This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for May 17-19, 2013
By Curt David
May 17, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (How To Eat Fried Worms), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Kate Bosworth in Life Happens), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 77%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money to see.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of May 17th, the only new movie in wide release is Star Trek Into Darkness. Since it will automatically be the recommended movie of the week, I’ll instead use the column to write an epic confession that may get me fired from Box Office Prophets...
| Star Trek Into Darkness | My Confession |
| Clearest Title | Sounds like the sequel to the critically loved and commercially successful last Star Trek film.
| Dear Box Office Prophets,
I have a terrible confession to admit.
|
Best Genre
and Rating | Sci-Fi Action
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action and violence | This will so hinder my street cred as a movie columnist, that I realize I may get fired from this site.
|
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | A bad guy escapes
Enterprise goes after him
The good guys might fail? | With difficulty
I must now confess to all
This terrible sin... |
| Best Trailer | PROS: The movie looks awesome, good guys in a lot of peril, BA moments abounding
CONS: There are no cons | I have never seen a Robert Downey Jr. movie. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Chris Pine from Star Trek and Unstoppable. | It’s true. No Tropic Thunder, no Sherlock, no Iron Man, and no Avengers. |
| Best Cast | Zachary Quinto (Heroes), Zoe Saldana (Avatar), Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead), and Benedict Cumberbatch (SHERLOCK!) | (Although I did watch Due Date in portuguese in a theater in Rio de Janeiro). |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director J.J. Abrams also directed Lost, ALIAS!, Star Trek, and Mission Impossible III. | While it feels good to get that off my chest, I now am ready to face the full consequences of writing a movie column without ever having seen a Robert Downey Jr. movie (in English).
Apologetically,
Curt David |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Star Trek Into Darkness scores all 7 points and a gold star.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you aren’t seeing Star Trek in theatres this weekend, feel free to rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper Star Trek Into Darkness is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline, which clearly goes to Star Trek this week with “Beyond the darkness, lies greatness.”
Conclusion 3: Alias and Sherlock are my two favorite TV shows of all-time, hence the reason why they were put in all-caps with an explanation point.
Conclusion 4: Two weeks ago in this column I wrote out the Kevin Bacon connections for almost all of the characters in Iron Man 3. BOP’s own Daron Aldridge (who has an impressive resume regarding Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon) gave me a Bacon number for a cast member I forgot to include: Guy Pearce. “Guy Pearce was in Prometheus with Charlize Theron, who was in Trapped with Bacon...ooooo, “Trapped with Bacon”...now there’s a movie I would love to see.”
*Statistic is completely made up.
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