This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for December 12-14, 2014

By Curt David

December 12, 2014

Well, not everybody hates Chris.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Rose Byrne in The Internship), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 100%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of December 12th, the two new movies in wide release are Top Five and Exodus: Gods and Kings.







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Top Five Exodus: Gods and KingsWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleI like lists, but not sure what this movie is aboutI like the Bible, is this about that exodus? Exodus is more recognizable. Point.
Best Genre
and Rating
Comedy
Rated R for strong sexual content, nudity, crude humor, language throughout and some drug use
Epic Action
Rated PG-13 for violence including battle sequences and intense images
1/2 point each for varied genres and ratings.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
A comedian
Thinks he’s no longer funny
Does some soul-searching
Moses tells Pharaoh
To let all the people go
He’s not having it
It’s a pretty epic plot, another point for Exodus.
Best TrailerPROS: Seems like a good movie, with a lot of funny moments (but maybe not an all-out comedy where every scene has to be funny, ya know?)
CONS: None
PROS: Epic water, plague, and battle scenes, and a popular story
CONS: The casting choices don’t ethnically match up with the characters, and good potential for Hollywood liberties with a Bible story
1/2 point each because each trailer brought some good stuff.
Coolest Lead ActorChris Rock from Madagascar and his comedy. Christian Bale from The Dark Knight, The Prestige, and American Psycho. Batman needs to win this point.
Best Cast(Some of these may be cameos) Adam Sandler, Rosario Dawson, Gabrielle Union, Kevin Hart, Whoopi Goldberg, Jerry Seinfeld, Tracy Morgan, and Cedric the Entertainer. Joel Edgerton (The Great Gatsby), Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad), Sigourney Weaver (Aliens), and Ben Kingsley (Shindler’s List)Two great casts. Top Five needs to win this point though.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Writer and Director Chris Rock also wrote and directed I Think I Love My Wife and Head of State. Director Ridley Scott has also directed Alien, Gladiator, and Black Hawk Down. Chris Rock definitely has street cred, but Ridley Scott is going to take this point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Exodus: Gods and Kings scores 5 points (and a gold star) and Top Five scores 2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you want to see a comedy with a good trailer, feel free to watch Top Five. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Exodus: Gods and Kings is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t find one for Top Five, so Exodus’ “Once brothers, now enemies” wins the gold star this week.
Conclusion 3: The SAG and Golden Globe nominations were announced this week and there was a huge oversight! Where was Andy Serkis’ Best Actor nomination for his role as Caesar in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes? I am officially starting my campaign for him to win the Best Actor award from the only award that matters: The Calvin Awards.

*Statistic is completely made up. Interestingly, over the past 100 weeks I have used every percentage available for this column.


     


 
 

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