This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for November 22-24, 2013
By Curt David
November 22, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Jena Malone in Sucker Punch), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 97%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of November 22nd, the new films opening in wide release are Delivery Man and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.
| Delivery Man | Hunger Games: Catching Fire
| WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | I don’t have too long to think about this title…. | Because this title says HUNGER GAMES!!!! | The title Catching Fire catches my heart. Super point! |
Best Genre
and Rating | Comedy
Rated PG-13 for thematic elements, sexual content, some drug material, brief violence and language | Action
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some frightening images, thematic elements, a suggestive situation and language | Despite my Hunger Games bias, I will give each movie a half point each for diverse genres. |
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | Man donates his sperm
He now has five hundred kids!
What’s he gonna do?
| Katniss loves two boys
Has to return to death games
$h*t will hit the fan | I actually like the plot of Delivery Man. People find out they have one kid all the time- this time it’s 500+. I also want to marry Katniss**. So each movie will win a half point again. |
| Best Part of Trailer | PROS: I seriously think this is an original plot. I’ve never heard of a guy waking up to find out he has 533 biological children! Genius.
CONS: I didn’t laugh, but found it engaging. | PROS: I don’t know if it’s because I read the books, or the movie is perfect, but the trailer captivated my soul and made me salivate.
CONS: Absolutely zero. | The Hunger Games trailer also made me see the movie (that’s right folks, I already saw it!). Point for The Hunger Games. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball, and Rudy. | Jennifer Lawrence from X-Men: First Class, Winter’s Bone, and my favorite movie, Silver Linings Playbook. | J-Law!!! Automatic point! |
| Best Cast | Chris Pratt (Parks and Rec) | Liam Hemsworth (The Expendables 2), Woody Harrelson (Zombieland), Josh Hutcherson (Bridge to Terabithia), Donald Sutherland (Ordinary People), Elizabeth Banks (Definitely, Maybe), Lenny Kravitz (Precious), Stanley Tucci (The Devil Wears Prada), and Jena Malone (Saved!) | Impressive famous cast. Some of you are famous because of the Hunger Games, but no matter, point for Catching Fire. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Ken Scott also wrote and directed Starbuck (which I think was Delivery Man but from another country). | Director Francis Lawrence also directed I am Legend and Water for Elephants. | Francis has some street cred. Point for him. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Hunger Games: Catching Fire scores 6 points and Delivery Man scores 1 point. Each movie scores a gold star.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you never heard of The Hunger Games, feel free to watch this Delivery Man. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, The Hunger Games is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. These taglines weren’t super clever, so each movie will win a gold star. I’ll let you guess which tagline goes with each film: “Remember who the enemy is,” and “You’re never quite ready for what life delivers.”
Conclusion 3: I have a confession. Well, I already confessed earlier in the column, but usually I write this column without seeing any of the movies (because the movies haven’t come out yet). But before writing this column I saw Catching Fire and completely loved it (laughed way too loudly, bit off fingernails because of suspense, and had a tear form during a sad scene). I even skipped my column writing deadline to see the movie (sorry BOP!). All that to say, I have not seen Delivery Man and maybe that movie would also cause all of the same emotions too.
*Statistic is completely made up.
I actually don’t think I would marry Katniss. One, I’m already married and my wife would kill me. And two, while she is an impressive character, she could kill me while I sleep.
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