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Survivor: San Juan del Sur

Power Rankings - Week 1

By Ben Willoughby

September 30, 2014

They've got to be better than last year's batch of morons.

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In the words of Probst, Survivor: Blood vs. Water was “so compelling, we’re doing it again!” I think what Probst means is that he liked having men get all emotional about not being able to take care of their women.

Here are the power rankings for this week:

Hunahpu (Blue Tribe)

Hunahpu hasn’t been to Tribal Council yet, so I can’t really say anything about power rankings, let alone about half of the contestants. But I’m sure I’ll be able to think of something mean about each one.

1. Jon

No one is voting out a college quarterback at this stage of the game, even if he does endanger the whole tribe by challenging the howler monkeys to a fight. This is how Planet of the Apes comes to be.

2. Reed

Reed hasn’t really done anything to indicate that he’s the #2 power player on the tribe. But on the other hand, I can safely assume that he’s smarter than Jeremy.

3. Jeremy

Jeremy showed that he’s not a good Survivor player right off the bat by putting his hand up the first time Probst asked for volunteers. It’s like he’s never seen a lose-lose situation before. Then he went around trying to firm bonds with every woman on his tribe, which might put him in a good position for now, but has to come back to bite him some time.

4. Natalie

When your identical twin is voted off for being an annoying loudmouth, start getting paranoid. Still, having no alliances on the other tribe means that everyone knows she is committed to this one. And referring to people as “designated twinnie” in the mistaken belief that it’s charming means that she’s oblivious enough to be taken a long way in this game.

5. Drew

Drew demonstrated he is a sucker by complaining about all the hard work and effort he put into building the shelter while everyone was frolicking on the beach. Also, he was described as a “young, dumb guy”. By someone dating John Rocker. If I were a passive-aggressive douchebag, I’d add “Just saying!”

6. Julie

Nobody make John Rocker mad!




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7. Kelley

I had written two thirds of the power rankings before I realised that there was a Kelley. I had to go look it up on Wikipedia.

8. Missy

Being the oldest women on a tribe always makes for a huge target. Also, being named Missy when you’ve been married three times is kind of ironic.

9. Keith

I don’t buy the line about Keith being sent to Exile Island to “take care” of Val. Keith was sent there because he is the oldest guy on the tribe who lost his striker and broke his flint on Day Zero.



Coyopa (Orange Tribe)

This whole tribe is idiots. Not only did they lose the challenge, they also used a poisonous plant to build their shelter.

1. Dale

Dale’s a farmer 25 years older than everyone else on his tribe whose respective likes and dislikes are “solitary existence” and “noisy youngsters”. Most weirdo tribal outcasts either go off on their own, or over-compensate by being in everyone’s face. But Dale managed to shift the vote with his “Natalie is a back-stabber! She was on The Amazing Race, a show with almost no scope for back-stabbing!” argument, which was duly lapped up by the tribe majority. Also, he may have inadvertently found the tribe’s hidden immunity idol. Good work, Dale.

2. Baylor

Baylor is ruthless. When Nadiya said they shouldn’t vote for Dale because he can make fire, her response was “we get flint tonight!” Also, she was the only woman who voted for Nadiya. I expect big things from Baylor, up to and including voting off her thrice-divorced mother.

3. Josh

The editing suggests that Josh is a Survivor scholar, and he gets on with everyone to the point where they all say openly that they want to work with him. But when you say you’re all about being the swing vote, why would you go throw your vote away on someone you are allied with, whose name hasn’t come up in the voting conversation? I fear Josh doesn’t have the Survivor killer instinct.

4. John Rocker

Unlike the other BOP Survivor columnists, I don’t know who John Rocker is. I thought he was Kate Winslet’s husband. Anyway, I watched my second-ever baseball game last week, and it was thirty minutes before a run was even scored. It’s the soccer of bat sports! So I consider myself fortunate in my ignorance.

Anyway, John Rocker is an obvious liar. Not for pretending to be John Wettleland, which I interpreted as a joke after he realised he’d been made by Wes. For his erroneous claim at Tribal that “there’s no obvious real jerk” to be voted out. But he’s an obvious asset in physical challenges.

5. Alec

I don’t really know Alec. But his brother seems like a bit of a jerk.

6. Wes

Wes can’t count how many letters there are in Rocker. Also, he is dumb enough to be impressed by John Rocker. I’ll put him at the bottom of his alliance.

7. Jaclyn

Jaclyn hasn’t made much of an impression yet, and as one of only three women on a tribe that seems to be split along gender lines, that’s not good.

8. Val

Val hasn’t made any bonds with her tribe due to her time at Exile Island, and is really only around because everyone would feel like a jerk if they voted her out first. Hinting at having an immunity idol won’t help either, but for now I don’t think anyone really believes she has it.


There are the “power rankings” for this week. Come back tomorrow for David and Kim’s recap of tonight’s episode that is so exciting there isn’t a teaser for it yet.


     


 
 

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