This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for October 11-13, 2013
By Curt David
October 11, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Leave it to Beaver), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Michelle Rodriguez in Bloodrayne), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 34%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of October 11th, the new films opening in wide release are Captain Phillips and Machete Kills.
| Captain Phillips | Machete Kills | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | This movie is probably about Captain Phillips. | Probably a sequel to Machete | Machete Kills has a little more name recognition in my book point. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Biography/Thriller
Rated PG-13 for sustained intense sequences of menace, some violence with bloody images, and for substance use | Action
Rated R For strong bloody violence throughout, language and some sexual content | Two different types of movies this week. Wonderful. 1/2 point each. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | On a US ship
Real life pirates take over
Based on true story
| US hires man
To beat up all the bad guys
He knows how to kill
| True story pirates plot. Definitely sounds better. Point for the Captain ties up this column. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Tom Hanks can’t do anything wrong, based on a true story makes it even more intense
CONS: None | PROS: Lots of famous actors, ridiculous fight sequences
CONS: Might be a little too ridiculous for some | The former looked Oscar worthy, the latter looked wildly entertaining. I’m proud to give another 1/2 point each to both movies. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Tom Hanks from Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, and Castaway. | Danny Trejo from Grindhouse and From Dusk til Dawn. | Tom Hanks from Philadelphia, Da Vinci Code, and Apollo 13 easily wins this point. |
| Best Cast | Catherine Keener (The 40 Year-Old Virgin) | Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Charlie Sheen, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jessica Alba, and Vanessa Hudgens. | However, the cast of Machete Kills easily wins this point. And we’re tied up again! |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director Paul Greengrass also directed United 93, The Bourne Supremacy, and Green Zone. | Writer and Director Robert Rodriguez also wrote and directed Desperado, Spy Kids, and Machete. | Ooooh, oooh - those are two great directors as well. 1/2 point each ends the column in a tie. See below for tie breaker. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Captain Phillips scores 3 and 1/2 points and Machete Kills scores 3 and 1/2 points and a gold star.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you want to watch an Oscar movie and have already seen Gravity, feel free to watch Captain Phillips. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Captain Phillips and Machete Kills are the best movies to watch this week.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Machete Kills’ “Trained to Kill. Left for dead. Back for more,” is slightly better than Captain Phillips “Out here survival is everything.” So Machete Kills wins the gold star and the tie break and is the winner of the column.
Conclusion 3: Seriously- Tom Hanks is cool. Also in Splash, Big, A League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle, the Toy Story trilogy, Saving Private Ryan, You’ve Got Mail, Catch Me if you Can, and my favorite, The Terminal. I know he won two back to back Oscars in the 90s, but I seriously think he has been snubbed multiple times since then!
*Statistic is completely made up.
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