This Weekend, Watch This: A comparison for the new releases for January 16-18, 2015

This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for January 16-18, 2015

By Curt David

January 18, 2015

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

Also, for the next month I’ll tell you why Andy Serkis should be nominated for the Box Office Prophets Calvin Awards as Best Actor.

For the weekend of January 9th, the new movies in wide release are Blackhat, Paddington, The Wedding Ringer, and American Sniper.

	Blackhat	Paddington	The Wedding Ringer	American Sniper	WINNER (1 point per category)
Clearest Title	Not a good title for a movie	The bear?	About a wedding?	This will clearly be about an American sniper	Paddington and American Sniper split the point for the title helping to say what the movie is about.
Best Genre and Rating	Action Rated R for violence and some language	Family Comedy Rated PG for mild action and rude humor	Comedy Rated R for crude and sexual content, language throughout, some drug use and brief graphic nudity.	War Drama Rated R for strong and disturbing war violence, and language throughout including some sexual references	Three R-rated films??? Paddington takes this point for its uniqueness.
Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars)	Computer Hacker Can wreak havoc on the world Guy needs to stop him	A bear lives with man He has human qualities Silly adventures	Best man for hire Groom in need; gets fake groomsmen Humorous hijinks	Most lethal sniper Deals with inner turmoil Based on true story	All four plots split the point four ways.
Best Part of Trailer	PROS: Semi-interesting take on if the world becomes dependent on computers, hackers could be terrorists CONS: I didn’t connect with the characters, the plot, or the stakes	PROS: Kids might like it CONS: I didn’t connect with the characters, the plot, or the humor.	PROS: Stars Kevin Hart, so some parts much be funny CONS: Trailer wasn’t overly funny, but maybe the movie will be	PROS: Stars Bradley Cooper and directed by Clint Eastwood, and looks like an amazing dramatic intense movie CONS: None	American Sniper easily wins the point for best trailer.
Coolest Lead Actor	Chris Hemsworth is Thor.	Paddington is a bear from some children’s novels.	Kevin Hart from Ride Along and Think Like a Man.	Bradley Cooper from Alias and The Hangover	All four lead actors split the point for coolness.
Best Cast	Viola Davis (The Help)	Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge), Julie Walters (Harry Potter), and Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)	Josh Gad (Olaf from Frozen!), Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting (Big Bang Theory), and Cloris Leachman (Mary Tyler Moore)	Sienna Miller (G.I. Joe)	Olaf! Paddington and The Wedding Ringer split this point.
Best Street Cred For the Production	Director Michael Mann also directed Ali and Collateral.	Writer and Director Paul King also wrote and directed Bunny the Bull.	Writer and Director Jeremy Garelick also wrote The Break-Up	Director Clint Eastwood. ‘Nuf said.	Clint will always win the Best Street Cred Point.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, American Sniper scores 3 points, Paddington scores 2 and 1/2 points, The Wedding Ringer scores 1 point, and Blackhat scores 1/2 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you love all Kevin Hart films, feel free to watch The Wedding Ringer. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, American Sniper is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t pick a winner this week. They were all sort of above average but not spectacular, so gold stars all around. They were: Blackhat’s “We are no longer in control,” Paddington’s “A little bear will make a big splash,” The Wedding Ringer’s “He’s the best man… money can buy,” and American Sniper’s “The most lethal sniper in U.S. History.”
Conclusion 3: How many syllables does “turmoil” have? The internet is telling me two syllables, but where I come from, it is clearly pronounced with three syllables. I’ll keep my haiku based on my upbringing.
Conclusion 4: An open letter to the staff of BOP, “Dear Box Office Prophets, the Calvin Awards are almost among us. I implore you to keep your sanity and logical reasoning and not get swept up with the tidal storm that is award season. So remember to vote for Andy Serkis as Best Actor of the year for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Also, you are looking really sexy in that outfit you have on.”

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