This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for January 31 - February 2, 2014
By Curt David
January 30, 2014
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (I, Frankenstein), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kate Winslet in Movie 43), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 24%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of January 31st, the new films in wide release are Labor Day and That Awkward Moment.
| Labor Day
| That Awkward Moment | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Shouldn’t this be released on another weekend? | I had a good one this week, see conclusions below. | Both titles with recognizable words will split this point. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Drama
Rated PG-13 for thematic material, brief violence and sexuality | Comedy
Rated R for sexual content and language throughout | Two different genres and two different ratings. It’s a good week. 1/2 point each. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Runaway convict
Enters house and falls in love
Umm, Stockholm Syndrome?
| Girl breaks up with guy
All three Bros swear off females
Then each find new girls | I wish both these plots
Were unique. Dueling dragons?
Each film wins half point. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Famous actors, elements of suspense
CONS: Guy threatens kid’s life if mom doesn’t take him in and then she falls in love? Come on. | PROS: Watchable.
CONS: Not super funny, also makes me self-conscious of not having a six-pack. | Both trailers were not bad, but not great. So 1/2 point each. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Kate Winslet from Titanic, Finding Neverland, and The Holiday. | Zac Efron from 17 Again and High School Musical. | Kate Winslet wins this point. |
| Best Cast | Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men), Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man), and James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek) | Michael B. Jordan (Fruitvale Station) | Josh, Tobey, and James win this point. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Jason Reitman also directed Juno and Up in the Air. | Writer and Director Tom Gormican has, well, written and directed this movie. | And Jason Reitman wins this point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Labor Day scores five points and That Awkward Moment scores 2 points (and a gold star).
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked 17 Again, feel free to watch That Awkward Moment. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Labor Day is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t find one for Labor Day, which means the non-impressive tagline for That Awkward Moment will win the point. “When you realize getting some means wanting more.”
Conclusion 3: My awkward moment. This week I went out to a restaurant. My friend ordered a beer. The waitress brought him his check that said $5. He said, “I thought the beer cost $5.25.” She said, “Don’t worry about it.” So he gave her the check back with his credit card. BUT, I swore the check said $6 and that he was actually getting ripped off 75 cents and that he wasn’t defending himself. So I stopped the waitress and exclaimed, “I’m sorry, but don’t you think that the price on the menu is the price the customer should pay?” She said, “I think it’ll be okay.” I was outraged and asked, “Does your manager know you are making the customers pay the wrong amount?” The look on her face made me realize I may have made a mistake. Hahahaha, I was arguing for my friend to pay an extra 25 cents! But I swear I was trying to help him.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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