This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for July 4-6, 2014

By Curt David

July 4, 2014

The writing is on the wall...

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Michelle Pfeiffer in New Year’s Eve), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 66%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For this Independence Day week, the new movies in wide release are Deliver Us From Evil, Earth to Echo, Tammy (and in slightly fewer theaters, the movie America).








Deliver Us From Evil Earth to EchoTammyWINNER
(1 point per category)
CLEAREST TITLEHorror filmNot sure. Not sure.Evil gets a point for recognizable title.
BEST GENRE & RATINGHorror
Rated R for bloody violence, grisly images, terror throughout, and language
Sci-Fi
Rated PG for some action and peril, and mild language
Comedy
Rated R for language including sexual references
1/3 point each for three different genres.
BEST PLOT (in haiku form) Cop finds possessed gal
Demons possess many more
They come to his house
Kids find a robot
From outerspace, does cool things
Will help it get home
Tammy has bad day
Goes on roadtrip with grandma
Funny stuff happens
Other than it sounding like E.T., I guess Earth to Echo gets this point.
BEST TRAILER PROS: Seems a good mix of spooky, jumpy, and demonic
CONS: Sometimes horror films aren’t amazing
PROS: Seems a good mix of fun for kids, CGI cute robot, and first-person footage
CONS: Sometimes children films are cheesy
PROS: Seems a good mix of Melissa McCarthy and funny moments
CONS: Sometimes all the good things are shown in the trailers
1/3 point for each movie for having okay trailers.
COOLEST LEAD ACTOR Eric Bana from Hulk, Munich, and Star Trek.All young actors, will probably be famous soonMelissa McCarthy from The Heat, Bridesmaids, and Gilmore Girls. Melissa McCarthy is about as cool as you get right now. Point.
BEST CAST Olivia Munn (Magic Mike) and Joel McHale (Community)All young actors, will probably be famous soon Susan Sarandon (Thelma & Louise), Kathy Bates (Titanic), and Allison Janney (The West WingTammy has an amazing cast. Also, Dan Aykroyd, Toni Collette, and Sandra Oh. Point.
BEST STREET CREDWriter and Director Scott Derrickson also wrote and directed The Exorcism of Emily Rose. New director Dave Green is making his full-length film debutDirector Ben Falcone also was the air marshall in Bridesmaids. Scott Derrickson will get the best street cred point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Deliver Us from Evil scores 2 and 2/3 points (and a gold star), Tammy scores 2 and 2/3 points, and Earth to Echo scores 1 and 2/3 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you want to love everything Melissa McCarthy does, feel free to watch Tammy. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Deliver Us from Evil AND Tammy are the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Deliver Us From Evil has a new tagline, “Inspired by the actual accounts of an NYPD sergeant.” The gold star will be a tiebreaker and it will win the column for the weekend.
Conclusion 3: This is one of the few horror films to win a column, as I usually lean towards giving points to films like Tammy.
Conclusion 4: Olivia Munn is one of my favorite people to watch on late-night interviews. Her, Kellie Pickler, and Kristen Wiig.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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