This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for February 7-9, 2014

By Curt David

February 6, 2014

Even Lego Batman never smiles.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (The Legend of Hercules), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Taraji P. Henson in Larry Crowne), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 53%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of February 7th, the new films in wide release are The Lego Movie, The Monuments Men, and Vampire Academy.






The Lego Movie The Monuments MenVampire AcademyWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleHeck yes!Maybe no. Maybe yes. The Lego Movie easily wins this round.
Best Genre
and Rating
Animation
Rated PG for mild action and rude humor
Action
Rated PG-13 for some images of war violence and historical smoking
Fantasy
Rated PG-13 for violence, bloody images, sexual content and language
Three different plots. A happy 1/3 point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Guy needs to save world
Joins Batman and Gandolf team
All made of legos
Hitler steals artwork
Destroy it if he loses
We go get it back
Vampire High School
Friend protects heir to the throne
Teenage vampires
Perhaps the best plot ever. Point for The Lego Movie.
Best TrailerPROS: A movie in the lego world! Many jokes for adults.
CONS: If you like that premise, there won’t be any cons.
PROS: Seems to be based on a real story?, with lots of famous actors
CONS: Not really action-y, at all.
PROS: High school drama and vampires.
CONS: You may not find it interesting if you aren’t a teen girl
The Lego Movie and The Monuments Men split the point for best trailer.
Coolest Lead ActorThe voice of Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation, Zero Dark Thirty, and Everwood. George Clooney from ER, Batman, and Ocean’s 11. I don’t recognize anyone yet. George wins this point.
Best CastThe voices of Will Arnett, Elizabeth Banks, Will Ferrell, Jonah Hill, Liam Neeson, and 1000 others. Matt Damon (The Bourne Identity), Bill Murray (Groundhog Day), Cate Blanchett (Lord of the Rings), and John Goodman (Roseanne) I don’t recognize anyone yet. A tie for best cast for Legos and monuments.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Writers and Directors Christopher Miller and Phil Lord also wrote and directed Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and 21 Jump Street. Writer and Director George Clooney also wrote and directed Good Night, and Good Luck and The Ides of March. Director Mark Waters also directed Freaky Friday and Mean Girls.Three solid directors (well actually four), so 1/3 point for each movie.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Lego movie scores 3 and 2/3 points, The Monuments Men scores 2 and 2/3 points, and Vampire Academy scores 2/3 point and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you watched Beautiful Creatures, feel free to watch Vampire Academy. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, The Lego Movie is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Vampire Academy wins with “They suck at school,” HA!, but the other two weren’t bad. Lego’s was “The story of a nobody who saved everybody,” and Monuments’ was “It was the greatest art heist in history.”
Conclusion 3: Remember a couple years ago when that French guy won an Oscar for playing the guy in the silent black and white film? Well his name was Jean Dujardin and he’s in The Monuments Men!!!

*Statistic is completely made up.




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