This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for September 13-15, 2013
By Curt David
September 13, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Doom), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Rose Byrne in The Internship), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 31%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of September 13th, the new films opening in wide release are The Family and Insidious Chapter 2.
| The Family
| Insidious Chapter 2
| WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Generic Title | Sequel
| A man that doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man. Remember that as Insidious gets the point.
|
Best Genre
and Rating | Action Comedy
Rated R for violence, language, and brief sexuality. | Horror
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of terror and violence, and thematic elements. | How to choose between two different genres? I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse. 1/2 point each. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | A mob family
Goes to witness protection
Still acts like the mob
| There’s a family
Who had dealt with bad spirits
It happens again | Don’t ever take sides with anyone against the family again. So each family plot will win 1/2 point. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Humorous plot about a mob family trying to act normal, wonderful actors, engaging shoot-out scenes
CONS: Well I’m afraid this movie won’t be well-reviewed, but I liked the plot a lot! No cons. | PROS: It’s a sequel
CONS: Maybe it was just how the trailer was cut, but I didn’t find anything spooky or interesting about it. | The Family clearly has the best trailer. Point. (Dear The Family, Someday - and that day may never come - I’ll call upon you to do a service for me) |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Robert De Niro from Silver Linings Playbook, Goodfellas, and Godfather Part 2. | Patrick Wilson from Phantom of the Opera, Insidious, and Watchmen. | If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that Robert De Niro wins the points in this column. |
| Best Cast | Michelle Pfeiffer (Batman Returns), Tommy Lee Jones (Men in Black), and Dianna Agron (Glee) | Rose Byrne (Bridesmaids) | Two truths in life. 1. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 2. The Family has the best cast. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Luc Besson also wrote The Fifth Element, Taxi, and Transporter.
| Director James Wan also directed Saw, Insidious, and The Conjuring.
| Revenge is a dish best served cold. And street cred is a dish best served with 1/2 point each.
|
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Family scores 4 and 1/2 points and Insidious Chapter 2 scores 2 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you go to see horror movies multiple times a year, feel free to watch the Insidious sequel. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, The Family is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. The Family’s “Some call it organized crime. Others call it family,” wins over Insidious Chapter 2’s, “It will take what you love most.”
Conclusion 3: Godfather trilogy has some good quotes. And District B13 (directed by Luc Besson) is a movie everyone should watch.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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