Last Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for January 23-26, 2015

By Curt David

January 28, 2015

I can't believe tech support told me to plug and unplug my computer.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

Also, for the next month I’ll tell you why Andy Serkis should be nominated for Box Office Prophet’s Calvin Awards as Best Actor.

For the weekend of January 22nd, the new movies in wide release were The Boy Next Door, Strange Magic, and Mortdecai.







The Boy Next DoorStrange MagicMortdecaiWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleIs either a really good or a really bad thingThat can’t be goodThat’s a nameNot very clear titles. 1/3 point each.
Best Genre
and Rating
Thriller
Rated R for violence, sexual content/nudity and language
Fantasy Animation
Rated PG for some action and scary images
Comedy
Rated R for some language and sexual material
Three types of genres. Nice. 1/3 point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Mom sleeps with young guy
Breaks up with him. He is sad.
He stalks her. Gets bad.
Magical creatures
Some live in dark. Some in light.
There’s war and some love.
Silly British Guy
Travels. Does some silly things.
I don’t get the plot.
Not a good week of plots. I guess Strange Magic gets the point.
Best TrailerPROS: Has J.Lo and it’s a thriller
CONS: May not be a good thriller, also may have cheesy dialogue
PROS: Kids might like it, looks like a neat fairy world (and was created by George Lucas)
CONS: I didn’t really connect with the plot or characters
PROS: Stars famous people, Johnny Depp in another quirky role
CONS: British quirky humor may be too much for most
Not a good week for trailers. 1/3 point each.
Coolest Lead ActorJennifer Lopez from Out of Sight and Maid in Manhattan.Animated CastJohnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean and Edward Scissorhands.Johnny Depp wins this point.
Best CastKristin Chenoweth (The West Wing), John Corbett (My Big Fat Greek Wedding), and Ryan Guzman (Step Up All In)Voices of Alan Cumming, Evan Rachel Wood, Kristin Chenoweth, Maya Rudolph and others!Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man), Ewan McGregor (Star Wars), Paul Bettany (A Beautiful Mind), and others. Mortdecai wins this point too.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Rob Cohen also directed Dragonheart, xXx, and The Skulls. Story by George Lucas who did Star Wars, of course. Director David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, Mission: Impossible, Spider-Man and others. George Lucas has to win this point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Mortdecai and Strange Magic each score 3 points and The Boy Next Door scores 1 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you love J.Lo films, feel free to watch The Boy Next Door. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Mortdecai and Strange Magic are the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline, which serves as a tiebreaker. Mortdecai wins the column this week as it has the best tagline, “Sophistication has a name.” That beats J.Lo’s “Her mistake. His obsession.” And Strange Magic’s “Everyone deserves to be loved.”
Conclusion 3: I wrote “Star Wars” twice and “Kristin Chenoweth” twice in this column.
Conclusion 4: An open letter to the staff of BOP, “Dear Box Office Prophets, the Calvin Awards are almost among us. I implore you to keep your sanity and logical reasoning and not get swept up with the tidal storm that is award season. So remember to vote for Andy Serkis as Best Actor of the year for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Also, you are looking really sexy in that outfit you have on.”




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