This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for July 12-14, 2013
By Curt David
July 12, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Godzilla 2000), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Salma Hayek in Wild Wild West), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 67%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of July 4th,, the new movies in wide release are Grown Ups 2 and Pacific Rim.
| Grown Ups 2 | Pacific Rim | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Sounds like a sequel to Grown Ups. | Don’t know what this sounds like. | Grown Ups 2 gets the point for most recognizable title. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Comedy
Rated PG-13 for crude and suggestive content, language, and some male rear nudity. | Action
Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence throughout and brief language. | Reading that rating and knowing the movie stars James, Sandler, Rock, and Spade....Pacific Rim is going to go ahead and win this point. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | There are four best friends
They move back to their hometown
A moose pees on one | Guy is recruited
Controls robot with his mind
To fight large monsters | Robot mind control AND large monsters. Yes please. Another point for Pacific Rim. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: I was expecting not to laugh at all, but I laughed once and smiled twice
CONS: While I don’t regret watching the trailer, perhaps there are no more funny parts in the movie? | PROS: Awesome fight sequences, giant monsters destroying cities
CONS: It didn’t make me care about the characters, or the plot for that matter | Neither trailer stirred my soul. But since a large robot was using an aircraft carrier ship as a baseball bat... I’ll give the point to Pacific Rim, which has a two point lead now. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Adam Sandler from Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, and Mr. Deeds. | Charlie Hunnam from Sons of Anarchy. | Hold on, though! People have heard of Adam Sandler. Grown Ups 2 wins another point! |
| Best Cast | Kevin James, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, David Spade, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello, and other cameos. | Charlie Day (Horrible Bosses) | And Grown Ups 2 ties up the score with another point!! This close race is the most exciting part of your day right now*!
|
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director Dennis Dugan also directed Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, and other Adam Sandler movies. | Director Guillermo del Toro has also directed Hellboy and Pan’s Labyrinth (and produced a ton of other films). | Guillermo will take the street cred point and the win for this column! |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Pacific Rim scores 4 points (and a gold star) and Grown Ups 2 scores 3 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you loved Grown Ups, go ahead and watch the sequel. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper Pacific Rim is the best movie to watch this weekend. (But if I had 20$ to shell out this weekend, I’d go ahead and buy Pan’s Labyrinth).
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Grown Ups 2 “Summer isn’t just for kids” is just barely beat by Pacific Rim’s “To fight monsters we created monsters.”
Conclusion 3: I attract awkward situations to myself. I met Man #1 at a university faculty function. He told me I looked exactly like the professor of sociology, only younger. Man #2 comes up and stands beside us. I continue my conversation with Man #1 by quipping, “Oh, he must be a good-looking guy.” To which Man #2 sincerely says, “Thank you very much.”....wha? He thought I was complimenting him. I didn’t know how to correct the situation, so I just walked away. Oy vey.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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