This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for September 6-8, 2013

By Curt David

September 6, 2013

The goggles! They do nothing!

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Dungeons & Dragons), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kerry Washington in A Thousand Words), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 72%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of September 6th, the only new film opening in wide release is Riddick. There are also two films in expansion/smaller release: Instructions Not Included and The Ultimate Life. Since Riddick will win each point this column, I’ll use my time to give you the hall of fame of actors that have names that start with V.






RiddickHALL OF FAME of “V” Actors
Clearest TitleThis is the sequel to The Chronicles of Riddick. Point. Best Action Star: Viggo Mortensen from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. (Runners-up: Vin Diesel and Jean-Claude Van Damme)
Best Genre
and Rating
Sci-Fi Action
Rated R for strong violence, language, and some sexual content/nudity. Point.
Best Serious Actor: Vanessa Redgrave from 100 movies. (Runners-up: Jon Voight and Vera Farmiga)
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Unstoppable guy
Bounty Hunters capture him
He fights aliens

Point.
Best TV actress: Sofia Vergara from Modern Family (Runners-up: Vicki Lawrence and Valerie Bertinelli)
Best TrailerPROS: A couple good scenes of action. Point.
CONS: I didn’t care about the character or plot at all (but I haven’t read any comics or seen the previous movies).
Best Sexy Attitude: Vivica Fox from Kill Bill and Independence Day (Runners-Up: Victoria Principal and Vanessa Hudgens)
Coolest Lead ActorVin Diesel from xXx, Fast Five, and The Pacifier. Point. Best Actor: Victor Garber from Alias and Titanic (Runners-Up: Ving Rhames and Val Kilmer)
Best CastI didn’t recognize anyone else. (So do I still give it a point?)Best “V” name: Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Writer and Director David Twohy also wrote and directed Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick. Point. All-around Best “V” talent: Vivien Leigh, the only two time Oscar winning “V” name, from Gone with the Wind.





So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Riddick of course gets all seven points and the gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you have no urge to see Riddick, feel free to watch a movie starring one of the other “V” actors. . However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Riddick is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Since Riddick had one, it gets a gold star. “Rule the Dark.”
Conclusion 3: I understand my hall of fame rankings will cause an uproar in the entertainment industry. Shouldn’t Sofia Vergara win sexiest attitude? Why are Val Kilmer and Van Damme underrated? Why did I not include the obvious name of that other “V” actor? Those are all good questions. I’m going to ponder them as I watch Alias and Lord of the Rings.


*Statistic is completely made up.




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