This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for October 4-6, 2013
By Curt David
October 4, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Star Trek: Nemesis), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Sarah Michelle Gellar in Scooby-Doo), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 10%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of October 4th, the new films opening in wide release are Gravity and Runner Runner.
| Gravity
| Runner Runner | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | One words don’t usually tell what a movie is about, I wish it had at least two words. | WTF. I guess two words don’t tell you anything either. | 1/2 point each for telling me nothin’. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Drama
Rated PG-13 for intense perilous sequences, some disturbing images and brief strong language | Crime
Rated R for language and some sexual content | 1/2 point each for having different genres, which I approve of. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Disaster in space
Astronaut falls off station
It’s imminent death
| Bad guy hired guy
Bad guy frames guy for bad stuff
Guy needs to survive
| Clearly, Gravity has the better plot this week. Full point. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Holy crap, how can someone survive being adrift in space and alone - it’s like Castaway on crack
CONS: None | PROS: Two famous actors (and I think both of them are good actors)
CONS: Seems generic-ish, but not horrible | Seriously - the plot of Gravity - how’s it a movie? Yet, you want to watch it. Another point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Sandra Bullock from The Blind Side, Speed, and The Heat. | Justin Timberlake from The Social Network, Bad Teacher, and Black Snake Moan. | And it has Sandra Bullock! This column does not bode well for RunnerX2. Another point for Gravity. |
| Best Cast | George Clooney (ER) | Ben Affleck (Argo) | Two Batmans! 1/2 point each! |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Alfonso Cuaron also wrote and directed Y Tu Mama Tambien and Children of Men. | Director Brad Furman also directed The Lincoln Lawyer. | Alfonso’s three oscar nominations will secure his point this week. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Gravity scores 5 and 1/2 points (and a gold star) and Runner Runner scores 1 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you jumped on the Ben Affleck’s cool again bandwagon, feel free to watch Runner Runner. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Gravity is the best movie to watch this week.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Gravity’s “Don’t Let Go,” because they’re in frickin space! is much better than Runner Runner’s “Play or be played.”
Conclusion 3: I think I just typed this in a column last month, but I’ll say it again for my girl Sandy. The three best romantic comedies of all time, the romantic trinity, are While You Were Sleeping, The Proposal, and Miss Congeniality.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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