This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for February 21-23, 2014

By Curt David

February 21, 2014

Even they look bored.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Snakes on a Plane), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Regina Hall in Scary Movie 2), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 42%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of February 21st, the new films in wide release are 3 Days to Kill and Pompeii.






3 Days to Kill PompeiiWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis movie will most likely have guns.This movie will most likely have a volcano that blows up. I’ve heard of Pompeii. Point!
Best Genre
and Rating
Action
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some sensuality and language
Action
Rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences, disaster-related action and brief sexual content
Seriously? I guess a half point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Guy kills. Quits killing
Gets disease. But there’s a drug.
If he kills more folks.
History story.
Everyone dies. Love story.
But not Titanic.
Meh. Half point each.
Best TrailerPROS: Kevin Costner is a good actor. There’s action.
CONS: Not sure if it was supposed to be serious or funny. Also don’t know why it’s such a big plot to ask an assassin to kill more people to get a drug.
PROS: There are gladiators and natural disaster special effects.
CONS: I didn’t quite care about any of the characters, or the plot (I typed this in a “Fat Amy” accent)
Action. And more action. Half point each.
Coolest Lead ActorKevin Costner from Dances with Wolves and Robin Hood: Prince of ThievesKit Harington from Game of ThronesKevin Costner. Point.
Best CastAmber Heard (Drive Angry)Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix) and Kiefer Sutherland (24)Trinity. Point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director McG also directed Charlie’s Angels and Terminator Salvation. Director Paul W.S. Anderson also directed Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, and Alien vs. Predator. Both famous directors. Both just got a half point.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Pompeii scores 4 points (and a gold star) and 3 Days to Kill scores 3 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked Taken, feel free to watch 3 Days to Kill. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Pompeii is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Pompeii automatically wins because I couldn’t find one for 3 Days to Kill. Pompeii’s tagline was, “No Warning. No Escape.”
Conclusion 3: J Don Birnam, welcome to Box Office Prophets. I particularly liked your column analyzing the Best Picture voting. Well played.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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