This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for May 23-25, 2014

By Curt David

May 23, 2014

I hear she's also pretty fair with a bow

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Basic Instinct 2), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Keira Knightley in Domino), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 14%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of May 23rd, the new movies in wide release are Blended and X-Men: Days of Future Past (and the movies The Railway Man and Chef also get expanded limited releases).






Blended X-Men: Days of Future PastWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitlePast tense of a verb. A new X-Men movie!!!The new X-Men movie wins the point!
Best Genre
and Rating		Comedy
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content, and language		Sci-Fi Action
Rated PG- 13 for sequences of intense sci-fi violence and action, some suggestive material, nudity and language		Different genres. 1/2 point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)		Single mom with kids
Meets single dad with his kids
Hate occurs, then love 		The world in danger
Mutant needs to time travel
To save humankind		X-Men wins for the better plot! Point.
Best TrailerPROS: The re-teaming of Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler
CONS: Didn’t seem super hilarious 		PROS: Seems epic, combines both casts of the X-Men, huge epic plot of time-traveling!
CONS: I didn’t want to watch the trailer because I didn’t want any part of the movie ruined for me		X-Men trailer infinitely better. Point again!
Coolest Lead ActorAdam Sandler from Big Daddy and Happy Gilmore.Hugh Jackman from Les Miserables and Wolverine.Despite my bias for X-Men, both actors will split this point.
Best CastDrew Barrymore (E.T.) and Wendi McLendon-Covey (Bridesmaids)James McAvoy (Wanted), Michael Fassbender (Prometheus), Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games). Halle Berry (Die Another Day), Ellen Page (Inception), Ian McKellen (Lord of the Rings) and Patrick Stewart (Star Trek) And we’re back to giving X-Men the full points!
Best Street Cred
For the Production		Director Frank Coraci also directed The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer. Director Bryan Singer also directed The Usual Suspects and X-Men. And one more 1/2 point for these directors.



So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, X-Men: Days of Future Past scores 5 and 1/2 points (and a gold star) and Blended scores 1 and 1/2 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you want to give the Sandler/Barrymore trilogy the benefit of the doubt, feel free to watch Blended. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, X-Men: Days of Future Past is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I don’t think Blended has one, but no matter, I liked X-Men’s “His Past. Our Future.”
Conclusion 3: I would think of a clever conclusion, but I don’t have time- I have to go watch the X-Men movie.

*Statistic is completely made up.
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