This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for April 10-12, 2015

By Curt David

April 10, 2015

Hotties.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of April 10th, the new movie in wide release is The Longest Ride, and Woman in Gold is being expanded to more theaters.






The Longest RideWoman in GoldWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleHorses? Cars? Airplanes?Painted gold? In a block of gold? Both of these non-helpful titles will split the point.
Best Genre
and Rating
Romance
Rated PG-13 for some sexuality, partial nudity, and some war and sports action
Drama
Rated PG-13 for some thematic elements and brief strong language.
Woman in Gold wins the point for being PG-13 and lacking sexuality and partial nudity.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Bull rider loves girl
Has to choose her or the game
A lot of romance
Nazis stole painting
Years pass, woman wants it back
Government won’t give!
Woman in Gold sounds like a far better plot.
Best TrailerPROS: Is a Nicholas Sparks adaptation if you like that
CONS: Is a Nicholas Sparks adaptation if you don’t like that
PROS: Looks like an inspirational movie, filled with humor, and fighting for justice
CONS: None, if you would also root for a woman getting back a painting that the Nazis stole
Coincidentally, both trailers feature flashbacks from generations before. Non-coincidentally, Woman in Gold had a great trailer. Point.
Coolest Lead ActorScott Eastwood from several movies, and is the son of Clint Eastwood.Helen Mirren from The Queen, RED, and The Debt.Helen Mirren wins this point.
Best CastAlan Alda (M*A*S*H) Ryan Reynolds (The Proposal), Katie Holmes (Batman Begins), and Daniel Bruhl (Rush)Hawkeye wins this point (please tell me you get this reference)
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director George Tillman Jr. also directed Soul Food. Director Simon Curtis also directed My Week with Marilyn and many TV shows. Both talented directors will split this point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Woman in Gold wins 5 points (and a gold star), and The Longest Ride wins 2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you watched the movie Dear John, feel free to watch The Longest Ride. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Woman in Gold is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t find one for The Longest Ride, so Woman in Gold wins for “Justice is Priceless.”
Conclusion 3: I typed The Longest Yard every single time I tried typing The Longest Ride this column. Different type of movie.




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