This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for June 27-29, 2014
By Curt David
June 27, 2014
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Godzilla 2000), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Jennifer Lawrence in House at the end of the Street), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 86%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of June 27th, the only new movie in wide release is Transformers: Age of Extinction. Since it automatically wins all the points this week, and has encouraged movies like G.I. Joe and Battleship, I’m going to list seven toys from my childhood that I also want to be made into a movie.
| Transformers: Age of Extinction
| Seven toys that should be made into a movie |
| Clearest Title | Sounds like another Transformers sequel. | Sea Monkeys: A fantasy action film set in the underwater world of the Sea Monkies |
Best Genre
and Rating | Sci-Fi Action
Rated PG-13 for intense prolonged sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language and some brief sexual material. | Candyland: An epic adventure! |
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | Guy finds Transformer
Lots of Transformers battle
Plot was confusing
| Troll Dolls: Cute and a little creepy- they could also make a good movie. |
| Best Part of Trailer | PROS: Good robot fighting effects, and dinosaur transformers
CONS: It’s a Transformers film | Monopoly: Perhaps a more dramatic Oscar-bait plot for this movie |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Mark Wahlberg from The Fighter and Lone Survivor. | Hungry Hungry Hippos: Could go a variety of directions, maybe even a B-horror movie |
| Best Cast | Stanley Tucci (Devil Wears Prada) and Kelsey Grammer (Cheers) | Mouse Trap: Great game, would make a great movie. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director Michael Bay also directed The Rock and Armageddon. | Rubik’s Cube: Perhaps a kind of allegory for the sci-fi mystery needed to be solved in the movie |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Transformers: Age of Extinction scores 7 points and a gold star.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are in the mood for a non-robot fighting movie, feel free to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Transformers: Age of Extinction is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Transformers’ tagline was “This is not war. It’s Extinction.”
Conclusion 3: I have never seen a Transformers film. And I’m okay with that.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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