016

Deadly beauty.

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It’s February. You most likely didn’t watch a movie last weekend because of the Super Bowl, but you may want to watch a new release sometime this month. Let me help.

New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for the upcoming month in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch this month in theaters.

For the month of February 2016, the new movies in wide release are as follows:

February 5:
The Choice
Hail, Caesar!
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

February 12:
Deadpool
How to be Single
Zoolander 2

February 19:
Race
Risen
The Witch

February 26:
Eddie the Eagle
Gods of Egypt
Triple 9

I predict a movie’s watchability by 7 criteria. For each criterion, I am going to rank these movies from the best to the worst. If a movie gets first place in a category, it will get 1 point. The lower the ranking, the more points it will get (like golf). Then I’ll calculate the best movies to watch this month at the end of the column.


CLEAREST TITLE (Is the title recognizable or unique enough to make me watch the movie)
1- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - The perfect title!
2- Zoolander 2 - A sequel to Zoolander
3- Deadpool - I think I’ve heard of this superhero
3- Hail, Caesar! - I have heard of Caesar
4- Gods of Egypt - I have heard of Egypt
4- How to Be Single - I am a lot of experience with this
5- Eddie the Eagle - Don’t know, but unique
5- The Witch - About a witch
5- The Choice - About a choice
6- Race- About a race
6- Risen - About rising
6- Triple 9 - About ???

BEST GENRE & RATING (elevated status if you are the only genre or rating for the entire month)
1- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - (Action/Horror/Romance, PG-13)
2- Triple 9 - (Crime/Thriller, R)
3- Deadpool - (Superhero, Rated R)
4- Gods of Egypt - (Adventure/Fantasy, PG-13)
5- Zoolander 2 - (Comedy, PG-13)
5- Hail, Caesar! - (Comedy/Mystery, PG-13)
5- How to Be Single - (Comedy, R)
5- The Choice - (Romance, PG-13)
6- Eddie the Eagle - (Bio/Drama, PG-13)
6- Race - (Bio/Drama, PG-13)
6- Risen - (Bio/Drama, PG-13)
6- The Witch - (Horror, R)


BEST PLOT (in ten syllables, gleaned from the trailer)
1- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Jane Austen’s story with frickin’ zombies!
2- Risen - Different perspective on Jesus’ life.
3- Zoolander 2 - Old male model needs to save world. Funny.
3- Deadpool - Atypical Marvel film. Hilarious.
4- Race - True story. Jesse Owens’ Olympics.
4- Eddie the Eagle - True story. Underdog at Olympics.
5- Hail, Caesar! - Not sure. Finding missing celebrity.
5- Gods of Egypt - Really not sure. Monsters and gods and stuff.
5- The Witch - Not a clue. Puritan days. There’s a witch.
5- Triple 9 - Not super sure. Cops. Some are good. Some are bad.
6- The Choice - Guy meets girl. Car Crash. Coma. Must choose love.
6- How to Be Single - Girl’s single plot. Rebel Wilson’s in it!


BEST TRAILER (Higher rankings if your trailer makes me care about the movie and want to watch it! So comedies, be funny. Horror movies, be scary. Action movies, don’t be lame.)
1- Triple 9
2- Deadpool
3- Zoolander 2
4- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
5- Risen
6- Race
6- Eddie the Eagle
7- How to Be Single
7- Hail, Caesar!
7- Gods of Egypt
8- The Witch
8- The Choice


COOLEST LEAD ACTOR
1- Hail, Caesar! - (George Clooney, Ocean’s Eleven)
2- Zoolander 2 - (Ben Stiller, Night at the Museum)
2- Deadpool - (Ryan Reynolds, The Proposal)
2- Gods of Egypt - (Gerard Butler, 300)
3- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - (Lily James, Cinderella)
3- Risen - (Joseph Fiennes, Shakespeare in Love)
3- How to Be Single - (Dakota Johnson, 50 Shades of Grey)
3- Triple 9 - (Casey Affleck, Gone Baby Gone)
4- Race - (Stephan James, Selma)
4- The Choice - (Teresa Palmer, Warm Bodies)
4- Eddie the Eagle - (Taron Egerton, Kingsman)
5- The Witch - (Didn’t recognize the main character)


BEST CAST
1- Hail, Caesar! - (Josh Brolin, Ralph Fiennes, Scarlett Johansson, Tilda Swinton, Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill, and more!)
2- Zoolander 2 - (Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Penelope Cruz, Kristen Wiig, and more!)
2- Gods of Egypt - (Geoffrey Rush, Brenton Thwaites, Chadwick Boseman, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, and other non-Egyptians)
2- Triple 9 - (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Teresa Palmer, Kate Winslet, Aaron Paul, Woody Harrelson, Anthony Mackie)
3- How to Be Single - (Rebel Wilson, Leslie Mann, Alison Brie, and others)
3- Eddie the Eagle - (Hugh Jackman, Christopher Walken)
4- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - (Charles Dance, Lena Headey, Matt Smith)
4- The Choice - (Benjamin Walker, Maggie Grace, Tom Wilkinson, Tom Welling)
4- Race - (Jason Sudeikis, Jeremy Irons, William Hurt)
5- Risen - (Tom Felton)
6- Deadpool - (Morena Baccarin)
6- The Witch - (Ralph Ineson)


BEST STREET CRED (what else has the director directed)
1- Hail, Caesar! - (Coen Brothers, True Grit)
2- Zoolander 2 - (Ben Stiller, Tropic Thunder)
2- Gods of Egypt - (Alex Proyas, I Robot)
2- Risen - (Kevin Reynolds, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves)
3- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - (Burr Steers, 17 Again)
3- Race - (Stephen Hopkins, Predator 2)
4- The Choice - (Ross Katz, Adult Beginners)
4- How to Be Single - (Christian Ditter, Love Rosie)
4- Eddie the Eagle - (Dexter Fletcher, Wild Bill)
4- Triple 9 - (John Hillcoat, Lawless)
5- Deadpool - (Tim Miller, first full-length film)
5- The Witch - (Robert Eggers, first full-length film)


The Results: I’ll list the points each movie received in each of the 7 rounds. Like golf, the lowest total score will show the best movie to watch this month.





TitleGenrePlotTrailerActorCastCredTotal
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies111434317
Zoolander 2253322219
Triple 9625132423
Hail, Caesar!355711123
Deadpool333226524
Gods of Egypt445722226
Risen662535229
How to Be Single456733432
Eddie the Eagle564643432
Race664644333
The Choice566844437
The Witch555856539




You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked love horror films, feel free to watch The Witch. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: If you are going to see one new movie in the theaters this month, you should go and see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (not sure how good the movie is, but best concept ever).
Conclusion 2: If you are made of money and can see more than one movie, feel free to check out Zoolander 2.
Conclusion 3: Then depending on your taste, you may either want to watch Triple 9, Deadpool, or Hail Caesar! (Risen and Race might also be underrated, especially if you are a fan of Jesse or JC).
Conclusion 4: The gold stars for the movies with the best tagline this month goes to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ “Bloody Lovely,” Zoolander 2’s “Long Time No Z,” and Deadpool’s (actually it had multiple good taglines) “Bad Ass. Smart Ass. Great Ass.”




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