This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for August 30 - September 1, 2013

By Curt David

August 30, 2013

I just can't.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Red Planet), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kristen Bell in When in Rome), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 4%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of August 23rd, the new films in wide release are Getaway and One Direction: This is Us (Closed Circuit is also in under 1,000 theaters).







GetawayOne Direction: This is UsWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleMakes me want to sing “I want to get away, I want to fly away.” Makes me want to sing, “You don’t know you’re beautiful”Don’t judge me that I know a One Direction song. They’ll win this point for a recognizable title.
Best Genre
and Rating
Action
Rated PG-13 for intense action, violence, and mayhem throughout, some rude gestures, and language.
Music Documentary
Rated PG for mild language.
Two different genres. Two different ratings. Means we’re going to have eight more weeks of summer*! 1/2 point for each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Guy’s wife is kidnapped
To get her back, he’ll do crimes
And drive really fast
Five regular boys
Become world famous boy band
This is their story
Both of these plots are generic. Another 1/2 point each.
Best TrailerPROS: I like Ethan Hawke.
CONS: The trailer didn’t do a good job showing the good side of the writing, plot, or the performers’ acting chops.
PROS: They are likeable blokes (I assumed I wouldn’t like them). Fun behind the scenes of being a celebrity
CONS: Technically no cons (unless you think watching this movie is a con)
While I would tell my friends I want to see Getaway, the truth is, One Direction had a better trailer. Point for Great Britain.
Coolest Lead ActorEthan Hawke from Before Sunset, Gattaca, and Training Day. The boys of One Direction.Ethan Hawke wins this point (as do most people when they have guest starred on my show: Alias)
Best CastSelena Gomez (Spring Breakers) and Jon Voight (Mission: Impossible)I saw Simon Cowell in the trailerI didn’t think I was going to type this anytime soon, but Selena Gomez wins the point for best cast.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Courtney Solomon also directed An American Haunting. Director Morgan Spurlock also directed Super Size Me and other documentaries.Mr. Spurlock has documentary credentials, that’s for sure. Point for him.




So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, One Direction: This is Us scores 4 points and Getaway scores 3 points and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like Fast and Furious and Taken, feel free to watch Getaway (may not be as good, but that’s what it is being billed as). However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, believe it or not, One Direction: This is Us is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. This was a weak week, but Getaway’s “Get in. Get out. Getaway,” barely beats One Direction’s “Experience their lives on the road.”
Conclusion 3: On a serious note, rumors of Catherine Zeta-Jones separating from Michael Douglass have appeared on the web this week. While (or Since) I have the biggest crush on Ms. Zeta-Jones of all-time, I do want to send prayers and well-wishes her way, may her marriage be restored, and may she experience much happiness this coming year.


*Statistic is completely made up.




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