This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for October 3-5, 2014

By Curt David

October 3, 2014

If anyone has seen this woman trying to act, please notify us immediately.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Doom), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kristen Bell in Couples Retreat), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 89%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of October 3rd, the new movies in wide release are Annabelle, Gone Girl, and Left Behind.






Annabelle Gone GirlLeft BehindWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleNot sure what this movie is aboutNot sure what this movie is aboutBased on one of the best-selling book series of all time.Left Behind wins the first point for clearest title
Best Genre
and Rating
Horror
Rated R for intense sequences of disturbing violence and terror
Mystery
Rated R for a scene of bloody violence, some strong sexual content/nudity, and language
Action
Rated PG-13 for some thematic elements, violence/peril and brief drug content
Nice mix of genres- 1/3rd point each.
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars)
There’s a possessed doll
Causes terror in the home
Can couple survive?
Guy’s wife disappears
The country thinks he did it
Who really did it?
The rapture happens
People disappear. S*#& flies.
And the end begins
Actually, Left Behind has the best plot this week. Another point.
Best Part of TrailerPROS: I guess creepy doll hasn’t been done in awhile
CONS: It didn’t seem that scary
PROS: Looks like a very well-done film, engaging, suspenseful
CONS: None, if you like a dark movie
PROS: Looks like it had a significantly better budget than the last go around. And the books were fast-paced.
CONS: Cheesy potential?
Gone Girl has the best trailer. Point.
Coolest Lead ActorAlfre Woodard from 12 Years a Slave and Desperate Housewives. Ben Affleck from Argo and Good Will Hunting. Nicolas Cage from National Treasure and Face/Off. Ben Affleck is the coolest actor right now.
Best CastTony Amendola (The Mask of Zorro)Rosamund Pike (Pride & Prejudice), Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser M.D.), and Tyler Perry (Madea)Lea Thompson (Caroline in the City) and Chad Michael Murray (One Tree Hill)Gone Girl also has the best cast. Point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director John R. Leonetti also directed Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.Director David Fincher also directed Se7en, Fight Club, and Panic Room. Director Vic Armstrong also directed Army of One. And Gone Girl has the best street cred too. Point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Gone Girl scores 4 and 1/3 points, Left Behind scores 2 and 1/3 points (and a gold star), and Annabelle scores 1/3 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are interested in the Left Behind movie solely based on the title, feel free to watch that. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Gone Girl is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Left Behind’s “The End Begins” wins this week. I mean, I’m sure that was a tagline for other movies (like Harry Potter 7), but if feels like a winner this week based on the plot.
Conclusion 3: 7 weeks until the next Hunger Games movie!

*Statistic is completely made up.




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