This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for....
By Curt David
July 26, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Dracula 2000), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kristen Bell in Couples Retreat), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 11%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of July 26th, the only new movie in wide release is The Wolverine. (There are also three films expanding to semi-wide release: Fruitvale Station, The Way Way Back, and The To-Do List.) Since The Wolverine automatically wins the column for best movie to watch, I’ll instead compare it to The Honey Badger, a real-life animal.
| The Wolverine | The Honey Badger | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Sounds like the movie Wolverine but with an article in front of it.
| This movie title (pretending it’s real) just made me pee a little. Best movie title ever. | Point for The Honey Badger - the most B.A. animal on the planet. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Action
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence, some sensuality, and language. | Action
Rated PG-13 for Honey Badgers surviving bee stings, porcupine attacks, and large animal bites. | Two PG-13 action movies. Two half points awarded. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Wolverine is back
He fights a lot of people
He is in Japan | There’s a predator
So? Honey Badger Don’t Care
He eats a cobra | The Wolverine plot isn’t extraordinary. So another full point awarded to The Honey Badger. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: A lot of action, wolverine is super tough, but in plenty of danger
CONS: I didn’t figure out the plot at all! | PROS: It’s the craziest and toughest animal of all-time
CONS: No cons. | Seriously, what’s the plot in The Wolverine? Yet another point awarded to the most fearless animal on Earth. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Hugh Jackman from the X-men trilogy, Les Miserables, and The Prestige. | The Honey Badger from a YouTube video that went viral, and from real-life. | The Honey Badger is infinitely cooler than Hugh (who I like a lot!). Point. |
| Best Cast | Famke Janssen (X-men) and maybe some other X-men character cameos! | Bees, lions, hyenas, porcupines, and other wildlife. | This is one point that The Wolverine will win with ease. Thanks, Famke.
|
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director James Mangold also directed Girl Interrupted and Walk the Line. | There’s no director yet for this unmade film. So, honey badger don’t care. | Honey Badger don’t give a $%*&, but James will win the point for best street cred. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Honey Badger scores 4 and 1/2 points and The Wolverine scores 2 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like indie movies, feel free to watch any of the three movies listed at the beginning of the column. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, and in real life, The Honey Badger is awesome. But since there’s only one movie this week, the best movie goes to The Wolverine.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. By default, The Wolverine’s “When he’s most vulnerable, he’s most dangerous” wins the gold star.
Conclusion 3: I realize there is a real-life animal called the wolverine. But that didn’t have an effect on me wanting to compare The Wolverine with a honey badger. Seriously folks, do some research on this animal.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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