This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for May 31 - June 2, 2013
By Curt David
May 31, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Miss Congeniality 2), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Isla Fisher in Scooby-Doo), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 44%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of May 31st, the new movies in wide release are After Earth and Now You See Me.
| After Earth | Now You See Me | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | This has to be a sci-fi action movie, or maybe a documentary | This title could be any genre, sounds like a horror film | Neither title is really clear, so I better give 1/2 point to each movie. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Sci-Fi Action
Rated PG-13 for sci-fi action violence and some disturbing images. | Crime Thriller
Rated PG-13 for language, some action, and sexual content. | Two PG-13 movies, two 1/2 points given out. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Father/Son in space
Return to abandoned Earth
Fight against nature | Group of magicians
Steal from banks to give to poor
FBI is mad | Both are pretty impressive plots. Why not deal out another 1/2 point each? |
| Best Trailer | PROS: Exciting scenes of father/son surviving dangerous wilderness w/ CGI creatures
CONS: Plot has been done before this year. And why did the father character let his son do all the fighting? | PROS: Very engaging. Magicians pulling off great tricks, while being pursued by FBI.
CONS: Absolutely no cons. A very very good trailer- watch it. | After Earth, typical sci-fi blockbuster. Now You See Me, I lost track of my surroundings as I became engrossed with the trailer. Easiest point of the year! |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Will Smith from Men in Black, Independence Day, and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. | Jesse Eisenberg from The Social Network, Zombieland, and Adventureland. | Will Smith is one of the most famous actors ever. Point. |
| Best Cast | Jaden Smith (The Karate Kid) | Mark Ruffalo (The Avengers), Woody Harrelson (The Hunger Games), Isla Fisher (Arrested Development), Morgan Freeman (Million Dollar Baby), and Michael Caine (The Dark Knight) | Now You See Me has one of the most famous casts ever. Point. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director M. Night Shyamalan who also wrote and directed The Sixth Sense and Signs. | Director Louis Leterrier also directed The Transporter, The Incredible Hulk, and Clash of the Titans. | Is M. Night Shyamalan back? Who knows, but he can get this round’s street cred point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, both movies score 3 and 1/2 points and both movies win a gold star.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you want to watch Will Smith fight a pterodactyl, feel free to watch After Earth this weekend. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper both movies tie as the best movie to watch this weekend. But I by far would rather watch Now You See Me, so that movie will be the unofficial winner of the weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. I found each tagline profound, so to keep the tie going, each one will win a gold star. (After Earth: “Danger is real, fear is a choice.” Now You See Me: “The closer you look, the less you see.”)
Conclusion 3: Someone told me the secret of The Sixth Sense before I watched it. Sad day.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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