This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for January 3-5, 2014
By Curt David
January 3, 2014
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Land of the Lost), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Ginnifer Goodwin in Something Borrowed), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 49%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of January 3rd, the only new film in wide release is Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. Since that movie automatically wins the column, I’ll also list my top seven entertainment New Year’s resolutions!
WINNER
(1 point per category) | Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones | Top Seven New Year’s Entertainment Resolutions |
| Clearest Title | It’s clearly the next Paranormal Activity movie. | #7: Catch up on the 2013 movies that I haven’t seen yet, especially Anchorman 2, Don Jon, Gravity, and Philomena. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Horror
Rated R for pervasive language, some violence, graphic nudity and some drug use | #6: Catch up on all the middle-grade fantasy books I haven’t read yet, especially Ender’s Game, Artemis Fowl, and The Lightning Thief. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Those who are chosen
To be possessed by demons
Become the marked ones
| #5: Catch up on all the music I haven’t listened to yet, especially Lorde and Laura Mvula. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Looks spooky, first person camera footage, and character from original Paranormal Activity
CONS: No cons if you enjoy this type of movie | #4: Catch up and finish the TV shows that I started watching from Season 1 this year, which includes New Girl and The Cosby Show. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Katie Featherston from Paranormal Activity 1, 2, 3, and 4. (Why hasn't she been in other movies yet?) | #3: See a Broadway show. Perhaps Aladdin! |
| Best Cast | No stars that I recognized yet. | #2: Watch my top 3 most anticipated movies coming out in 2014: X-Men Days of Future Past, Mockingjay Part 1, and Dumb and Dumber To. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Christopher Landon also wrote Disturbia and Paranormal Activity 2, 3, and 4. | #1: Meet Jennifer Lawrence.
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So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones scores all seven points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you don’t like watching Paranormal Activity movies, feel free to watch one of the million movies released in the past two weeks. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I couldn’t find a tagline for this movie, so I’m keeping my gold star this week.
Conclusion 3: While I haven’t figured out how to meet Jennifer Lawrence, I did just realize that three of the movies I want to watch next year star Jennifer Lawrence. (X-Men: Days of Future Past, Mockingjay, and she’s rumored to have a cameo in Dumb and Dumber To).
*Statistic is completely made up.
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